From The Ashes
by NettieC
Summary: Sequel to Inferno.  Harm and Mac survived the fires on that fateful day but what does the future hold for them?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine  
AN: This is the sequel to Inferno (please read it first) and here's the thing. I have written three and a half chapters and it's a slow process. I don't normally post stories as I write but I felt I needed some feedback. If you promise to be patient as I write this one, I promise to have regular updates.

...from the ashes...

A year on...

In the early hours of a warm summer Saturday morning, Mac stirred once again as an unsettling feeling washed over her. It was the same feeling which had woken her each morning for the past week and one which left her keyed up all day.

Blinking a few times in the pale light of the bedroom, Mac took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind; it didn't help. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to pretend she was asleep; it didn't help. She took a dozen deep cleansing breaths and, once again, it didn't help.

Before long an arm snaked around her waist and pulled her back flush against the warm body behind her. While it was very comforting and calming for her, it didn't encourage sleep. Soon, a kiss was pressed to her head and then another one.

Finally, came the voice.  
"Bad dreams again?" Harm asked, holding her tighter.  
"Nah," she said with a sigh. "Same one."  
"It's been worse this week, hasn't it?" he questioned, propping himself up on his elbow and peering over her shoulder.  
"Aha," she agreed. "I guess with tomorrow being the anniversary it's on my mind more."  
"Want to talk about it?" he asked, tugging her around to be face to face.  
"Do you?" she countered.

Harm kissed her forehead before caressing her face.  
"Despite its horror," he whispered, "I have to say it was the most positive turning point of my life."  
"Why?" she questioned, her hand snaking behind his neck and holding tight.  
"Because it made me stop and take stock and look at what's important to me," he answered. "And after that, I was able to admit openly what I had been denying for too long – that I was ...I am...in love with you. And with the courage such close encounters inspires, I was able to tell you... and, twelve months on, look at how far we've come.

Mac smiled slowly before snuggling in close. She closed her eyes and thought back through the events of the previous year...

...

After visiting the Medical Centre in San Diego the day after the fires in Hemingway Mountain, Harm was given ten days medical leave. Mac was also checked out thoroughly and given three days leave. During those three days, Harm and Mac stayed pretty much under Trish's version of 'house arrest'. Neither were permitted to assist with or do any task she could do herself. This included preparation of all meals, the dishes, the laundry, making the beds, and the like. She did permit them to shower, dress, eat and rest.

Over the course of the 72 hours, she answered their calls, refused to wake them when Cresswell called while they were napping, and only allowed them move from the house when it was to go to the doctor or onto the back porch.

When Mac was given her clearance to resume duties after the three days, Trish took it upon herself to phone General Cresswell herself and negotiate a delay in Mac's return. Her argument was that though Mac was medically fine, her support in Harm's recovery was imperative – given how close they had come to losing each other.

Whether or not it was his own idea, or the fact that a marine's "mommy" had actually called him about her return to work, or Trish's negotiating manner, Cresswell agreed to an additional seven days. He had then, following Trish's explicit instructions, called Mac, asked what the doctor had said and told her he was giving her the additional time – all without mentioning Trish.

During those extra days, Trish still didn't allow Mac to do anything but the bare essentials. For too long, there had only been she and Frank and she was taking every precious moment she had to spoil these two to do so.

"Harm?" Mac said, as she turned over in her bed, five nights after the fire, to find Harm lying on top of the covers watching her.  
"Hey," he replied, with a smile. "Did I wake you?"  
"No," she answered. "What's up?" she asked, sitting up in the bed.

After the first night they had taken to sleeping in their assigned beds each night, although they did continue to share a bed during their afternoon naps. Therefore, at 0534, Mac was concerned that he had appeared in her bed.  
"Just some bad dreams," he said, folding his arms behind his head.  
"Want to talk about them?" she asked, having had her fair share of them in the past few nights.  
"Nah," he said, "Just wanted to be with you. Is that okay?"  
"Sure," she replied. "How about you get in properly?" she said, moving over.  
"Are you sure?" he checked again.  
"Come on," she encouraged. "I wouldn't mind the company either."  
"Aren't you sleeping well, yourself?" he questioned as he stood and pulled back the covers before crawling in alongside her.  
"I'm falling asleep alright," she replied, rolling over to face him.  
"But?" he prompted, rolling over to face her.  
"But then I'm waking a few times and it takes forever to go back to sleep," she said honestly.  
"Yeah, know the feeling," he said with a sigh.

Soon, Mac settled back down in the bed and Harm followed suit. Under the covers, Mac's hand sought out his and laced their fingers together before squeezing it. Nothing was said and soon both of them were asleep.

When neither of her charges had appeared for breakfast by mid-morning, Trish took up a cup of tea to Mac, hoping the late stay in bed meant she was getting some much needed sleep. Knocking quietly, before she opened the door, Trish grinned when she saw Mac and her son curled up together under the covers. While she was the first to admit she didn't understand the exact nature of their relationship, she knew that so long as they had each other all was right with the world. Backing out, Trish closed the door before heading back down the stairs.

The peacefulness of their slumber was shattered when Mac stirred half an hour later, and being in her own sleepy haze, yawned and stretched and in the process kneed Harm right in his thigh; the same thigh which had more stitches than she wanted to acknowledge. The sudden jolt of pain caused Harm to flinch violently and emit a strangled yell which he tried to smother with the pillow.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry," Mac repeated as she jumped up, suddenly fully awake and realising what she'd done.  
"'Sokay," he said, as his hands found Mac's face. "Really...it's okay."

Pulling away, Mac drew back the covers to see any damage she may have caused. It made her feel physically ill to realise his wound was bleeding.  
"Oh, god, Harm," she said, watching as the red stain crept through the dressing.  
"Mac, Mac," he called, tugging her arm when he realised he had completely lost her attention. "Sweetheart, Mac, come on, look at me," he begged as she stood there with tears streaming down her face. "It's okay...it doesn't hurt that much...honestly."

Very slowly, Mac raised her eyes to meet his. Watery brown ones met glassy blue ones as both struggled with their emotions.  
"I don't understand why we do this ..." she said in a lost and confused voice.  
"Do what?" he asked, moving across the bed to be closer to her.  
"This!" she said, using her finger to gesture between the two of them.  
"What this?" he questioned, truly bewildered by her reaction.  
"You and me or rather me and you...just keep hurting each other...just keep getting it wrong...just..." Anything else she was going to say disappeared when the bedroom door opened and Trish poked her head in.  
"Everything okay in here?" she questioned; her eyes darting between them both.  
"Yes, mom," Harm replied. "We just need a few minutes."  
"Your leg's bleeding, Harm," she said, moving towards him.  
"It's fine, mom," he said, "Please...we just need a few minutes."  
"Sarah?" she questioned, not too sure what to make of things.  
"Mom," Harm answered for her. "Please."  
Trish nodded slowly before heading back to the door. "Call me if you need me."

Harm climbed out of the bed, ignored the pain and blood on his leg and made his way around to where Mac was standing. Standing well within her personal space, Harm kept his hands by his side, not sure what to do with them.  
"Talk to me," he said quietly. "Tell me what you meant."  
"I meant...I meant..." Mac struggled to start her explanation. "Harm...why do we keep hurting each other...physically, emotionally? Just when everything seems to be getting better between us, one of us does something to set things spiralling into oblivion again," she said as she absently backed away from Harm and ended up cornering herself. "I just don't get it...I don't!"

As Harm stepped forward once more, Mac leant back on the wall and found herself trapped between it and him.  
"Mac..." he said softly, trying to work out a way to take away every ounce of pain he saw in her eyes. Then he decided to just go with the honest truth and lay it all on the line. "I don't know," he started, trying to keep eye contact with her. "But it's been something I've wondered about myself, especially lately. We seem to be getting better at putting ourselves into a position to explore this relationship and then one of us screws up...I did it that first night at the cabin, I know that."  
"And instead of talking to you, which I should have, I ran and look at the damage I did," she said, gesturing to his leg. "And then when we came to an understanding of exploring things I go and do this...cause you more pain."  
"This was an accident," he said, pointing to his leg. "You weren't even awake," he said, reaching out and holding her hands in his.  
"But it's always something," she said, sorrowfully. "Why can't it be simple?" She closed her eyes and banged her head against the wall several times. "I've had enough. Why can't we just admit we love each other and have a normal relationship like everyone else?" she said, not really noticing she'd said it aloud.  
"Admit we love each other?" Harm echoed, studying her face.  
Mac opened her eyes and the realisation of her words struck her. Damn! She couldn't even do that right. Slowly, she slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor, her head resting on her knees. Harm found sinking to the floor difficult with the tugging it caused on his stitches but he did it anyway. Right now, Mac's emotional pain was more important than his physical pain.

Settling alongside her, Harm leant back against the wall and hooked an arm across her back and tugged her closer. He knew the impending moment was going to be the turning point of his life, of their lives, and he didn't want to say anything which would destroy the tiny bud of 'togetherness' they were nurturing.

When ten minutes had slipped by and Mac still hadn't spoken, Harm bent down and planted a kiss on the back of her head.  
"There is nothing I want in this world more than what I want for you, Mac. I want you to be happy. I want you to be healthy. I want you to have everything your heart desires. I want it to be me you spend the rest of your life with. I want it to be me you love. I want it to be me you come to when you are sad or troubled. I want you," he declared in a hushed but firm tone.

Gradually, Mac turned her head and looked at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears.  
"I'm not sure if you're ready to hear this, Mac," he said, caressing her face. "But I love you. I am in love with you..." His thumb swept across her cheek to take away her tears. "Have been for a long time...will be forever."

For a moment, Mac contemplated his words trying to comprehend his words. When she realised he was being honest and not just saying it because of the situation they were in, she sat up and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tightly.  
"I love you, Mac," he whispered, before kissing her ear. "So very much."

Mac held on even tighter making it difficult for Harm to breathe. Normally, he'd have scooped her up and into his lap but, with his injury, that wasn't possible. So, he sat there with her, and rubbed her back and waited for the wave of emotion she was riding to dissipate.

When he felt her grip loosening, he kissed her head, then her forehead, then her nose.  
"You don't have to say anything, Mac," he said, their noses touching. "I just thought it was about time I said it...and about time you heard it. You were right and I've had enough too. I don't know why we couldn't get it right in the past. I don't know why we sabotaged us before we had a chance..."  
"I screwed it up for us, didn't I?" Mac said tearfully.  
"No, you didn't," he reassured her.  
"I did," she replied, gesturing to his leg and all it implied.  
"Fine," he said with a nod. "You screwed up this time."

This conversation was about being honest and if brutal honesty was what it took to get them through this that's what he'd do. "But I have screwed things up for us before, so don't think you have done it all on your own."  
"When?" Mac asked, even though she knew. After all, she'd lived through it each time. Each one putting more scars on her already battered heart.  
"The first biggest screw up was in Sydney," he said. "I should have left you in no doubt that I wanted you and loved you...yes, loved you, back then. Instead, I hurt you and look what that resulted in..." He meant her relationship and near marriage to Mic Brumby but he wasn't prepared to mention the man's name. "And I screwed up with Renee and I know the timing was bad with her father dying when you needed me ... and I needed you...but I screwed up in the way I handled that whole situation. And I screwed up when you went to the Guadalcanal. You asked me what I was prepared to give up but left before I could tell you. I should have gone after you and made you listen, made you understand that I would give up everything for you...and I screwed..."  
"I get it," Mac said tearfully. "You screwed things up too."  
"I did," he said. "But it never stopped me caring about you...loving you."  
"Why do we do it then?" she questioned. Through everything she'd lived though in her dysfunctional life, nothing hurt as much as when things went wrong between herself and the man in front of her.  
"I don't know...maybe because we're both screwed up," he said honestly. "I mean..."  
"I know what you mean," she said, 'screwed up' explained them well.  
"So, how do we know that if we give us a chance that we're not going to cause more hurt than good?" she questioned and the fact she had to ask broke his heart.

Harm didn't really have an answer. If he did he would have advocated it years ago. Knowing he needed to say something, he drew a deep breath.  
"I don't have the answer," he said honestly. "But I am willing to work it out with you."  
"How?" she questioned. "Neither of us are exactly experienced at functional relationships."  
"Then we find someone who can help us," he answered.  
"Someone like whom?" Mac asked. "A counsellor? A therapist?"  
"Yeah, why not?" he replied, not really believing it was himself advocating therapy.

Mac shrugged; she wasn't a fan of counselling in the least but did continue to see Commander McCool from time to time. She knew Harm hated talking about his feelings to anyone, let alone a paid professional. Still, he was doing a great job of it right now and maybe, just maybe, a little help was all they needed to be able to put the pain and hurt of the past behind and create something spectacular.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not mine  
AN: Thanks for the positive response for the first chapter. This is up quicker than expected due to being home ill in recent days. Enjoy!

-fromtheashes-

By the tenth day after the fire, Harm knew he wasn't being cleared to return to work any time soon as he had developed an infection in his leg and it was more painful than ever. He also had a strong inclination that Mac would have to return to DC and work. Sitting in the doctor's waiting room, he tried to figure out a strategy. Perhaps he could get permission to fly back to DC on the proviso he reported to Bethesda and finish his recovery at home.

The truth was he didn't want to be so far from Mac. While they had had their tearful heart to heart on the bedroom floor five days earlier and while they were emotionally closer than ever, she was yet to tell him she loved him. Something inside him told him that if she was to go back alone the relationship they were cultivating would disappear and he'd never get to hear those words.

When the doctor checked out the wound and had read the obs the nurse had taken first, he shook his head.  
"Sorry, Commander, another course of antibiotics for you and at least another seven days leave," said the doctor making some notes. "It seems you have picked up an infection and it needs something a little stronger than what we had you on."  
"Can I fly back to DC tomorrow with Mac?" he asked. While Mac wasn't in there with him, the doctor had met her at the previous appointment.  
"What will you be doing in DC while Mac goes to work? Who'll be looking after you?" the doctor asked.  
"I can look after myself," he said firmly.  
"Ideally, there'd be someone with you. Harm, to beat this infection, you need to get as much rest as possible and that means lying or sitting down and not moving to do anything but go to the bathroom," he said, folding his arms.  
"I can arrange that," he said quickly, although he wasn't sure how.  
"With whom?" the doctor questioned.  
"Harriet," he said just as quickly. "She's a great friend; Mac and I are god parents to her children. She'll look after me." Harm knew she would, in a heartbeat; he just wasn't going to ask her.  
"Well, if you can arrange something, I'm more than happy to let you fly home. Just make sure you report to Bethesda the day after you arrive," the doctor said, closing the file.  
Harm smiled – one down, one to go.

The doctor was a piece of cake compared to the inquisition his mother put him through. She argued, debated the points and then argued some more. In the end, Harm pulled her aside and thanked her for everything she'd done for them, thanked her for how much she'd taken care of Mac, thanked her for being there for him, just like she always had been. Then he asked her to consider how difficult it may be for Mac to return to DC without him.

To that, Trish had no further argument but gave them both a long list of instructions to follow, the top, middle and bottom of the list had the same point – to call her.

Rather than military transport, Frank had arranged to send the pair home travelling first class. When Harm had settled into his chair and Mac was sure he was comfortable, Mac finally sat down.  
"That was harder than I thought," she said quietly.  
"What was?" he asked, reaching over and taking her hand.  
"Leaving your mom and Frank," she replied. "I was thinking your mom might insist on coming home with us."  
"I was thinking that myself," Harm said with a chuckle.  
"She loves you very much," Mac said, squeezing his hand.  
"She loves you too," he countered.  
"I know," she replied. "I still find it a little strange but I do like having someone who loves me like that."  
"I love you like that," he whispered, kissing her hand.  
"Like a mother?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"Well, maybe not like that exactly – but I do love you, Sarah MacKenzie," he said, "Very much."  
"I know you do," she replied, but once again she failed to find the nerve to reciprocate those words. Mac wasn't sure whether it was a lack of courage or just that she felt she was incapable of loving someone fully that prevented her from telling Harm she loved him too.

Back in DC they fell into their own routine; Mac went to work, visited Harm on her way home, usually stayed over, then went to her own place in the morning to shower and dress and the cycle would start again. Not once did she bring a spare uniform or any other change of clothes, feeling that to do so would create all sorts of questions within herself, ones she wasn't ready to deal with.

Knowing she was already finding things difficult, Harm didn't add to her distress by pushing her on it. He simply pointed out where all the things she needed for the night were and waited for her to crawl in alongside him.

Twenty seven days after they were trapped in the fire, Harm returned to work. The doctor had advised light duties, saying that his body was still weak from the infection and his leg still needed time to heal properly. Hating the fact that he would be doing nothing but paperwork, Harm sucked it up. After all, he was one of the lucky ones. The final death toll in the SoCal fires had been 18; three still remained in critical condition. They would all have preferred a cut leg, medical leave and desk duties to the things fate threw upon them that day.

Warmly welcomed by everyone he met, Harm felt more like a returning hero than someone coming off sick leave. He tried not to make a big deal about it, he didn't want the fuss. All he wanted was some decent coffee, Mac's own brew she made for him at his loft really wasn't the best, to sit at his desk and wait for Mac to have some free time.

Catching sight of the woman in question through his window, Harm watched as she made her way around the bullpen. The first thing which struck him was how tired she looked and then it was how sad she looked as well. Furrowing his brow, his brain tried to figure out if it was the mood that was new or whether he'd just realised it. As she looked up and saw him watching her, he realised her deep brown eyes hadn't really seemed the same since the fires.

"You won't get any work done if you sit there and watch me all day," Mac said, leaning on his door jamb.  
"Not a lot to do," he said, waving his hand across his desk.  
"In that case, I have some files you can work on," she said offhandedly and Harm nodded. "You mean you'll do it."  
"Yes, of course," he replied. "I'm going to spend the next week being a lean, mean paperwork machine – so add yours to the pile and I'll get right to it," he said cheerfully.  
"You seem happy," Mac commented as she stepped into his office.  
His first thought was to say 'But you don't' but he changed his mind.  
"I am," he replied. "I was going a bit stir crazy at home..."  
"I came to visit," she said as she dropped into his visitor's chair.  
"And it was the highlight of each and every day," he said quickly with a broad smile, lest she think she wasn't.  
"But it wasn't enough, was it?" she asked, knowing how she would have hated being home herself.  
"It was more than I could have hoped for," he said sincerely. "Thank you for everything you've done for me."  
"No need to thank me," she said quickly, finding her feet once more.  
"I think there is," he said, standing and rounding his desk.  
"If it wasn't for me..." she began but he shook his head.  
"Don't go there, Mac," he said quietly. "Not now." He reached out and took her hand in his. "I don't want you beating yourself up about this every time you look at me."  
"Can't help it," she replied in a whisper.

Petty Officer Coates, knocking on his door wanting Mac, interrupted their conversation and as Mac disappeared back through the bullpen, Harm scanned the Naval Medical directory and finally made the call he knew was long overdue.

All he wanted was advice and guidance so he called Commander McCool and made an urgent appointment for himself. Perhaps the good Commander could steer him in the right direction, or at least make a time for Mac to see her.

Although Mac thought it odd that Harm left early the following afternoon for an appointment at Bethesda, given he'd been there twice the week before and wasn't due back until the following week, she didn't give it too much thought believing she could have been mistaken or perhaps he had to have a blood test or such. It didn't really matter as she would be seeing him later that night and would ask then.

With no need to wait in the sterile waiting room, Harm was called straight into Commander McCool's office and smiled – perhaps luck was on his side. Sitting in front of the doctor, Harm suddenly felt hesitant; what if seeing McCool behind Mac's back backfired? What if it made matters worse? What if he never heard those precious three words from her?  
"Harm?" the doctor called and it was evident she expected an answer.  
"Sorry, pardon?" he said, with a shake of his head.  
"I asked how you were," she said with a small smile. "But I think preoccupied might be the answer."  
"Yes, it is, ma'am," he replied, before relaying the story of the whole fire ordeal and the after effects.  
"And what is it you want from me?" she asked, not one for playing games.  
"Help...advice..." he said, looking from his hands to her face. "Not just the fire...although that's a major thing at the moment ... but relationship guidance ...or referral to someone for that sort of help."  
"Relationship guidance?" McCool echoed. "What specifically are you after?"

Harm thought about it for a moment. What was it that they really needed?  
"You know how's there's marriage counselling when things aren't going well?" he questioned and the doctor nodded. "Well, what we need is pre-marriage counselling to make sure we work through our own issues so we don't screw things up."  
"Pre-marriage?" she questioned. "When did you and Sarah get engaged?"  
"We didn't..." he said quickly. "Actually, we haven't even gone on a proper date."  
"And you're considering pre-marriage counselling?" she repeated. "Isn't that a little premature?"

Harm took a very deep breath and spelt out the circumstances as he believed them to be. He spoke of his own life and commitment issues; then he spoke briefly about Mac's believing the doctor may already have that information.

Then contrary to any other thing he had ever thought or said in his life, Harm continued.  
"Commander McCool, I am very much in love with Mac," he said quietly. "More than I thought possible...more than I know what to do with. I truly believe she is the other part of me... the one I was destined to spend my life with...the one I can't live without...the one I don't want to live without." He stopped and drew a deep breath. "The thing is I don't know how to be in a functional relationship, one between equals...one where feelings should be discussed and shared."

After putting himself way out of his comfort zone by going to Commander McCool and admitting to his inadequacies and baring his soul; Harm was exhausted and headed home. His plan was to sit on the sofa, drink his herbal tea and re-energise. However, when Mac arrived two hours later he was sound asleep, his teacup sat on the side table, nearly full and stone cold.

Dropping her purse on the armchair, Mac toed off her shoes and jacket before heading to the kitchen and pouring herself a long glass of ice cold water. Padding back to the living room, she propped herself on the arm of the armchair and watched Harm as he lay there. She didn't want to wake him but she did want to know what he'd been up too.

Eventually, Harm stirred, whether it was by choice or after realising he was being watched was debatable.  
"Hey," he said with a sleepy smile, sitting up. "How long have you been here?"  
"Fifty three minutes," she said, sitting next to him when he patted the cushion beside him.  
"What time is it?" he questioned, trying to focus on a clock.  
"1903," she replied, settling into the sofa.  
"Wow," he said. "I didn't think I was that tired."  
"How are you feeling?" she questioned, reaching over and taking his hand.  
"Tired...although I think that is obvious," he said with a wry smile.  
"Why'd you have to go to Bethesda this afternoon?" she asked and Harm smiled, not much got past Mac.  
"I had a very important appointment," he began, taking both her hands in his and instantly Mac's heart began to beat faster. "And it was a pretty tough one."  
"Why? What happened? Are you sick?" she all but whispered, gripping tighter.  
"No, no," he replied quickly, raising her hands and kissing them. "Nothing like that."

He stopped and drew a deep breath before leaning across and kissing her forehead.  
"You know how we want this relationship to work?" he checked, hoping she was still on the same page. Mac nodded. "And you know how neither of us think we can do this without a little help?" Mac nodded once more. "Well, today I had an appointment with Commander McCool and..."  
Mac violently pulled away before jumping to her feet, Harm was quick to follow.  
"You saw McCool?" she yelled. "What did you do? Tell her all about me? Tell her how it was all my fault? Tell her...tell her...just how screwed up I am?"  
"No," he said quietly yet firmly, knowing he was witnessing a panicked reaction. When Mac failed to speak, Harm went on. "I went to ask her for some advice or guidance or referral to someone who could help us...help me ...sort through some things. I did tell her about the fire but mainly I talked about myself."

Mac laughed; the thought of Harm sitting in from of a therapist, voluntarily, and talking about himself just seemed ludicrous.  
"What's so funny?" he asked with a frown, it wasn't the reaction he was expecting.  
"You...sitting talking about yourself," she said, with a smile she was trying to hide.

Quickly, Harm's frown deepened – here he was trying to lay it all on the line, to right every wrong he'd made in previous relationships, to fight for something he couldn't live with losing, and she was laughing.  
"Forget it," he said, with a snarl, despite his best intentions, before stalking into his bedroom.

Mac stood in the middle of his sitting room and dropped her head – she'd blown it, big time, and she knew it. Harm had done nothing other than what he said he'd do. Something she'd agreed to. Something which would have been incredibly hard for him to do. And she had laughed.

Deciding that if Harm could risk it all for her, she could do the same for him, she followed him into the bedroom and found him standing at the window looking into the fading light of the evening. Slowly, she padded across the room and stood next to him, looking at the same nothingness.  
"I am sorry," she said, as she entwined her fingers with his as they dangled alongside his leg. "I panicked and I hurt you. I'm sorry."

That evening saw the first of many mini-steps forward. Rather than run, hide or hurt the other, they took the chance to stop, draw a deep breath and renegotiate the path they were taking.

All relationships had the potential to be minefields and both Harm and Mac knew that theirs had more mines than most. They also knew that if they negotiated them well, the rewards would be amazing.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not mine  
By the time the weather turned cooler and the end of year was in sight, the fires, which had scarred the Southern Californian hills, were a distant memory for all but those who lived through it. For Harm and Mac the memories of the actual day were fading but they were still wading through the aftermath. Both had invested time and energy in counselling, something they conceded, albeit only to themselves, was probably long overdue.

While Mac continued to see Commander McCool, Harm was seeing Commander Paul Robbins. A skilled therapist who was more direct than Harm really liked but still, it was a means to an end and he manned up and faced the weekly hour long walk through his own personal hell. Through late night conversations, usually on one of their sofas, Harm and Mac wouldn't rehash the therapy sessions with each other, preferring to focus on one positive aspect and talk about that.

In the first few weeks it had been about how to open up about themselves in a safe and comfortable environment. Then, they moved onto what impact the fire had on them and how they were coping with it. Recent talks had revolved around what they wanted for the future. While they were devoted to each other and neither had any intention of a life with anyone else, Mac had yet to tell Harm she loved him and Harm didn't push it either.

Aside from their regular therapy discussions, they had spent a considerable amount of downtime with each other. Both Friday and Saturday nights were regular 'date' nights and Sundays were often spent together too. Most weekends were sleepovers, alternating between the two residences, however, the relationship had yet to be consummated. Something which Harm was beginning to think may never eventuate.

That all changed when he arrived home in the early hours of a Friday morning after being away on an investigation for eight days. Not due back until Saturday at the earliest, Harm had negotiated a quick return given that the aircraft carrier he was on had other plans and it was come home this morning or not until next Tuesday, something he didn't want in the least. When the taxi pulled up in the street below, the first thing Harm noticed was a small light coming through his bedroom. While it was a strange occurrence, he was prepared to ignore the anomaly thinking he may have left it on in the rush to leave his loft in the early hours of the previous Thursday morning.

Trying to unlock his door and realising it was bolted from the inside, Harm's concern escalated. Not too sure what was happening but deciding he needed the upper hand, whatever the situation, he left his seabag by the door before heading to the roof and quietly climbed down the fire escape which had an entry point at his living room window.

Not seeing anything amiss from the window other than the glow of light from his bedroom, Harm used the army knife he had on him to slide in between the two panes and flick the latch – grateful he hadn't installed the window alarms he had purchased six months ago but were still sitting on his counter. Easing the window up, he slithered through the gap and found his footing. Lamenting the fact that his gun was locked up in his bedroom, Harm took a few steps towards the closest to get a baseball bat before spying Mac's handbag on his kitchen counter.

As he neared the counter, he realised there was evidence of dishes in the sink and in the drainer, something he never left uncleaned when he went away. Opening the fridge as quietly as he could he saw the leftovers of at least three different takeaway meals, none of which were his. It was quickly clear that Mac had spent more than the one night here.

Wondering what it all meant, Harm went to the front door, unlocked it and grabbed his seabag before closing it and locking it once more. Dumping it by the sofa, he took the three steps to his bedroom before being assaulted by a well trained marine who launched herself from his blind spot and had him in a headlock before she realised it was Harm.  
"What the hell do you think you're doing coming in here at this hour like that, Harm, and scaring the shit out of me?" she yelled as she broke the headlock and pummelled his chest. "You're just goddamned lucky I didn't have a gun, Harm. Jesus Christ! Couldn't you have called or knocked on the door like a normal person. It's 0326 in the fricken morning and you come and scare the hell out of me."

Harm arms surrounded her and pulled her closer reducing her ability to cause him any real damage. He let her rant as the reality was she wouldn't have heard anything he had to say. Eventually, she dropped her head onto his chest and sighed as the adrenaline waned.

"In my defence, Mac," he said quietly, pulling her closer still. "This is my apartment. I thought I could come and go as I pleased."

Slowly, Mac looked up as the realisation dawned on her.  
"It's your apartment," she said and cringed.  
"It's my apartment," he repeated, his hold on her never faltering.  
"I'm sorry," she said, trying to pull away but he wouldn't let her. "I'll go."  
"No, you won't," he said, one hand rubbing her back trying to provide comfort to them both. "You're going to stay here, in this bed and in the morning we're going to talk this through."  
"No, it's alright, honestly," she said, breaking free from him. "I don't know what I was thinking staying over for the night anyway."  
"Mac, I know it was more than tonight and, while I would like to know the reasons, I don't mind you staying here whenever you want," he said, holding onto her hand and not letting her break free altogether.  
"I feel so stupid," she muttered as he took the small step to close the gap once more.  
"Do you want to talk about it now?" he asked, knowing through his counselling sessions that talking about things when the situation arises is better than shelving it for later.  
"No," she replied with a quick shake of her head, but she too had gained the same knowledge from her sessions and figured she should anyway. "Okay."

Still holding Mac's hand, Harm led her to the living room and sat on the sofa with her. Turning in the spot to face her, Harm used his thumb to rub circles on the back of her hand.  
"Anytime you're ready," he said quietly.  
"I missed you," she said very softly. "More than ever."  
"I missed you too," he replied, kissing her hand.  
"No," she continued with a shake of her head, "I really missed you. I missed our weekend together... I missed being able to see you ... and touch you ... and hold you."  
Harm was going to speak to reciprocate those feeling but he realised in time that this was not a general conversation it was for Mac to share her feelings, so he nodded instead.  
"And without you around," she whispered, her focus steady on their joined hands. "I couldn't really sleep ... well, I could sleep," she corrected herself. "Just with the nightmares...the ones about the fire." Harm lifted her hand and kissed it once more.  
"You've never actually told me what happens in your nightmares," he said gently as her eyes lifted to meet his. "Just that you've had them. Do you think you can share what happens in them with me?"

There was a short, painful silence as Mac contemplated his request. Slowly, she nodded.  
"You die... in all of them...and it's always my fault," she started.  
"Mac..." He went to interrupt before his counselling lessons kicked in. "I'm still here," he said.  
"I know...but not in my dreams," she said sadly. "I kill you in all of them."  
"How do you kill me?" he asked, his thumb caressing her face.  
"By putting you in danger, just like I did on 'that' day," she said, pulling back and standing up. "And in all of them I'm standing there in some fire ravaged place and you're dead and it's my fault."

Harm's eyes tracked her as she paced around the sofa. They'd had this conversation frequently over the past months. He had thought she had worked through the guilt, obviously he was wrong.  
"What will it take for you to forgive yourself?" he asked and she stopped abruptly.  
"I can't forgive me until you forgive me," she said matter of factly.  
"I've never blamed you," he said, getting to his feet and rounding the sofa to stand in front of her.  
"You must have!" she said emphatically. "How could you not?"  
"How could I?" he countered, wanting to see exactly what she was thinking.  
"I did something incredibly stupid that morning and look at the result?" she said, stepping back from him as he took a step towards her.  
"What result?" he asked, taking another step and causing her to step back once more.  
"You!" she said gesturing at him. "You were injured...you could have died...you needed surgery...you...you...you..."  
"I'm right here," he said quietly.  
"You could have died...I could have killed you! Don't you understand that?" she said, her voice rising.  
"I understand that," he said as he continued his slow approach to her, each movement forward causing her to move back – something which had never happened before. "I also understand that we have known each other forever and in that time we have continually put each other in jeopardy in the cases we have worked."  
"This wasn't a case," she said, unsure why he couldn't see the point.  
"We've done more damage to each other away from cases," he said quietly. "I know how much I've hurt you. All the times I should have done or said something about my feelings for you. All the opportunities I had to declare my love for you but never did. All the times I didn't make you realise you were everything in the world to me. And look at the result," he said taking another step.  
"What result?" she asked, moving backwards.  
"This result," he said, using his finger to indicate the two of them. "Rather than being curled up in bed together we're up at 0400 trying to right the wrongs of a long history together. Had I manned up years ago and trusted you with my heart all this would have been avoided."  
"Why didn't you?" she questioned, standing her ground as he stepped towards her.  
"Because I didn't know how," he admitted honestly. "I wasn't in a place where I thought I could offer you anything."  
"You could have," she countered.  
"I probably could have," he agreed, "but I doubt any relationship would have been successful. I didn't know what it took to have an equal and happy relationship with anyone."  
"Do you know now?" she asked, once again moving back as he neared her.  
"I don't know everything I need but I am very willing to work on it, Mac," he said, taking a small step forward. "I've told you this before...and I'll tell you again, I love you. I love who I am with you. You are the only person in the world to make me feel this way and I don't want to lose it – ever. If you need me to forgive you for the day at the fires, I will, but only if you forgive me for everything I did to hurt you over the years."

Mac's next step back saw her trip over Harm's seabag and end up on her butt near the armchair. Rather than racing to pick her up, Harm fought instinct and stayed where he was and looked at her; after all, it was his approach which had caused her to back away.  
"Right now, Mac," he said quietly, his eyes fixed on hers. "I want to come over and pick you up and hold you and kiss everything better, but I need to know it's what you want." For once this was not only about what he wanted, this had to be about what she wanted.  
"I want..." she said quietly. "I'll always want you pick me up and kiss everything better." She held her hands out to him and in two swift steps he was in front of her, tugging her from the floor. Wrapping her arms around his waist, Mac rested her head on his chest. Denial was a much less exhausting way to live than being honest and open and it was taking all her energy to fight her natural inclinations and let another human being get so close to her – physically and emotionally.

Dropping kisses on her crown, Harm pressed another kiss to her temple as his arms surrounded her and kept her flush against his body. He shook his head gently – why was 'happily ever after' always so easy in stories and movies?

Exhausted himself, and knowing Mac was too, Harm checked the time on the clock – 0456, he cringed. While he had leave until the following Tuesday, Mac didn't and she'd be heading to headquarters within the hour.  
"How about we climb into bed and you get a few more minutes sleep?" he said, releasing one of his arms and walking them to the bedroom.  
"Why?" she asked, going up the steps. "I could sleep for hours."  
"Me too," he agreed. "And I can, I don't have to go in today but..."  
"Neither do I," she replied as he pulled back the covers for her. "I just needed some time and took today as a personal day..."  
"Does that mean we can curl up in here and not get out until Monday morning?" he asked with a cheeky grin as he climbed in his side.  
"Yeah, it does," she said, scooting over to his side of the bed. "If you can stand it."  
"Oh, I can stand it," he said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her forehead.

Sleep came quickly for both and it was lunchtime before either stirred. Mac awoke first and pulled back slightly so she could look at him. This man was something she couldn't really explain. She never thought she would actually spend her life with someone else – hoped, yes, dreamt, yes, believed, no. The work she had done with McCool had helped her realise she was worthy of such love and adoration but her ability to put her complete faith in anyone, even Harm, was something she was still working on.

As she went to pull back a little further, Harm pulled her closer muttering his love and devotion to her and Mac smiled, the man did love her and she would never tire of hearing him say it. Then it dawned on her that perhaps it was about time he heard it from her. Considering it for a moment, Mac drew a deep breath, it wasn't as if she had never said those three words before – she had, several times. This time, however, she truly meant it. Deep down, she knew this is what love was supposed to feel like it.

As Harm started to stir, Mac propped herself up on and elbow and ran her other hand up his torso and across his shoulder.  
"Hey," he said hoarsely as his eyes opened to find her watching him.  
"Hey," she replied, leaning in and kissing him gently.  
"Sleep well?" he asked when she pulled back. Mac nodded. "Good."  
"You?" she asked, her hand moving from his shoulder up to his head before her fingers gently raked against his scalp.  
"Very well," he replied, his eyes never leaving hers. He had to wonder what was actually happening here.  
"Harm," she said quietly.  
"Yes," he replied, rolling to his side and propping up on an elbow to face her, mirroring her position.  
"Harm," she repeated as his arm slid across her waist and his hand came to rest on his back.  
"Yes," he repeated, rubbing her back, his heart starting to beat faster.  
"Harm..." She brought her hand up to his face and her deep chocolate eyes locked onto concerned blue pools. "I am very much in love with you." She smiled as his eyes teared up.  
"I love you too, Mac," he said in a whisper, his heart seemingly skipping a beat.  
"I love you too, Harm," she repeated before realising she had been the one to say it first. Laughing, she rested her head on his.  
"What's so funny?" he asked, pulling her closer,  
"I said 'I love you too' after you'd said it – I didn't need too," she said with a giggle.  
"For future reference, Sarah MacKenzie, I will never get tired of hearing you say it," he said earnestly before kissing her nose.  
"In that case," she said, wrapping an arm around his neck. "I love you, Harmon Rabb. I love you very, very much," she said before stealing a kiss. "I love you more than anything."

Harm smiled and allowed himself to lose himself in her presence and her kisses – who needed food? He was sure you could definitely live on love alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Not mine

Even though it had been late October when Mac had declared her love for Harm, they didn't consummated that love until Thanksgiving. True to his word, Harm, despite every urge his body had ever experienced, didn't want to make their relationship about sex. That was what he said in hospital the day of the fires and it still held true. If he wanted a life time of love and making love with Mac then he could wait. With all other relationships he'd fallen into bed too easily and too quickly, sometimes sex had been the only basis of a relationship, and it wasn't going to happen this time.

Mac wasn't as patient and while Harm seemed content to move slowly through their courtship, she decided things needed to be stepped up a bit. After a few suggestions on her behalf didn't seem to be heeded, Mac figured she'd go with something a little more direct. Harm had promised to pick Mac up by noon for their Thanksgiving dinner at the Roberts'. Not sure why he needed to pick her up four hours before he had intended to, Harm knocked on her door right on midday.

When Mac opened the door and let him in, he was surprised to find the apartment in near darkness except for the glow of candles scattered around.  
"Mac?" he asked, closing the door behind him. "What's going on?"  
"Come with me," she said, taking his hand and leading him to the seldom used dining table.

The table was beautifully decorated with a rich burgundy table cloth, two gold candlestick holders adorned with long burgundy candles which had been lit. The table had been set for an intimate meal for two, the pure white crockery in stark contrast to the tablecloth.  
"Sit," she encouraged, pulling out a chair for him at the top of the table.  
"Aren't we going to the Roberts'?" he questioned, sitting down as she requested.  
"We are," Mac replied, "but that's for dinner." She picked up a white napkin and opened it before setting it on his lap.  
"So, what's this?" he asked, taking her hand.  
"Brunch," she said, kissing his hand. "It's nothing too heavy so won't spoil your appetite for later."

Soon, Mac brought in Eggs Benedict with salmon and rocket and placed it in front of Harm.  
"Don't look so concerned," she said, kissing his temple. "I promise it's good."

After a first reluctant taste, Harm devoured the meal, more than happy to declare it one of the best things he'd eaten in a long time. Mac smiled as she ate her own meal, waiting for Harm to ask 'the' question. When he said nothing, Mac looked at him.  
"Before you ask, yes, I did make it myself," she said with a proud smile.  
"It was wonderful," he said, wiping his mouth. "Where did you learn to cook like that?" Mac's culinary skills had often been the butt of many jokes – mostly her own.  
"I've...um...I've been taking some classes," she admitted shyly.  
"Really?" he asked, dropping his napkin onto the table. "It's certainly paid off."  
"Thank you," she said as she finished her meal.  
"What inspired you to take cooking classes?" he asked as he drank his juice.  
"You," she said simply before flashing him a smile. "You always seem so natural in the kitchen and it's something I wanted to enjoy with you."  
"I could have taught you," he said, ducking his head to keep eye contact with her.  
"I know," she replied. "But in one of my sessions with McCool she suggested I spend time on non work related activities...to take up a hobby or learn a new skill...I figured this one was something we could both enjoy."  
"It is," he said with a nod. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
"Thought you'd laugh at me," she admitted honestly. "And I wanted it to be a surprise."  
"Well, I probably would have," he acknowledged. "And it definitely was a surprise."  
"Good," she said with a satisfied smile. "Are you ready for the next course?"  
"The next course? How many courses are there?" he questioned.  
"Three in all," she said, her nerves starting to build.

While technically correct, only one of those courses involved food, the other was purely her.  
"Bring it on," he said with a grin and before long Mac had placed a tall crystal parfait glass in front of them both.  
"What is it?" Harm asked, surveying the fruity delight in front of him.  
"Fresh fruit salad with honey vanilla yoghurt," she replied, watching as he picked up his spoon. "Made it myself," she added.  
"Mmmmm," he said, one spoonful in. "Amazing."  
Mac smiled; hopefully that would be his reaction to the next offering too.

When the fruit salad had disappeared, Mac stood and cleared away the glasses and spoons. Standing by the sink, she drew in some deep breaths; she wanted this more than anything but a sudden bout of nerves as to what Harm's reaction might be saw doubt rise.  
"What's the third..." Harm started before taking in her concerned appearance. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing," she said quickly with a shake of her head.  
"Maaac, you want to try again?" he said, crossing the kitchen to her. "Is there a problem with the third course? Because if there is, it's okay." Scanning the benches he tried to figure out what the next course was, there was nothing there.  
"No, no, nothing like that," she said, wiping her hands on the cloth beside her.  
"Then..." he drawled, placing his arms on her shoulders and leaning in, "what else have you got for me?"  
"Me," she said with quiet confidence.  
"You?" he questioned, catching her gaze.  
"Aha," she said with a nod. "Third course...if you want it...is me."

Pressing up on tiptoes, Mac placed a gentle kiss on his lips, pulling back only slightly when Harm didn't seem to reciprocate. Her retraction spurred Harm into action and he quickly wrapped her in his arms and deepened the kiss to impossible levels. When air became a necessity, they broke apart before Harm rested his forehead on hers.  
"All meals should end so well," he said, quickly kissing her nose.  
"The meal's not over," she said, taking his hand back out to the living room. Blowing out the table candles, Mac continued to lead Harm towards her bedroom. Stopping in the doorway, Mac paused and figured she's d lay it on the line. "I am thankful for you...so very thankful," she said softly. "I am thankful for your love...your understanding...your care...your incredible patience ... your commitment to this relationship..."  
"I am thankful to you for all those things too," he echoed before tenderly kissing her.  
"And now..." she said, pulling back. "I want to show you how much I love you...that's if..."

Not allowing her to finish her thought, lest she believed he wasn't as interested in this course as he was the previous two, Harm kissed her soundly as Mac backed them into her room. Slipping of his jacket, Mac made quick work of unbuttoning his shirt and jeans before pulling back and allowing him to toe off his shoes and step out of his jeans. As he did, Mac pulled off her sweater and stepped out of her shoes and jeans.

While her fantasies, on occasion, had Harm throwing her down on the bed in a heated rush of lust and desire, Mac took the opportunity to divest herself of underwear before sliding between the crisp blue sheets she had put on that morning. Curiously, she watched as Harm slid into the other side, still with his boxers on.  
"What?" he asked when he caught her expression.  
"What's with the boxers?" she asked, reaching under the covers and tugging on the fabric.  
"I thought we were taking things slowly," he said. "Anyway, you're one to talk – you're still in your underwear."  
"No, I'm not," she said, shuffling closer to him.  
"Yeah," he protested before picking up the covers and realising she was telling the truth. "How did I miss that?"

Having been so preoccupied undressing himself and trying not to let Mac see his hands shake too much, he had missed her unveiling – something he vowed not to do ever again.

Deftly, he divested himself of the boxers and tossed them behind him onto the floor somewhere.  
"Now, I'm ready," he said with a cheeky grin.  
"Now you're ready," Mac said almost simultaneously.

As Mac had instigated this early afternoon tryst, Harm was happy to let her take the lead; after all, he was just thankful that she'd pushed things ahead. He'd been desperate for this encounter for a long time and he knew if he let his mind runaway with what was actually happening, things may come to a quicker than desired end.

Paying attention to the woman who was sharing his bed, Harm felt the soft kisses trailing from his mouth, down his neck and across his collarbone. There were soft, supple hands caressing his body as they went and the entanglement of legs deeper under the covers. With his own hands roaming freely before finding a suitable anchorage point, Harm started his own exploration of Mac's body.

It was of little surprise to either of them that their most intimate connections were fully in sync. Breathless moans and groans filled her bedroom as magic ensued and the realisation of a decade of missed opportunities and unresolved sexual tension was resolved in an extremely satisfactorily manner.

Even though it was her idea, as she fell back onto the mattress in a haze of orgasmic bliss after their second intense and fulfilling coupling, Mac had to admit theirs was the most magical and sensational encounter ever known to man...or woman, and she didn't care that she was biased.  
"That was incredible," she said when she caught her breath. "I want to do it again."  
"Didn't we just do it again?" Harm asked slumping onto what now would be his side.  
"Yeah," Mac said, looking up at the ceiling as she caught her breath. "But I want to make sure it isn't an anomaly."  
"What's an anomaly?" Harm asked, rolling to his side and facing her.  
"You being incredibly good second time around," she said with a chuckle as she rolled towards him.  
"Oh, I think you'll find I get better each and every time," he boasted before leaning forward and stealing a kiss.  
"Exactly what a girl wants to hear," Mac said, rolling herself onto him and proving that third time is a definite charm.

Late to the Roberts' residence, both were starving by the time they entered the house.  
"Sorry, we're late," Mac said as Bud took her jacket.  
"It's okay, Aunty Mac," AJ said. "We always expect you to be late when you're with Uncle Harm."  
"Hey, it wasn't all my fault," Harm said in his defence as AJ took his jacket.  
"What was Aunty Mac doing to make you late?" Jimmy asked and Mac looked at Ham before raising an eyebrow.  
"You want to field that one, Harm?" Mac asked with a smirk and Harm shook his head.  
"Alright, it was me," he conceded. No-one in this particular house needed to know what Mac was doing to him to cause their tardiness...but it was well worth the delay.

After dinner, Mac was snuggled up on the sofa with Nikki who had taken a tumble and given herself more of a fright than any real injury. Caressing the child's head, Mac watched the animated face of the five year old as she tried to tell her godmother about the Thanksgiving Pageant the night before at school. Watching the pair from the doorway for a while, Harm padded across and Mac edged over so he could sit beside her.

Before long the child had drifted off to sleep after protesting she wasn't at all tired, despite her bedtime having been and gone.  
"She's beautiful," Harm whispered as she caressed the child's head. "So are you," he added before kissing Mac's temple. "Love you."  
"Love you too," she replied before stealing another kiss.

AJ stood stock still in the doorway. This was huge! Bigger than huge it was ginormous! Backing into the kitchen, he inadvertently bumped into his mother.  
"Whatever are you doing?" she asked the 13 year old.  
"Ssh," he said, peering back into the living room.  
"What?" Harriet asked in hushed tones as she looked into the room with him.  
"Uncle Harm just kissed Aunty Mac," he whispered loudly. "And, he said 'love you' and then she said "I love you too."  
"AJ, haven't we told you not to spy on people?" she questioned, her eyes still fixed on her children's god parents.  
"I wasn't spying," he said defensively. "I went to go in and they were all cosy and kissy."

With a broad grin she was trying to hide, Harriet made enough noise to alert the cosy kissy couple that they were about to be interrupted.  
"I see you've worked your magic, Mac. Nikki doesn't normally fall asleep so quickly," Harriet said, scooping up her daughter. "I'll just take her to bed. AJ, it's your bedtime too; say goodnight."

Hugs and kisses were exchanged before AJ trailed his mother up the stairs to be met by his father who had just tucked in his brothers.  
"Don't go down yet," AJ said as Bud went to pass them.  
"Why not?" asked Bud, turning back to them.  
"Aunty Mac and Uncle Harm are all lovey and kissy down there," he said with an air of distaste. "You don't want to see that."  
Bud shook his head; no, no, he didn't.

Taking his daughter from his wife's arms, Bud went about the task of putting her to bed while Harriet saw to AJ – not that he needed help, she was just buying time before going downstairs.

Meanwhile, the Roberts' sofa had never felt as comfortable as Mac manoeuvred herself around to be facing Harm; thus allowing her to keep one eye on him and one eye on the staircase. Through conversations over recent months, Mac had disclosed to Harriet that she and Harm were working on things. This news had delighted Harriet but this development in the relationship was very new and she wanted to keep it to themselves, for a little bit anyway.

Harm had no such thoughts. Actually, he had no thoughts on any matter except his love for the woman in his arms. Engaged in a rather passionate kiss, Mac's focus drifted and before she knew it Harriet and Bud were standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at them.  
"Oops," she said as she turned to look at them, their lips still connected. "Sprung."  
"Definitely sprung," said Harriet moving over to them.

There were a million questions Harriet thought she'd want to ask when her friends finally got together but, as she looked at their faces, there was only one important one. "Are you happy?"  
"Very," they answered in unison.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Not mine

December was a month of mixed fortunes. The primary misfortune was Harm's out of town case which saw him leave DC on the second of the month and scheduled to return home by the 21st. Emails and phone calls home to Mac just didn't cut it. Just as he was counting down the last couple of days until he'd see her again, she called with the news of an out of town trip of her own.  
"It should only be three days," Mac said in a late night phone call. "I should be back on the 22nd."

Harm sighed; three days could turn out to be much longer and that may mean no Christmas together and, if that was the case, he was going to be absolutely devastated.  
"Where are you going?" he asked, playing with a thread on his pyjamas as he spoke.  
"Camp Pendleton," she said. "A marine recruit is claiming discrimination and they want legal advice."  
"Can't you do it by phone?" he asked pleadingly.  
"I wish...the General out there, General Alan Peterson, asked for me personally. The recruit is his granddaughter," she explained.  
"Make sure you call my mom while you're out there, even if you can't see her," Harm said. "She'll be impossible if she finds out you were in town without her knowledge."  
Mac laughed. It was a long time since any mother had cared where she was or what she did.  
"I will," she replied.

Then came the fortune... With plans looking decidedly unsure for Christmas, Harm took it upon himself to organise something. Going in to see General Cresswell, while Mac was still in California, Harm explained the situation.  
"I'm sure Mac is going to kick my six for doing this without her knowledge," he started before taking the seat the general was pointing to. "But I think there's something you need to know..."  
"And what would that be, Commander?" Cresswell asked, propping himself on the edge of his desk and smiling to himself. Unbeknownst to his current visitor, Mac had paid him a visit not long before her departure.  
"Mac and I are exploring a relationship...actually, we are in a relationship," he clarified. "And as such, our career options need to be explored."  
"And why would that be?" he asked, wondering how much the younger man would divulge.

Without speaking, Harm pulled out the small Tiffany's & Co box he had in his pocket – the message was self explanatory.

Because he was much more of a romantic than anyone would have guessed, or he would ever have admitted to, General Cresswell organised ten days leave for them both, ensuring they could share Christmas and the New Year. Then, to make sure Mac didn't get delayed in transit or the like, he organised for her to be 'delayed' at Camp Pendleton, ensuring Harm would arrive in California in time to surprise her.

And it was a surprise.

Harm had called his mother to invite himself and Mac for Christmas. His mother was delighted; it had been nearly twenty years since she had spent the special day with her son. Then he had asked his mother to invite Mac over for dinner on her 'delayed' night – something she readily accepted.

Already knowing Trish was a great non-vegetarian cook, from their time there convalescing, and being at a loose end, Mac jumped at the chance of a proper dinner. With nothing left to do at Pendleton and more than a tad confused as to the paperwork snafu which was keeping her in town, Mac figured a night with Harm's parents was the next best thing to a night with him.

Stepping into the Burnett living room, Mac's eyes widened as she took in the most immaculate and elegant Christmas decorations she'd ever seen. An 8ft Douglas Fir Tree stood in the bay window perfectly adorned with gold and red decorations. The house was festooned in other Christmas artefacts, each one exquisite and complimenting the theme Trish had going.

"Just beautiful," she said as she turned and took in the house. "You're so talented, Trish."  
"Must admit, I had a little help from the girls at the gallery," she said with a chuckle. "It's all a bit beyond me these days. Now, come on in, dinner will be ready in a few minutes."

The night disappeared amid hours of fine food, photo albums and stories. Before she knew it, it was nearly midnight and Mac got to her feet.  
"I'm so sorry, I didn't realise the time," she apologised. "It's three minutes from Christmas Eve and I'm sure you both have plans for tomorrow."

Frank looked to Trish, then his watch. His tardiness-prone son was living up to his reputation and Frank was surprised they'd been able to detain Mac so long.  
"What are your plans for tomorrow, Mac?" Frank asked, trying to buy a little more time.  
"None really," she said with a shrug. "The General at Pendleton said he should have the paperwork mess cleared by noon and then I'd be free to fly home. I only hope I can get a flight."  
"We would love to have you join us for tomorrow morning," Frank said with a smile. "We're having a small Christmas brunch here for my sister and her husband who are travelling through California on the way to see their son in Hawaii. I would love for you to meet them."  
Mac thought about it for a moment – stale and cold offerings at the Pendleton mess or a wonderful brunch with family in La Jolla. It was a no brainer.  
"What time?" she asked eagerly.  
"Elsa and Bob will be here by ten," Frank started to explain.  
"I could be here by ten," Mac confirmed."Thank you for the invitation."  
"Well," Trish began slowly. "If you are able...and feel free to say no...I don't want to put any pressure on you..."  
"To do what?" Mac asked, studying the older woman.  
"I was thinking...well, no...it's too much to ask," she said with a shake of the head.  
"No, it's not," Mac said quickly, still not sure of what 'it' was.  
"I was thinking, well, hoping, that since you don't have anything to do in the morning that perhaps you would sleep over tonight and help me organise things," she said quickly, gesturing to the kitchen.  
Mac's eyes opened wider. "You want my help?"  
"I do. Harm told me you were a wonderful cook," she said with a smile. "And it would be a shame to put those lessons to waste."

With Trish's offer taken up by Mac, she took her by the arm and led her to the kitchen trying to hide her smile. Who needed to be a puppeteer to get someone to do exactly what you want?

As Trish gave Mac a rundown of the planned morning's menu and got her ideas on what order to do things in, Frank had let Harm in and ushered him upstairs. Thanks to sitting next to a traveller with a fear of flying and frequent bursts of unexpected turbulence, Harm felt it would be far more romantic to shower and change first and rid himself of the evidence of said sickly passenger than to see Mac in the grotty, smelly state he was in.

Clean, smelling much fresher and clad only in his boxers, Harm heard movement in the hallway outside and decided to climb into bed and wait for Mac. After all, it would only be a few minutes and he knew, from previous experience, if he was too close and startled her, she could cause some serious damage, something he didn't want to risk. Alas, Trish hadn't picked up on Frank's cues to let Mac go to bed and so it was another fifteen minutes before Mac opened the bedroom door; nine minutes after Harm had fallen asleep.

Turning the light on as she shut the door, Mac was startled by the groan behind her and spun quickly. Soon, a wide smile spread across her face.  
"Harm!" she exclaimed, hurrying to the bed as he stirred. "I've missed you so much!" In a wave of sheer joy,

Mac threw herself on top of him and smothered his face and head with kisses before her lips settled on his and they shared a very long, passionate exchange.  
"Surprise," he finally managed when she pulled back.  
"What are you doing here?" she asked, not moving from her position.  
"How about you get into bed and I'll explain everything to you?" he countered and Mac jumped up, closed the door properly and headed to the bathroom.  
"Promise you'll still be awake when I come back?" she asked, pausing by the door.  
"Oh, definitely," he replied, sitting up.

It took Mac four minutes and 18 seconds in the bathroom and when she reappeared she was nude; not bothering with the question as to whether or not they'd make love – they certainly were. Besides, she had no other clothes with her.

The only thing Harm got to explain when Mac slipped into bed beside him was how much he loved her and how much he'd missed her in the three weeks they'd been apart. After that, there were only sensual kisses and passionate love making, only tempered by the fact it was his parents house and noise levels had to be considered.

It was midmorning when Mac stirred still in Harm's arms and she smiled happily, thankful the reality had matched what she had thought was just a dream. It was then the time of day struck her and she startled.  
"What's wrong?" Harm asked opening one eye.  
"It's 0942 and I promised your mom I'd help her organise brunch for Frank's sister and brother-in-law," she said, trying to sit up but failing due to Harm's grasp.  
"Can I let you in on a secret?" he asked her and Mac nodded. "Frank's an only child."  
"What?" Mac asked, falling back into bed beside him. "He said..."  
"He said it to keep you over last night so I could surprise you..." Harm said with a smile.  
"But he was..." Mac started again.  
"He was very convincing, I know," he agreed. "The man didn't get to the top of the business world without learning a thing or two about bluffing."  
"I'll have to remember that," she said, snuggling in closer, glad she didn't have to get up just yet.

While Mac had plans to snuggle and catch up, Harm plans were a little more physical and it wasn't until they had stepped out of a very stimulating shower that Mac realised she needed to collect her things from Pendleton and make travel arrangements.  
"In the closet you'll find your gear from Pendleton and a bag from home I packed for you," he said, wrapping a fluffy white towel around his waist.  
"How? Why?" she asked, hitching her own towel and padding to the closet.  
"Well, if you have no objections, I'd like to spend Christmas here with you and New Year's at the cottage, if you're up to it...and you want to," he said, quietly as his arms surrounded her waist once more.

Mac looked up at him as her hands ran up over his bare, water glistening chest and linked behind his neck.  
"I want to...and I'm up for it," she said pulling him closer. "I think it's a wonderful idea to celebrate the festive season in California." Standing on tiptoes she pressed a kiss to his lips. "It's just I'm expected back in DC tonight."  
"You're not expected in DC until January 5th," he said, kissing her forehead.  
"But..." she began to protest.  
"I hope you don't mind but I organised leave for us both, we return Monday January 5th," he said quietly, praying he'd done the right thing.  
"Wow," she said, gazing at him. "No, I don't mind...only..." she hesitated.  
"Only what?" he questioned. "If it's staying with mom and Frank we can get..."  
"No, no, nothing like that," she said letting him go.  
"Then what?" he said releasing her from his grip.  
"Your Christmas present is still in DC and I have nothing for your parents and..." she began to explain.

Harm tugged her back into his arms and held her tightly. "Firstly, I have everything I could possible ever want for Christmas right here in my arms." He dropped a kiss on her nose. "Secondly, nothing you buy my mother will be more loved or appreciated than the fact you are spending Christmas here with her."  
"I think it's the fact you are spending Christmas here," Mac corrected gently.  
"Yes, she's extremely happy about that," Harm agreed. "However, you being here is going to make it incredibly special for us all."  
"Oh, Harm," she said tearfully.

It was only after brunch when Mac had finished helping Trish clean up that she thought more about the plans Harm had made for them.  
"Trish, It was very kind of you to help Harm make all the arrangements for me to spend Christmas here," she said, hanging up the dish towel.  
"I didn't do anything but say yes to having you celebrate Christmas with us and getting you to stay over last night so he could surprise you," Trish said, as she wiped down the bench.  
"So, who helped Harm?" Mac asked rhetorically.  
"Who helped me what?" Harm asked, stealing a kiss as he brought in his and Frank's empty coffee mugs.  
"Organise my leave and luggage and plans..." she said, waving her hand.  
"Well, if you have to know it was General Cresswell," he said, turning to face her.  
"General Cresswell?" she checked.  
"Yes, I went and had a talk to him and told him what I wanted and he was very helpful," Harm said, wrapping his arms around her.  
"And what did you tell him you wanted?" Mac asked, her hands resting on his chest.  
"I told him I loved you and I wanted to spend this special season with you and he was very helpful," Harm admitted truthfully.  
"Wow," she said softly, she had had a similar conversation with their CO in Harm's absence and had discussed the need for career options due to their developing relationship, but she'd never actually admitted to their boss that she was in love with this man. "Who'd have thought Cresswell was a romantic."  
"Definitely not me," Harm agreed. "I wasn't expecting much from him, other than signing off on our leave."  
"I don't know why you both sound so surprised," Trish interrupted as she busied herself with some flowers on the table. "Gordon Cresswell is a delightful man."  
"What?" the asked in unison as they spun towards her.  
"How would you know?" Harm asked.

It was then Trish divulged the details of her post fire conversations with the man and how Mac got to stay in La Jolla an extra seven days...and how she had chatted to him when he called and they were napping...and how she called him once they had returned to DC and to work to thank him.  
Harm shook his head; his mother was amazing and it also explained why Cresswell had asked him twice about his mother's welfare in recent months. Twice more than in the rest of the time he'd known the man.

AN: Given we have celebrated Remembrance Day (or our local variations thereof) on the 11/11, I thought I'd share a personal story.

Our family has never had any military history of note and yet I've always felt a strong connection to the military and their commemorative days. During my very recent family history research, I have found that my great grandfather served in WW1 as a Private in the East Lancashire Regiment.

Approximately a week after being deployed in France he was taken prisoner, this was in August 1914. My grandfather wasn't born until December 1914. It is believed he was imprisoned for 7 years before being repatriated to Ireland. Meaning my grandfather would have been 7 meeting his father (quite the opposite of our dashing hero).

My great grandfather's service and POW incarceration were never mentioned and my mother and her siblings never knew this about their grandfather. I have a request into the International Red Cross to investigate his time as a PoW and this can take up to two years (and costs approx $200), however it will be well worth it so we can pay proper respect to this man, and those like him, who suffered so much for our freedom.

Maybe that's why such days as Remembrance Day and ANZAC Day have always meant so much and felt so personal- I just couldn't explain why.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Not mine

St Joseph's Church was the site of the midnight mass attended by the family. Frank stepped into the pew first, followed by Trish, Mac and Harm. As the carols sang out and the candles glowed on the altar, Mac slipped her hand into Harm's. They had been present at many Christmas services before, even sat side by side, but they had never been together and that was something Mac was making up for.

"It's a beautiful church," Mac whispered to Harm as they sat down.  
"It is," he agreed. "It's where mom and Frank were married."  
"Yes, she told me this afternoon," she said with a small smile.

_That afternoon, Trish had needed to run an errand and Mac had volunteered to keep her company. After they had picked up what they needed from the department store, Trish had suggested they stop for coffee before heading home and all the hustle and bustle of Christmas Eve preparations. As they sat and sipped coffee, Trish had studied the younger woman and it dawned on her that she had been complicit in Harm's Christmas plans for Mac and, being so excited, hadn't given thought to the fact that Mac may have had other people to see and be with._

_"Sarah, I know it's a bit late," she started slowly. "But if there is somewhere else you should have been or someone you need to call..."_  
_"No, there's nowhere else," she interrupted. "I'm very happy right here in La Jolla." She wanted to add 'with Harm' but she thought that was a given._  
_"Anyone you need to call...for Christmas..." Trish continued, and Mac shook her head._  
_"We'll call the Roberts' tomorrow but that's it," she said, picking up her coffee once more._  
_"Sarah," Trish said slowly before pausing._  
_"What it is?" Mac asked, concerned by the other woman's concern._  
_"Harm's never told me much about you...about your family...and I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me about them," she said quietly. Smiling sadly, Mac put down her cup. "Sorry, sweetheart," Trish said, "You don't have to say anything...I was just interested."_

_With a deep breath, Mac did something which had been completely foreign to her before her more in depth counselling and relationship with Harm, she told Trish the truth. The truth about the her parents, her alcoholism, her short, failed marriage, the general pain and anguish which made up her life and all the while, Trish held her hand tightly and didn't interrupt, nor did she take the time to dry the tears falling sliding her own cheeks._

_"I can see why my son loves you, Sarah," Trish said, squeezing her hand. "You are an amazing woman."_  
_"No, I'm not," she replied shyly. "I'm just me."_  
_"And that's why Harm loves you," she said with a smile. "You had every reason to give up on yourself and the world but look at what you have achieved."_

_Mac's smile widened; when she took the time to think about things, she was proud of her successes._  
_"And I think that's why you and my son are so much in tune, he suffered his own pain and anguish as a child," Trish said sadly. "And it impacted his whole life."_  
_"I know," Mac agreed._

As the strains of 'O, Holy Night' filled the church, Mac rested her head on Harm's shoulder.  
"Everything alright?" he asked, looking down to find Mac's tears before kissing her forehead.  
"Perfect," she whispered and as Harm looked down he saw his mother's hand holding Mac's and smiled.

Christmas Day was delightful and the mild weather in California was a marked difference to the cold, snowy ones DC usually offered. As the turkey baked and vegetables cooked, the family sat in the living room ready to exchange presents.  
"I'm sorry I have nothing to exchange," Mac said, as Trish handed her a shoebox size box elegantly wrapped.  
"You being here is present enough, sweetheart," Trish replied as she kissed Mac's head.  
"I told you so," Harm chimed in as he kissed her hand.

Mac's gift was bath products and she smiled gratefully, more than happy with the contents of the box. It was Harm's gift which reduced her to tears. Opening the flat pale blue box she found it contained a fine gold chain with a diamond encrusted love heart pendant.  
"It's gorgeous," she whispered as she took it from the box.  
"You're gorgeous," he corrected as he took it from her and looped it around her neck. "This is just a little symbol of how much I love you and the fact that you have my heart."  
"Oh, Harm," she said holding him tightly as her tears fell. Christmas had never been so perfect.

The day after Christmas, Harm and Mac strolled along the beach hand in hand. Though the day had been mild, a cool breeze had picked up as they started their walk and hand in hand became wrapped in each other as they made their way along the otherwise deserted beach. Stopping at the closest point to the trail back to the Burnett house, Harm sat on a rock and waited for Mac to sit in front of him, before wrapping her in his arms and resting his chin on her shoulder.

There was a gentle calmness surrounding them as Mac leant back into him, one hand snaking up around his neck before she craned her neck for a kiss. This Christmas had been pure bliss and went a long way to making up for the past. Slowly, she shook her head now was time for the future, not the past.  
"Something wrong?" Harm asked as Mac returned her attention to the waves lapping on the shore.  
"Nope," she said with a sigh, "Everything's wonderful."

"You sure?" he checked. "I thought I lost you for a minute there."  
"You did," she confirmed. "Was thinking about how much better this Christmas was to any in the past and then realised I shouldn't be thinking of the past, only the future."  
"And what do you think that future will look like?" he asked, watching the water with her.  
"I'm not really sure," she said, kissing his arm which surrounded her. "But it contains you and me and that's the only important thing."

Harm smiled; that was how he pictured the future and he hoped, that come New Year's Eve, she'd accept the ring which would be a sign of that future together.

Unfortunately, later that night when they had been asleep for little more than an hour, Mac pre-empted Harm's plans of a romantic proposal under the stars in front of the cottage on Hemingway Mountain when she sat up cross-legged in the bed and waited for Harm to wake. He did...eventually.

When his eyes opened and focused he could see his beloved watching him intently with glistening tear trails down her cheeks. Reaching out, he took her hand in his and waited for her to speak, it didn't happen. Sitting up, he faced Mac and took both hands in his.  
"Nightmares?" he asked, squeezing her hands but Mac shook her head. "Too much turkey?"  
"Nah," she said with a small laugh.  
"Well, you're smiling so it can't be all that bad," he said, not too sure what to make of it all.  
"I love you, Harmon Rabb," she said, her eyes locked onto his. "So damn much."  
"I love you too, gorgeous," he replied before waiting for her to explain this middle of the night exchange. She didn't speak. "I want to ask 'what's wrong?' but, by the look on your face, I don't know if there is a 'wrong' problem."  
"You're right, there's nothing wrong," she said quietly.  
"I'm glad to hear that," he said just as quietly. "So, tell me, what's got you sitting up in the middle of the night not quite talking to me?"  
"I need to know something..." she started, before tilting her head to the side.  
"I love you very much," he interjected, thinking that was what she needed to hear.  
"I know you do," she said, her smile widening. "That's not quite...well, maybe it's more something I need to ask..."  
"Ask me," he said, shifting closer to her.  
"Do you think that, around summer sometime, you would ... um..." she paused, not too sure how to go on.  
"I'd do what, Mac?" he asked, prepared to do anything she wanted.  
"Well, I was thinking that maybe you would ... ah...maybe you'd consider marrying me and making me your wife," she said as a tear trickled down her cheek.  
"You're asking me to marry you?" he checked and Mac nodded.  
"I know it wasn't a really romantic proposal but I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to know that you want to do the same," she said, her voice a little shaky.  
"Yes, Sarah MacKenzie," he said, leaning in and kissing her briefly. "I will marry you."

Grinning widely, Mac got to her knees and leant into Harm, kissing him soundly as they became horizontal once more. It wasn't until they had finished celebrating their new status that Harm drew Mac's face up and kissed her nose.

"I hate to ask, Mac," he said in a whisper.  
"Ask what?" she said, rolling back on top on him.  
"My ring...do I get a ring?" he asked with a smirk.

Instantly, Mac was off the bed and Harm was concerned he'd done something wrong.  
"I was joking," he said, following her off the bed and she went to the closet.  
"Were you?" she questioned, spinning around with a small black box in her hand before offering it to him.  
"I thought you said my present was in DC," he said, taking the box.  
"Your Christmas present is at home," she said quietly. "I've had this for about a month now...waiting for the right moment and I was going to wait til New Year's but I woke up just now and wondered why I should wait any longer..."

Popping the box opened, Harm found an impressive 18ct white gold men's engagement ring with a immaculate rectangular baguette cut diamond in its centre.  
"Mac, it's beautiful," he said, tears appearing on his cheeks.  
"Not as beautiful as you," she whispered, taking the ring and slipping it onto his finger. "I love you so much."  
"I love you too," he replied, taking one last look at the ring before kissing her soundly.

When they finally started moving back towards the bed, Harm stopped and gazed down at her.  
"Hope you don't think I'm stealing your thunder..." he said as he quickly kissed her twice. "But ... ah...I had something similar in mind for when we were at the cottage..." He moved to his jacket hanging over the back of the chair. "So, ah..." He produced the Tiffany's & Co box and stood in front of her. "I'd understand if you don't want this...after all, it's usually only the one who is asked the question that gets the ring," he said with a smirk.  
"Well, I like breaking with tradition," she said, holding out her hand, "If you still want me to have it."

Harm pulled the ring from its case and was sure Mac's eyes were sparkling more than the Tiffany Embrace engagement ring with the two carat weight diamond encrusted band with the brilliant round diamond in the middle.  
"Harm, it's amazing...it must have cost a fortune," she said, mesmerised by its beauty.

It did cost a fortune...a rather large one but Sarah MacKenzie was worth every last cent of it and the look on her face made the dip into his savings well worth it.  
"I know the question has already been asked and answered but I've been kind of practicing ...with this..." he said waving the ring in the air. "So may I..."  
"Go ahead," she replied tearfully.

Harm dropped onto one knee before taking her left hand and kissing it.  
"Sarah MacKenzie, I love you so much," he began his eyes locked with hers. "For so very long I have wanted to take this journey with you but it is only now I feel we are ready to put the past behind us and move into the future. You would make me the happiest man alive if you will let me be your husband. Mac, will you marry me?"  
"I will," she said with a nod, her words not really audible as her tears fell.

With ease, Harm slipped the ring onto her finger and clasped her left hand with his, allowing their rings to come together before kissing them.  
"This is the start of something amazing, Mac," he said, kissing a trail up to her lips.  
"I think the amazing started a while ago," she replied, her lips finding his.

There was little left to discuss as the couple celebrated their love until dawn's first rays, each time more intense and more fulfilling and well worth sleeping through until 1300 to regain their much depleted energy levels.

Having lunch arrangements of their own which saw them leave the house by eleven, Trish and Frank weren't aware of the developments until they arrived home a little before dinner time and found the happy couple curled up on the sofa together asleep. Initially, they were happy enough to let the younger couple sleep until Trish saw the new acquisitions glittering on their hands and shrieked – both startled awake.

"Does this mean what I think it means?" she asked, grabbing both their hands and trying to inspect both rings at once.  
"It does, mom," Harm said, moving towards his mother to prevent his arm becoming detached with the way she was pulling at it.  
"Oh, congratulations!" she exclaimed, moving in and kissing them both several times. "I am so very happy for you both."  
Frank's congratulations were just as heartfelt, even if a little less exuberant.

Later, as Mac and Trish organised dinner they chatted about the ring, and the proposal, and about the wedding plans. Mac was thinking of a June wedding and figured six months was ample time to put together a simple wedding. Trish wasn't so sure and tried to argue for a spring one, or even one in the subsequent year.

Taking her hand, Mac sat Trish down at the table with her.  
"I know plans are one thing but I really want it to be June," Mac said quietly.  
"Are you...?" Trish asked excitedly pointing at Mac's belly.  
"No, not at all," she said, although she hoped she would be at sometime in the coming year.  
"Then why they rush for June?" Trish asked, glancing at the door to make sure they were still alone.  
"This is going to sound stupid," she said, prefacing what was to come next.  
"I'm sure it won't, sweetheart," Trish soothed. "Tell me."  
"The fire... that was July," she said, "And by the time the anniversary comes around I would like us to be married."  
"Why?" she probed, not quite understanding the correlation.  
"The day of the fires, I could have lost everything," she said tears pricking her eyes. "Both Harm and I have worked very hard in the last five months to try and get our lives sorted and, as you can see..." She waved her ring clad finger around, "...we've come so far."  
"But why June?" Trish asked once more, tears filling her eyes.  
"Because while January 1st is the New Year for everyone else, July 27th is the New Year for us...and before it arrives I want to us to be married and be able to go back to Hemingway Mountain for the anniversary services and I want to be able to walk away with my husband...the love of my life..." she said as quiet tears trickled down. "Does that make sense?"  
"Yes, it does, sweetheart," Trish said, standing and kissing Mac's head.

The last time they had come down the mountain it had been with pain, guilt, regret and the future was unknown. On the anniversary, Mac wanted to be assured of where her life was headed and lay to rest the trauma of the fires, and her past life, once and for all.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: still not mine  
AN: I meant to say thank you for all the comments / thoughts about my great grandfather - much appreciated.

It was this tearful scene Harm encountered when he came in to see how long more dinner would be. Stopping at the door, he watched his mother embracing his fiancée as she remained seated at the table. Mac's head was resting on the older woman's chest as her arms wrapped around his mother's waist.

Not too sure whether he should let them have the moment or interrupt, Harm stood in limbo until his mother looked up at him and winked, reassuring him that all was actually well, despite how things seemed. Slipping back out of the room, Harm figured he'd wait and ask Mac about it later.

That chance came as they took a stroll along the beach after dinner. Mac was unusually quiet and Harm was just waiting for her to open up. It was as they trekked back to the house that Mac decided to speak.

"I'm alright," she said quietly as she linked her arm through his. "Just to ease your mind."  
"I know," he replied, kissing her head.  
"You've been very quiet tonight, Harm," she said, looping his arm around her.  
"You've been quieter," he countered, stopping to sit on a retaining wall.  
"I'm alright," she repeated.  
"What was happening between you and mom?" he asked, pulling her towards him.  
"Girl talk," she said, linking her hands behind her neck and stepping between his legs.  
"Anything I should know?" he questioned as his lips danced across hers.  
"Only that I love you very much," she replied, leaning in to deepen the kiss. "And I'm so happy being with you," she added breathlessly once she pulled back.  
"Makes two of us, gorgeous," he replied, kissing her once more as the sun disappeared below the horizon and dusk enveloped them.

A few days later, Harm had his bag packed, ready to spend a few days over the New Year with Mac at the cottage on Hemingway Mountain. Though Mac already knew this, and had agreed to it, she was feeling rather reluctant about it all. True, she had done a lot of work with McCool and Harm to work through the issues with the fires and she had already booked leave to make sure she was able to return to the mountain for the first anniversary services in July, but right now she was unsure.

Harm's first inclination that his arrangements for the day weren't going to plan was when he had showered, dressed and dropped his bag by the door ready to go and found Mac asleep once more in their bed. Only ten minutes ago they had engaged in a rather long discussion about their plans for the day and Mac being asleep wasn't one of them. Still, he conceded, that there was no rush and he'd rather let her sleep than wake her just for the sake of leaving on time.

After he'd eaten breakfast and read the newspaper, Mac still hadn't appeared and he contemplated going up once more. Making his beloved a marine strength coffee, he turned to leave the kitchen when his mother appeared and took the mug from him.

"I'll take it to Mac," she said, turning to leave.  
"How'd you know it was for Mac?" he asked, watching his mother.  
"I could smell it from the study and there's only one person in this house that drinks it so strong," she said with a smile.  
"I can take it," Harm said, holding out his hand once more.

Trish paused and looked at her son. She wasn't sure if he was aware of Mac's reluctance to take the trip to the cottage today. Harm and Frank had chatted about the growth and renewal of the area last night while Trish had watched Mac and noticed her becoming quieter and more withdrawn as the conversation progressed. By the time the men were talking about the government inquiry into the fires, Mac had excused herself saying she wanted to have a bubble bath before bed but Trish saw the tears in her eyes as she hurried up the stairs.

"Is there something I should know?" Harm asked when his mother hadn't responded.  
"Let me check first," she said and disappeared from view.

Trish found Mac sitting on the window bench seat, her knees drawn to her chest and her head resting on them, turned to take in the stunning views of the Pacific Ocean. Failing to hear Trish knock and enter, Mac was only momentarily startled when Trish's hand touch her shoulder.

"Harm thought you could do with some industrial strength coffee to help you get going this morning," she said, handing Mac the mug.  
"Thanks," she replied, taking the offering. "Mmmm, smells good."  
"Only you would say that," Trish said with a chuckle as she sat down next to Mac's feet. "How are you feeling this morning?"  
"Good, thanks, and yourself," Mac said automatically.  
"I'm very well, Sarah, thanks for asking," Trish replied with a smile. "Now, I'm going to ask you again and I want you to think about your answer, because honestly, sweetheart, I don't believe you."

Mac's brow furrowed and she stared at the older woman.  
"Don't believe what?" she challenged.  
"I don't believe you are feeling good this morning," she said softly. "Now, call it mother's intuition, or the fact you're still in your nightclothes an hour after you were supposed to leave for Hemingway Mountain, or that you were in tears coming up here last night on the pretext of having a bubble bath, but I don't think 'good' is truly what you are feeling. Now, is it?"

Shaking her head, a wry smile crossed Mac's face, not much got by this woman; she'd have to remember that.  
"Where's Harm?" she asked looking towards the door. If anyone was going to interrupt her morning solitude and challenge her about her feelings she thought it would be her husband-to-be.  
"My guess is he is waiting on the stairs," Trish said, tilting her head in that direction. "He made the coffee and was going to bring it up but I said I wanted to do it." At the puzzled look on Mac's face, she continued. "I wasn't sure he was aware of your reluctance to go to the cottage today and I thought you might want to talk about it."  
"I'm not reluctant," she said with a quiet defensive tone.  
"Then what's all this about?" she asked, gesturing around the room.

For several moments Mac stared at the woman in front of her – reluctance wasn't the right word. Sure, she'd rather not go but she wasn't reluctant, she was... she was...  
"I'm reluctant," Mac finally admitted, there was no other word that summed it up. "I'm sure it will be fine but I ah... it's hard to explain but it feels like returning to the scene of the crime."  
"But yesterday you were talking about returning there for the anniversary and being with Harm," Trish said, confused. "What's different between doing that now and in seven months?"  
"Another seven months of counselling," she said with a self - deprecating laugh.  
"If you're not ready to go, just tell Harm, he won't mind, honey," Trish said, patting her arm. "I'm sure the minute I go downstairs he'll be running in to see what's happening?"  
"I am ready," she said, taking a deep breath. "I may just need Harm to hold my hand a little tighter."  
"I'm sure he is more than willing to do that," Trish said with a smile, knowing that her son needed this woman as much as she needed him. "And you know something else, Sarah? I think Harm may need you to hold him just a little tighter when you're there too."  
"Why do you say that?" Mac asked, dropping her feet back to the floor.  
"Did you know his original plan was to propose to you at the cottage?" Trish asked and Mac nodded. "He sees the place as the something to be celebrated - this relationship has grown from the ashes of that inferno and he wants to go back and prove to you and himself that you've both overcome that day. But the mother in me tells me that despite his plans and his words, it will be just as hard for him to be there...to see the devastation, to see your pain, to know it was the place that nearly took you from him..."

Instantly, Mac was on her feet and to the door, flinging it opened she wasn't surprised to find Harm sitting at the top of the stairs. Rapidly, he was on his feet and Mac threw herself at him. Limbs wrapped around torsos as both clung to the other. Mac had been so caught up in what the fire meant to her she had forgotten to think about what it meant to Harm. If he was prepared to face the mountain then so was she; after all, so long as they were together they could face anything.

The drive to Hemingway was a rather subdued one and neither was talkative. For a while they both tried for the sake of it but soon gave in preferring the realistic silence than the forced pretences. As they neared the foot of the mountain, about fifteen minutes from their final destination of the cottage, Mac reached across and rested her hand on Harm's thigh – the same thigh which bore the jagged reminder of their ordeal.

Looking straight ahead and without thought she traced the scar through his blue jeans, tracking its length, curve, and position perfectly and though she hadn't touched it since she had cleaned and dressed the wound five months previous, it was clear that the permanent reminder of that day was as clearly etched in her mind as it was on Harm's leg.

For a while Harm said nothing, just glanced across at her every now and then as he made his way up the mountain. When he looked over and saw Mac looking at his leg and her hand, his heart broke. Tears had welled up in her eyes and her face bore the expression of pure distress. Spying a picnic area up ahead, Harm pulled into the small car park before parking the car and turning to her.

"It doesn't hurt," he said quietly taking her hand and kissing it.  
"I know," she whispered, tears catching her voice.  
"Hop out of the car for a minute," he instructed as he opened his own door.

Making his way to Mac's side, he waited for her to climb out and shut the door for her. Soon she was standing in front of him and wrapping her arms around his waist as he leant back on the car. Harm's hand rubbed circles on her back as he rested his chin on her head.

"What are you thinking right now?" he asked as one hand moved to cradle her head.  
"I'm thinking ..." she started before lifting her head to look at him. "I'm thinking..." Her answer then came in the form of a shrug; she didn't know what she was thinking.  
"What are you feeling?" he asked, changing tact.  
"Good ploy, counsellor, but I don't think that's going to get you an answer either, sorry," she said with a wistful smile. "What about you?"  
"I'm feeling a little hesitant, maybe a little nervous," he admitted honestly. "I was okay about coming up here when I was going to propose ..." he added, lifting her hand and kissing her ring. "But now, without that mission to fulfil, I guess I'm letting myself feel the stress of that day once more and it has me a little worried,"

Little hesitant...little nervous...little worried... Mac smiled, Harm was definitely getting better at admitting his feelings, even if it was a 'little' bit at a time.

"Well, I'm probably feeling a little of those things too," Mac said, hooking her arms around his neck. "We've lived through many trying and difficult times but rarely have we gone back to the place where it has happened."  
"I know," Harm said, kissing her forehead. "That's been more circumstance than arrangement, though."  
"I know, but half of me kind of thinks that if we go back to that cottage then you ... " her voice trailed. Could she really give voice to one of her inner most fears?  
"I'll what?' he questioned, using his finger to raise her face to his. "What do you think I'll do?"  
"You'll remember all the horrible things about that day and then you'll ... well, let's just say you'll think twice about me keeping this ring," she said tearfully.  
"I will never, NEVER, think twice about you having that ring," he said, kissing her finger. "It is yours, forever and ever. I will never think twice about having you as my wife; that's forever and ever too. I can't promise you exactly how I'm going to feel going back to the cottage, but it is not going to change my endless love for you or what I want our future to be."

With a new resolve, Harm and Mac climbed back into the car for the short journey to the cottage. As they drove, both took in the green of the surrounds. The fall rains had inspired new growth and where, on their last descent, the trees were blackened smouldering stumps, now they had new leaves in many shades of green. There was the occasional bird and on the last bend before their destination Harm saw a deer grazing off to the left – all signs that life on the mountain was returning to normal.

Once he parked in the driveway, both sat still for a moment before Mac reached for the door handle and opened it; with a deep breath she was ready to face whatever this place brought. The cottage looked just the same as it had last time they were there, picturesque amongst the trees Mother Nature had provided. Once the mountain had been reopened after the fires, Frank had gone up to collect their belongings and hired a team to thoroughly clean and repaint the property. Additionally, he had invested thousands of dollars in fire proofing the house and in reconstructing the water tank – now, if it was used as a place of refuge it would treat its guests far better with steps and a platform built into the tank.

This time, there was no confusion or debate about bedrooms, they would be sharing the master one and Harm deposited their bags by the cupboard. Meanwhile, Mac brought the cooler and some bags into the kitchen, grateful to Trish for preparing food for them; now they only had to heat and eat. While she was putting things away, she looked through the kitchen window and caught sight of the water tank and froze. While there had been work done on it, it was, in essence, the same tank; the tank that both provided them refuge and nearly claimed Harm's life.

On auto-pilot, Mac unlocked the back door and walked towards it. Soon her fingers were tracing the cool, curved metal of its sides as her heart began to race and her eyes filled with tears. McCool had constantly told her there were always at least two options and it was a matter of choosing the one that was best for you. The option begging to be chosen was that of flight, running from the scene and trying to block it out. However, the option best for Mac was to accept it had happened and tell herself that it was all alright and just breathe. So, she did.

"Thank you," she whispered, leaning forward and kissing the tank. "Thank you." Turning around, she was embarrassed to find Harm standing there. "I was just..."  
"You don't need to explain, gorgeous," he said, walking over to her and wrapping one arm around her waist, leaving his other hand free to run over the metal. "It saved our lives," he said, patting it. "It's the best argument for all homes having water tanks in their yards, especially out here."

The evening was full of little moments of quiet contemplation and the need for the other to just hold them for a little while. After dining on a baked pasta and salad, they both sat entwined on the sofa. The mountain night air was much cooler than it had been in La Jolla and, if this was any other time, Harm would have built a fire in the fireplace and sat back and watched the flames crackle and the wood burn, but not this time; this time, shared body heat and an old quilt would have to do the trick.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: not mine

New Year's Eve dawned overcast and dreary as Mac stirred in the bed. Stretching and yawning, she repositioned herself against Harm's body and sighed deeply before sleep claimed her once more. For his part, Harm kissed her head and held her close. While she had found restful sleep during the night, he had to concede he hadn't really. His mind replaying not only aspects of the fire, but of many of the other volatile situations they had found themselves in over the years.

Picking up her left hand, he ran his thumb over the ring which now adorned it. It was a beautiful symbol of their love and their intended future together; something he had wanted for a long time but seemed to be thwarted until their last visit to this place, something which had set them on their current course. As he entwined his fingers with hers, he thought back to his therapy sessions with Commander Robbins and to the work they were doing together. It hadn't actually struck him until the last session that there was only one key misfortune in his childhood; that being the MIA status of his father – everything else - the commitment issues, obsessions, had sprung from that. Mac, on the other hand, seemed to have been dealt more misfortune than anyone deserved; from her parents being as they were when they were still together, her mother abandoning her, her abusive alcoholic father, her own drinking brought about by the need to drown the pain she was in, the death of her best friend, her early marriage. It was no wonder she was slower in working through the pain and opening herself up to Harm and this relationship.

Now, as they lay in bed, he was moved to tears thinking about everything she had endured, it just wasn't fair. While she had overcome so much, there was still a long road for her. After all, five months of counselling didn't erase the heartache of a life time of pain. As Mac snuggled in closer, Harm wrapped her tightly in his arms, more to comfort himself than her. She was his marine, his very brave, incredibly strong marine. She had achieved so much in her professional life and making huge steps in her personal one. Above all, Mac was learning that she did not always have to be perfect, to be the strong one, that she was allowed to show vulnerability and ask for help. Right now, he loved her more than he ever had in his life...more than he ever thought he was capable of loving someone.

By the time Mac got up to use the bathroom, Harm was asleep and she tried extra hard to ensure she didn't wake him. Looking out of the window, Mac saw the rain falling and the dreariness of the day – it was a perfect day for snuggling in front of an open fire and leaving the rest of the world to themselves. Setting the wood in the fire place, Mac added the paper before grabbing the lighter, igniting it she was momentarily struck by the flame and everything it represented, especially in this environment. Taking a deep breath, Mac lit the fire and smiled to herself – one small step for her, one giant leap forward from that day.

Having prepared scrambled eggs for breakfast, Mac left the mixture in the fridge, preferring to wait for Harm rather than eating alone. Grabbing a book, she curled up in the armchair and read for an hour until Harm appeared at the doorway. Mac was alerted to his presence by the noise he made but he was oblivious to hers due to his fixation on the fireplace.  
"Harm," she called, her voice soft and full of concern. "You okay?"  
"Hi," he said slowly, turning his head to find her. "I'm fine. You lit the fire." It was half question, half statement.  
"I did," she said, climbing from the chair. "Is that okay?" Her arms were wrapped around him quickly.  
"Sure," he said, hugging her to him. "Is it okay with you?"  
"I'm fine with it," she replied with a smile. "It's perfect for a day like today."

Looking to the window, Harm had to agree. Wet, dreary and overcast, just the two of them alone in a cottage with an open fire it was just perfect, especially with the past behind them.  
"Come and let me cook you breakfast," she said, leading him by the hand to the kitchen.

With breakfast done and the dishes washed and put away, Mac headed for the shower and, once dressed, found Harm sitting on the sofa mesmerised by the flames.  
"Anything you want to talk about?" she asked, dropping herself in his lap.  
"Nah, not really," he said, kissing her cheek. "Just thinking."  
"About?" she prompted, raking her fingers through his hair.  
"It's New Year's Eve," he said and she nodded. "And I was just thinking how much better it is than last year's."  
"Yeah, it is," she agreed tilting his head to capture his lips. "How about you go shower and dress because I'd like to take a walk and it looks like the rain's gone for a bit."  
Harm nodded and left.

Aside from their crunching footsteps and the occasional bird, Harm and Mac's walk was in relative silence. Setting out to the north of the cottage, Harm gripped Mac's hand and as she looked at his face she realised he wasn't aware he was holding it so tightly. Rather than call him on it, Mac looped his arm around her shoulders and nestled into him, hoping this would prevent him breaking her hand – it worked.  
"It's beautiful out here," Mac said about twenty minutes into their walk as the rain fell lightly upon them.  
"Huh?" Harm replied, totally distracted.

Mac stopped and looped her arms around his neck before stepping up on a nearby incline and being face to face.  
"What's up?" she asked, pulling him closer.  
Harm's first instinct was to lie. It was the easiest option. It was the most painless option.  
"Truth," she added after watching the emotion flicker across his face.

Harm used his head to gesture to an area a little bit away. There were few trees and long grass and Mac thought she could see the remains of a small gate nearby.  
"That," he said, nodding to the left again. "Was the Morrison's," he said solemnly.

For a moment Mac didn't understand and then it struck her. This was the place where Jack and Mary Morrison and their grandsons, Jake, aged 5 and Luke, aged 8, died. Closing her eyes, Mac leant her head against Harm's and breathed deeply. Neither could contemplate the sheer terror all four must have felt with the fire raging about them. Neither could bear to think of the pain they would have felt as the fire sucked the oxygen out of the air, their lungs burning with each breath. They knew the kids would have gone first, their bodies too little to combat the heat and lack of air. How simply horrific it would have been for Jack and Mary to witness such a ghastly event knowing they wouldn't survive either and, by then, probably not wanting to.  
Tilting her head up slightly, Mac kissed Harm's forehead.  
"I don't think I have ever said 'thank you' to you for what you did for me that day," Mac said tearfully, pulling Harm closer to her.  
"You don't have to thank me, Mac," he whispered, emotion taking his voice.  
"I do," she replied, kissing his cheek. "I am so very, very, very grateful to you for saving my life on that day."  
"I'd do it again in a heartbeat," he replied with a tearful smile.  
"I know you would," she agreed. "You are definitely my hero."  
"No, I'm not," he argued. "I just did what needed to be done."  
"You're still my hero, Harmon," she said, their noses rubbing together. "And I love you so very much."  
"I love you too, Mac," he replied, before kissing her tenderly.

Walking on, the mood was still sombre and Mac knew there wasn't much to be said that would lighten the situation. Still, as they came to lookout area she couldn't help but marvel at the sight before them.  
"There's something I don't get, Mac," Harm said, wrapping his arms around her from behind as they gazed at the valley below. "You were so reluctant to come here... even on the drive up here... but today you seem at ease, maybe even happy to be here. What's changed?"  
"Not too sure," she replied honestly. "I think maybe it's that when I walked into the cottage I realised that it was still standing, we were still standing. When I was thinking about coming here, this place was like a black hole and I thought I'd get here and it would suck me in to those dark days but it's been quite the opposite..."  
"I guess for me it's been the reverse," he admitted, kissing her temple. "I was alright about it til we got here."  
"What changed?" she asked, craning her head to look at him.  
"I guess it was all the 'what ifs'," he said quietly. "I know it all turned out well but I saw that tank and..." His voice trailed off as tears filled his eyes. "I could have lost you, Mac...I don't know what I would have ..."  
Mac spun in his arms and kissed him deeply, letting him know that they she was well and truly alive, and so was he.

Pulling away when air was necessary, Mac caressed Harm's face before kissing his nose.  
"You know what?" she asked as he used his thumb to swipe away her tears. "I think this place is a lot like us..."  
"How do you mean?" he questioned, ignoring his own tears.  
"If you stand here and look at the valley it all looks perfect. The trees are full of green leaves, there's the regrowth of lots of grass and shrubs, there are animals in the area," she explained, stroking his face. "But if you look closely you'll see the scars underneath the canopy of green."  
"You're right," he agreed as Mac turned back to look at the view, it was like them. And just like the healing going on in this environment, they were undergoing their own through therapy, understanding and love.

After their emotionally draining and physically long walk, Harm and Mac enjoyed lunch before curling up together on the sofa listening to a music station on the radio. It was of little surprise to Mac that Harm fell asleep quickly; she'd seen all the signs of little sleep on his behalf from the night before. From her vantage point, Mac was able to cradle Harm's head to her and rake her fingers through his hair, something she found as comforting as he did. Closing her eyes, she listened as Ella Fitzgerald's version of 'What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?' rang through the cottage.

Mac could only smile; This was the first New Year's Eve in forever that she knew exactly who she'd be with, and what they'd be doing and better still it was going to be with the one person she had wanted it to be for a long, long time and the one she wanted forevermore. It was with these happy thoughts that Mac joined Harm in slumber.

Come the bewitching hour, Mac and Harm lay naked, entwined in the sheets of their bed. After celebrating their love twice, Mac was ready for sleep but was fighting fatigue so they could see midnight in together. To occupy herself, she rolled herself on top of Harm and kissed him thoroughly before pulling back and studying him seriously.  
"What?' Harm asked, unsure what her furrowed brow meant.  
"What's your resolution?" she asked, bracing herself on her arms, her hands either side of his shoulders.  
"To spend every waking hour making love with you," Harm said with a cheeky grin and Mac laughed.  
"Seriously," she said, her tone indicating she really wanted to know.  
"In the New Year," Harm started before pressing up and kissing her. "I resolve to love you for better or worse ... to make you my wife... to create a home with you ... to make love with you wherever and whenever possible ... to work through our career options together ... to work through our reproductive options together... to hold you and let you hold me ... and to continue to work on being me, even if it requires continuing therapy."  
"That's a lot of resolutions," Mac said tearfully. "And you normally don't make them," she added remembering a conversation from years ago.  
"I'm making up for it now,' he replied, reaching up to kiss her tears away. "And I mean every one of them. What are yours?"  
"Can I say ditto?" she asked as he rolled them over in the bed. Harm nodded. "Ditto."

As the announcer was counting down from ten on the radio, Harm claimed Mac as his once more; seeing in the New Year with an almighty bang!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: not mine

January was a dream and most of February was too. Wedding plans were a key focus and work wasn't as hectic as it had been over recent months. Deciding to look for a new place for them to share, rather than choosing one of their own apartments, Harm and Mac had engaged a great realtor and within a week had found the perfect house. It was a four bedroom, three bathroom, two storey house in Georgetown. Thanks to the previous owner being a Cadillac enthusiast and wannabe automotive mechanic, the house also had a four car garage with a huge workshop area. Harm had been in love with it before they'd even seen the house. With the house being within their budget and a ninety day settlement, they were due to move into the house the week before the wedding – perfect timing.

Returning to Headquarters after a 72 hour investigation on a Thursday in late February, Mac made her way to General Cresswell's office to report in, after which she would search for her fiancé and reacquaint herself with him, hopefully in a physical manner. Her time with her CO was relatively short and to the point, however, as she was leaving he stopped her.  
"Have you caught up with Rabb?" he asked, rounding his desk and meeting her by his door.  
"Not yet," she said with half a smile.  
"Well, when you find him, take him home," he said, waving his hand. "The man isn't well and shouldn't be here spreading his germs."  
"What's wrong with him?" Mac asked quite concerned, she'd thought he was coming down with a cold when she was leaving but he'd sworn he was fine when she had spoken to him.  
"The flu," he reported. "Came in today looking like death warmed up, I figured it would be easier to confine him to his office and have you take him home than sending him home earlier."  
"Thank you, sir, I'll make sure he's taken care of," she said, turning for the door.  
"I'll see you back here on Monday; I'll see Rabb when he's fit to return. Dismissed," he said.  
"Aye, aye, sir," Mac said with a quick salute before going to find her beloved.

It wasn't hard to locate Harm, he was in his office with the door and the blinds closed. His computer was switched off and he was slumped in his chair, one hand rubbing his throbbing head.  
"Oooh, you're not exactly a picture of health, honey," Mac said, entering his office.  
"Maaac," he croaked. "Feel like crap."  
"You look it too," she said honestly, moving around his desk and kissing his forehead. "And you're running a temperature."  
"I know," he groaned. "I've taken analgesics and stuff but it's getting worse."  
"Well, I'm home now, Harm, and I'll take care of you," she said, grabbing his briefcase and cover with one hand, and helping him up with the other.  
"You okay to walk by yourself?" she asked, knowing he wouldn't want the entire staff seeing him so vulnerable.  
"Yeah," he said with a nod. "You'll be close by though, right?"  
"Definitely."

Taking Harm's keys, Mac let him into the passenger side of the car before opening the trunk and depositing her bag, his briefcase and their covers. Rather than going straight to his place, Mac stopped at his doctor's clinic and took him inside. The diagnosis and prognosis was simple; he had the flu – plenty of fluids, plenty of rest and a good dose of TLC and he'd be as good as new.

Taking Harm's hand, Mac led Harm from the elevator and into his apartment. Dropping their belongings inside the door, she continued on her intended path to his bedroom.  
"Come on, sweetheart," she said, "I'll help you get changed for bed."

Harm tried to protest but when his head spun as he tried to take off his shoes he had to concede that maybe he did need help. As it is when you have the flu, everything ached; not only his joints but all of his bones, muscles, even his skin. Rather than redress him in pyjamas, Mac left him in his boxers and tank before helping him to the bathroom.  
"I've got this," he said with a weak smile as he leant on the bathroom sink.  
Mac just smiled and nodded before returning to the bedroom.

Pulling back the covers, Mac plumped up the pillows and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for him and some more Tylenol. When she returned, Harm was unsteadily making his way around the bed.  
"You okay?" she asked, taking his arm.  
"Did I die and not tell myself?" he groaned as Mac helped him get into bed.  
"No, honey, it's just the flu, you'll be okay," she soothed before kissing his forehead.

After ensuring Harm had had enough to drink and had his tablets, Mac wiped his face with a damp cloth and watched as he snuggled down into his bed.  
"Need anything else?" she asked, propping herself on the bed in front on him and caressing his face.  
"Sit here for a bit," he said weakly; Mac nodded. "I've missed you..."  
Mac smiled and kissed his forehead. "I missed you too." Within minutes he was sound asleep.

Friday saw little improvement in the situation and while Harm was no better, he was not getting any worse, which Mac had to concede was something. After spoon feeding him a clear broth for lunch, Mac sat alongside him in the bed and raked her fingers through his hair.  
"You feeling a bit better now?" she asked, as he sighed deeply.  
"Yeah," he croaked. "Peachy."  
"Oooh, poor thing," Mac said with a smirk. "How about you get some sleep?"  
"That's all I've been doing," he grumbled. "I'm going to get up and..." Harm's efforts got as far as sitting up before the blood rushed away from his head and he fell back into his pillow. "Maybe I'll try again later."  
Mac pulled the covers up around him and caressed his face. "You do that, honey."

Deciding that as she was already in bed it was the perfect time for a nap, Mac climbed under the covers and turned on her side to face him. Reaching across, she rested her hand on his chest and drifted off. Woken thirty minutes later by Harm's movement, Mac stretched out her arms and encouraged him to settle against her. Even though he was mumbling discontentedly and still hot to touch, Mac had to smile; never before had Harm been so accepting of her care and attention when he was unwell.

As he snuggled into her, Mac recalled Harm's last two illnesses in recent years. Both had required time off work, which was unusual for him. Both had seen high temperatures, misery and antibiotics. Both times Mac had tried to be there for him; both times he refused her efforts. This time was totally different.

As she cradled him to her his cell rang and Mac reached across to pick it up from the bedside table.  
"Hey, Trish," she said in hushed tones.  
"Sarah? Hello, dear," she said, "I did call Harm's cell, didn't I?"  
"Yes, you did," Mac confirmed. "Harm's asleep right now and I didn't want the phone to wake him."  
"Asleep in the middle of a Friday?" What's wrong?" she asked quickly.  
"He has a bad dose of the flu," Mac reported and Harm repositioned his head against her breast.  
"Oh, my poor boy," she said sympathetically.  
"It's okay, I'm looking after him," Mac said, rubbing his arm.  
"And he's letting you?" Trish asked in surprise.  
"Yes," Mac replied proudly.  
"Wow," Trish mumbled. "The last time my boy let anyone take care of him when he was ill he was five."

As Mac lay next to the man in question, Trish told Mac how her young son had loved a little TLC from mommy or daddy when he was hurt or ill but how after his father went MIA that all changed. The endearing little boy, who once had curled up on his mommy's lap when he had a boo-boo, then refused to let anyone help or hold him. He became fiercely independent and wouldn't allow himself to rely on anyone else, even his mommy. It had broken her heart. Now, only 37 short years later, he was finally allowing himself to be nurtured and cared for when ill and Trish couldn't have been happier.

By the time the call ended, Mac had tears streaming down her face as she thought about Harm as a broken hearted little boy who had lost his precious daddy. Closing her eyes she saw his young face tear stained with trembling lip as he realised daddy wasn't coming home ever again. She thought about the transformation in him that his mother had described and how he had shut himself off from any meaningful connection at such a young age to avoid the same pain as he had experienced with his dad. Then she thought of the single minded determination which had captured him as a teen sending him on 20 odd year search for his father as he refused to believe the man was dead and how that determination, or obsession, had made him risk everything time and time again. And she thought of how that disconnection from intimacy and bloody mindedness had impacted on every aspect of his adult life.

As Harm moved beside her, Mac placed a tearful kiss on his head.  
"Love...Mac..." he muttered, holding onto her and Mac cried harder.  
He had come so far in seven months, they both had, and while she was very proud of them both, she knew that there was still a way to go.  
"What's wrong?" Harm asked, opening his eyes and seeing Mac's tears.  
Quickly Mac wiped her hand over her face and caressed his face.  
"Nothing, honey, go back to sleep," she whispered before kissing his forehead and snuggling closer.  
"What's wrong?" he asked again, even with his head achy and heavy, he knew what he was seeing wasn't right.  
"I love you so very, very much, honey," she said, stroking his face.  
"And that's making you cry?" he questioned, swiping his thumb over the swell of her cheek.  
"They're good tears," she said, taking his hand and kissing it.  
Thinking about it for a moment, Harm decided that her words did match her eyes, tears aside, and as he was exhausted and not up to thinking much harder about things he nodded.

Recovered and back at work by the following Tuesday, Harm ordered a dozen tulips for Mac, her favourites, as a way of saying thank you for all her love and care over his illness, and because he had vowed to himself a while back that he would take every opportunity to show Mac how much he loved her.

By the following weekend, Mac was feeling off and both conceded she would most likely come down with Harm's flu. Saturday she had felt off, Sunday she had felt terrible and by Monday she was not all that certain she hadn't died and not told her body. She had growing abdominal discomfort and by Monday night she was starting to think it may be appendicitis. Figuring she would leave it until the morning to get a second opinion, Mac cuddled into Harm in bed and held on.

Throughout the night, Harm stayed awake as Mac moaned and groaned in pain anytime she moved. Kissing her forehead several times, he found her temperature to be rising and wondered if he should make some medical arrangements now. In the midst of his contemplation, Mac went to roll over and let out a blood curdling scream which had him wide awake.  
"Mac...Mac...gorgeous, talk to me," he said as he patted her face and found her unresponsive. "Mac?" Mac rolled into him but failed to talk. "Mac, open your eyes," he instructed and eventually they fluttered open for just a little bit.

Realising this was more than the flu, Harm climbed out of bed and grabbed his sweats, entering the bathroom he flicked on the light and was sickened to find his boxers and bottom of his tee-shirt blood stained. Thinking it was him, Harm stripped off and grabbed a wet cloth and cleaned himself but found no cause, which meant only one thing...Mac.  
"Mac, Mac?" he called, switching on the bedside lamp and pulling back the covers. To his horror he found Mac had suffered a significant haemorrhage and the light showed the bloody mess of herself and the bed clothes as well as the grey appearance of her skin.

It took the paramedics an agonising twenty one minutes to arrive and Harm's anguish grew with each passing second. Pulling on his sweats as he waited and grabbing a few of Mac's clothes for her while they loaded her on the gurney, Harm pocketed his cell, wallet and keys and followed them down to the ambulance.

The Bethesda emergency room staff saw Mac very quickly, monitors were attached and observations were taken as Harm sat in a corridor outside with a clipboard, pen and mountain of paperwork. As he got to the last signature, a doctor appeared and sat beside him, Harm drew a deep breath, this had bad written all over it.  
"My name is Commander Eric Watson, I believe you're Colonel Sarah MacKenzie's fiancé," he said quietly, taking back the clipboard.  
"Yes, Commander, I'm Commander Harmon Rabb," he replied. "What's wrong with her? Can I see her?"  
"Is there any chance Sarah is pregnant?" he asked and Harm shook his head before briefly explaining her medical history. "So, you don't know for certain that she isn't?"  
"No," Harm conceded. "Do you think she is?"  
"We're about to do an ultrasound and find out, but my thinking is that Sarah is suffering an ectopic pregnancy," he said, patting Harm's arm. "If that's the case then she'll be taken to surgery."

Fifteen painful minutes later, Harm had his answer. It was an ectopic pregnancy. Mac needed surgery. Mac needed surgery now.

Sitting in the OR waiting room at 0627 on the Tuesday morning, Harm clung to the sweater he'd brought in for Mac. Eyes closed and head leaning on the pristine white wall behind him, Harm prayed and prayed hard. They had come so far, worked so hard, surely the reward would be each other. He couldn't fathom what sort of God would take her from him now. It simply wasn't a possibility.

It was 0810 when somebody resembling a doctor came back through the swinging doors and towards him. Harm was instantly on his feet.  
"She's okay," Dr Michael Reed explained, taking Harm's arm and sitting him down once more. In simple terms he explained the laparoscopic surgery they had just performed, the cleaning up of some of the endometriosis they had found, the blood they had transfused and her current condition. The doctor seemed optimistic that Mac had sustained minimal damaged from the pregnancy and recommended she schedule an appointment with her own OBGYN to reassess her fertility chances and options.

Before Harm had the chance to see her in recovery, his cell buzzed. It was Jennifer Coates stating that Harm and Mac had been declared AWOL by their CO when they hadn't fronted for the usual 0800 briefing. To save himself from having to explain matters twice, Harm asked to be put through to the General urgently.

When his CO's clearly unimpressed voice echoed down the line, Harm steeled himself. In the space of seventy six seconds, Harm rapidly explained the traumatic events of the morning and apologised for not notifying him before now. General Cresswell was very sympathetic and offered any help he could before Harm ended the call and quickly entered the recovery ward.  
"Harmmm," Mac murmured when he caressed her face.  
"I'm right here, gorgeous," he whispered, kissing her forehead.  
"Hurts," she whispered as he took her hand.  
"I know, honey," he replied, kissing her again.  
"Hurts," she repeated as she drifted off to sleep.

Harm closed his eyes: hurt just didn't sum up the intense heartbreak he was experiencing at this very moment.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: not mine

Once in her own room, Harm sat by Mac's bed and watched her intently. Due to her sleeping, she had yet to be told about the cause of her hospitalisation and Harm had fleetingly thought that perhaps they could just tell her it was her appendix and save her the pain and trauma of knowing that, against the odds, she had fallen pregnant but how she'd now lost the baby. As the surgeon appeared in her room, Harm knew that the truth was the only way to go.

"Everything's looking good," Dr Reed said examining the chart. "Has Sarah woken up yet?"  
"Briefly," Harm said, taking hold of her hand.  
"Sarah," the doctor called, moving closer to her bed. "Sarah, open your eyes."  
Slowly, Mac responded and smiled weakly at Harm.  
"Hey, gorgeous," Harm said kissing her hand. "How are you feeling?"  
"Okay," she groaned. "What happened?"  
"Hello, Sarah," Dr Reed said and slowly Mac turned her head towards the voice. "My name is Michael Reed and I operated on you earlier today."  
"Operated?" she questioned as her brow furrowed, "What's wrong ... with me?"  
"Nothing now," the doctor reassured.

In the quietness of the hospital room, the doctor explained to Mac the happenings of the morning and the repercussions, it was all very clinical but the man had a good bedside manner and was very compassionate with them both. He informed Mac that she'd have to stay overnight but would most likely be able to go home the following day and that he had arranged for Commander Erin Hills, Mac's OBGYN, to pay her a visit at some time during the afternoon. He also advised that there were counselling options and all they had to do was ask any nurse to set something up.

When neither Mac nor Harm had any more questions for him, Dr Reed excused himself and left.  
"So," Mac said quietly.  
"So," Harm echoed, holding her hand tighter. When Mac failed to say anything else, Harm caressed her face. "What are you thinking? Feeling?"  
"I lost our baby," she stated tearfully. "I'm so sorry."  
"No need to apologise," Harm replied, kissing her hand. "It wasn't your fault."  
"I lost our baby," she repeated, not really hearing anything but the sound of her own heart breaking. "I was pregnant and I lost it."  
"I know," he soothed, caressing her face. "And I'm so sorry."

Mac's watery, heavy eyes lifted to Harm's and she weakly held out an arm to embrace him.  
"What if that was our only chance?" she whispered as he slid into the small space beside her and held her as best he could.  
"What if it was?" he countered. Previously, he would have offered her a host of platitudes and false hope but this was the new them and he knew this was the first true challenge they were facing.  
Mac had no answer; she had no idea what it would mean to them.  
"We're going to take this one step at a time," Harm said when Mac failed to respond. "The first step is to get you better," he said as he gently kissed her nose. "The second step is to get some advice about what this all means to future options..."  
Mac nodded; it sounded like the way to go...just not yet. Right now, she just wanted to close her eyes and hope this was all just a very bad dream.

When she next opened her eyes, Harriet was sitting in the chair beside the bed whilst Harm slept alongside her. Upon Harm's request, the General had informed Bud, who had in turn informed his wife and she had gotten to Bethesda as soon as she was able to get the twins to school.  
"How are you feeling?" Harriet asked, coming to stand by the bedside.  
"Okay," Mac said slowly.  
"Really?" Harriet questioned gently. She herself had lost two children and while the circumstances were very different, the feelings were never 'okay'.  
"No, not really," Mac said sadly. "But I think it's a little early to try and process everything."  
"It is, sweetie," Harriet said, taking her hand. "Just remember, I'm here for you. Whenever you need to talk or just want some company..."  
"Thanks, Harriet," Mac said with a sleepy smile.  
"Is there anything I can do for you now?" she asked, glancing at Harm.  
"Are you able to stay with me for a bit today?" she asked, and Harriet nodded.  
"I can stay all day, if you like," she replied. Mac smiled appreciatively.  
"Thanks, Harriet. It's just that Harm really needs to go home and get some proper sleep and I know he won't leave if he thinks I'll be by myself," she said quietly.  
"How about I go downstairs to the cafeteria and get some snacks for us and you let Sleeping Beauty know of your wishes?" Harriet said before disappearing.

It was Mac's gentle caresses that brought Harm back to a level of awareness. For a few moments he looked up at her dreamily before realising where they were.  
"What's wrong? What do you need?" he asked quickly as he tried to sit up, causing himself to fall off the bed in the process.  
"Are you okay?" Mac asked peering over the side of the bed as Harm picked himself up.  
"Yeah, yeah," he said quickly, before standing by the bed and holding her hand. "You okay?"  
"I am," she said before lifting his hand and kissing it. "I do want something though..."  
"What is it? Anything..." he said, not giving her a chance to reply.  
"I want you to take a breath," she said gently and he did. "Now, I want you to go home and get some decent sleep, take a shower and eat – in any order you like, and come back and see me this evening."  
"No, I'm fine, I'll stay," he said kissing her head.  
"No, you won't," she said. "Harriet's here; she's just at the cafeteria. She'll stay with me until you get back tonight."  
"Mac..." Harm began to protest.  
"Please..." she interrupted. She was in enough pain and feeling enough guilt without having to look into his sad blue eyes for the entire day. She just couldn't do it. "Besides, if I'm allowed home tomorrow ...I ...ah...well, there's probably... you know."  
Her thoughts were lost on Harm. "I know what?" he asked as Harriet reappeared in the room.  
"I think Mac might need you to clean up things at home," Harriet offered, tilting her head towards Mac to give him a hint.  
"Ohh," he said slowly as the meaning dawned on him. Of course he needed to go home and clean the bed linen and see what state the mattress was in. He figured it may be just as easy to buy everything new and burn the evidence of the morning's trauma.

Tearful kisses and promises were exchanged before Harm finally left, assured that Harriet would call him if he was needed at any time. Returning home, Harm let his tears fall unchecked as he stripped his bed. The stain wasn't as big as he'd expected it to be but still, he couldn't expect Mac to sleep on a mattress stained in such a manner. Dropping the linen in a trash bag, along with his soiled clothes from the morning, Harm tied the handles and threw the bag near the door; he'd toss it out when he left.

Figuring he could call into the Cap'n Snooze bedding store on his way to the hospital, Harm headed to the bathroom and turned on the water and stripped off. Stepping under the water, Harm allowed the hot rivers of water to course over his weary body and closed his eyes; this day couldn't really be happening. Finally, they had things going right and they had worked hard to get it so – so why on earth was this happening to them now?

Clean and dressed in jeans and a sweater, Harm decided food was overrated and instead thought a nap might do him better. Rather than the bed, Harm grabbed Mac's pillow and a blanket from the closet and made himself comfortable on the sofa. Snuggling into the pillow, Harm inhaled deeply, taking in the calming scent of Mac's shampoo and conditioner. He thought sleep would come quickly, he was wrong. It wasn't until he was holding a framed photo of himself and Mac from Christmas at his parents that sleep called. Holding the frame close to his chest, Harm drifted off.

Three hours later his cell buzzed and he was instantly awake and alarmed. It was a wrong number but Harm's heart was beating double time as he disconnected the call. Looking at the clock and knowing what he had to do before he returned to the hospital, Harm called Harriet's cell and was informed that all was well and Mac was asleep. Glad for Mac, but needing to see her to comfort himself, Harm headed out the door to throw out the bag of soiled items and to buy a new mattress.

Meanwhile, Harriet's quiet talking on the phone had been enough to stir Mac and she wearily opened her tired eyes.  
"Wasn't all a bad dream, was it?" Mac asked, using the overhead bar to help her sit up.  
"No, it wasn't," Harriet said gently. "I'm sorry."  
"Me too," she replied with a tearful pout.

Before the conversation could continue, Mac's OBGYN knocked on the door.  
"Hello, Dr Hills," she said as Harriet stood. "This is Harriet Roberts, my good friend. Harriet, Erin Hills my OBGYN."  
After greetings were exchanged, Harriet went to excuse herself but Mac shook her head. Twelve months ago she'd insist on doing something like this alone, now she couldn't fathom being by herself. "You don't need to go, Harriet," Mac said quietly but when it looked like Harriet was still going to leave, she added, "I need you to stay, please."

Nodding, Harriet pulled her chair closer to the bed and sat down, taking Mac's hand in hers as the doctor reviewed the chart.  
"How bad is it?" Mac finally asked, the suspense killing her.  
"I've spoken to Michael Reed and he explained the condition of your uterus, fallopian tubes and general abdominal cavity and it doesn't sound like there's a lot different to the previous tests we had done. Now, obviously an ectopic pregnancy can be traumatic, both physically and emotionally, but we have to take the fact that you actually conceived as a good thing."  
"Can it happen again ... the ectopic part?" Mac asked, squeezing Harriet's hand tighter.  
"It can," the doctor answered honestly. "There is a higher chance of a second ectopic pregnancy once you've had one...but that doesn't mean it will always happen," she added when she saw the panic on Mac's face.  
"Has my 4% chance decreased even more?" she asked tearfully.  
"It's hard to say at this time, Sarah," Dr Hills said, patting her arm. "In a couple of weeks I'll have you come in and we'll do some more tests and see what's happening. In the meanwhile, you are going to need plenty of rest and ..."  
"When can I return to work?" Mac interrupted, she didn't like the idea of spending a long period at home, it would drive her crazy.  
"Dr Reed is giving you two weeks medical leave," she said. "You'll then have an appointment with him for a review and to remove the stitches and if all is well you can return then."  
"Two weeks?" Mac echoed...that was 14 whole days.  
"At a minimum," she reinforced. "Sarah, you have to remember this is a traumatic event for your body, and your heart and mind. Throwing yourself into work won't help you recover. Last time we spoke you were seeing Dr McCool, is that still the case?" Mac nodded. "It might help to have a chat with her sometime next week, if you're up for it." Mac nodded again.

Later that night, Mac was curled up in her hospital bed with Harm, snuggling into him the best she could. Two nurses had strongly suggested that it would be best for Harm to go home as visiting hours were long over, but he refused to leave. He figured that as Mac hadn't asked him to go she wanted him there and that was all it required to keep him in bed with her.  
"Do you think it was a girl or a boy?" she asked quietly as he played with her hair.  
Harm cringed; he didn't want to think about it at all. "Um, a boy," he whispered.  
"Why?" she asked with a deep sigh.  
"It's usually the men in your life that cause you problems," he said, kissing her head.  
"Mmm," Mac replied, not too sure how to reply to that.  
"What were you thinking?" he asked her.  
"A little girl," she said as a tear ran down her cheek.  
"She would have been beautiful, just like her mommy," he whispered, kissing her once more.  
"Like her daddy," Mac corrected burying her head in his chest and crying. All Harm could do was hold her and declare his love over and over again.

Morning came and both had managed several hours of decent sleep before Mac needed the bathroom. No matter how she tried to move to get up she couldn't and she realised she'd have to wake Harm.

Caressing his face and calling his name, Mac soon brought Harm back to a level of awareness. When she told him of her need he sat up and assisted her from the bed. One step was all it took for Mac to realise she wasn't all that steady on her feet.  
"I'll help you," Harm said wrapping an arm around her waist and guiding her across the room to the bathroom. Opening the door, Harm flicked on the light switch before helping Mac to a rail by the toilet bowl. "Have you got it from here?" he asked when he felt her hesitate.  
"Yeah, I'm good, thanks," she said, glad to keep some level of privacy.

Harm slipped out of the bathroom and propped himself on the end of her bed waiting for her signal that she needed him once more. He patiently waited five minutes then stretched that out to ten. When she hadn't called him, he padded back to the door.  
"Everything alright?" Harm asked, leaning his head on the door.  
"Aha," Mac replied, tears very much evident in the two syllables she'd managed.  
"Mac, I'm coming in, okay?" he said, putting his hand on the door handle.  
"No, it's okay," she said quickly. "I'm okay."  
"Mac," he repeated. "Are you in pain?"  
"Not really," she said, her physical pain was manageable, her emotional pain was another thing entirely.  
"Gorgeous, you don't have to do this by yourself," he said, forcing himself to stay outside the door as per her request.  
"What's wrong?" asked a nurse from behind, startling him.  
"I'm not sure," Harm said. "She's been in there nearly fifteen minutes and is quite upset...she doesn't want me to go in."  
"I've got it," said the young nurse and Harm stepped aside. "Sarah, it's Sandra, I'm coming in." Opening the door, she stepped inside before closing the door behind her. "What's happening?"

Mac was sitting on the floor in the corner, her knees raised and her tear stained face resting on them.  
"Sarah, talk to me," she encouraged gently, squatting to try and be eye to eye with her patient.  
"I...um ...when does the pain go away?" she asked tearfully, raising her head.  
"I can get you some more meds or get the doctor to prescribe something stronger, Sarah," she said, taking Mac's hand.

Mac nodded before shaking her head. "What if the pain's not physical?"  
"Then I can get you some help for that too," she said, squeezing Mac's hand. "There's no quick fix though and one of the most important things is that you allow yourself to feel the pain and deal with it. Too many women try to bury it or ignore it and that can be more detrimental than the initial loss."

Mac smiled sadly – that's what she used to do. Hide, deny, suppress, ignore any emotional pain and it got her into a very messed up state. Working with Dr McCool had been extremely difficult but she had learnt some very powerful lessons and one of those was to feel and accept the pain and then deal with it. Fleetingly, she wondered if Harm would be there to accept and deal with the pain too.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Not mine

Later that morning, Mac was discharged and the trip home was quite subdued. While she had spent the majority of her nights at Harm's recently, it was clear he was driving her back to her own place and she had to wonder what it meant.  
After he noticed she'd glanced at him and tried to talk a couple of times, Harm took the lead.  
"The doctor ordered lots of rest for you and I figured you'd be more comfortable in your own bed," he said, reaching across and taking her hand.  
"Oh, okay," she said, understanding his intent but not the situation. After all, he knew she was more than comfortable in his bed, his loft. Quietly, she retracted her hand.  
Realising there was something amiss; Harm pulled over and put the car into park.

Gently, he reached across and picked up her hand once more.  
"Talk," he said, using his thumb to rub circles on the back of her hand. Mac shrugged not knowing how to give voice to her feelings. "Are you unhappy with me?" Harm asked, tilting his head to maintain eye contact with her. Mac shrugged once more. "Mac?"  
"Not really," she said shakily.  
"What's wrong, gorgeous?" he asked when he saw her eyes fill with tears.  
"You're taking me home," she said and Harm nodded.  
"That's what you wanted," he replied. "You asked the nurse four times."  
"I know," she said.  
"So now you don't want to go home?" he questioned becoming confused.  
"I do," she confirmed.  
"And we're going home to your place," he said, not understanding the problem.  
"That's it," she said and Harm had to wonder what 'it' was.  
"Mac, honey, I'm confused," he said, caressing her face. "Can you please explain the problem to me?"  
"Home, for most of the last few months, has been your place...now it's mine...just had to wonder if maybe you didn't..." she said quietly.  
"Sweetheart," Harm interrupted. "Don't even finish that thought. I will always want you in my home...to share a home with you...I'm bringing you here because you'll be more comfortable in your bed."  
"I've been pretty comfortable in your bed," she said with a shy smile.  
"So have I," he confirmed, kissing her cheek. "But right now, my bed doesn't have a mattress. I ordered a new one yesterday and it will be delivered Monday or Tuesday."

Mac's brow furrowed: a new mattress? They hadn't discussed that. Then it dawned on her.  
"Oh, Harm, I'm sorry," she said quickly, squeezing his hand. "I ruined your mattress."  
"It's okay," he said, raking his fingers through her hair. "It wasn't your fault."  
"Let me pay you for it," she said, grabbing her purse.  
"You're not paying for it," Harm said firmly, placing his hand over her purse. "No," he reinforced as she tried to move his hand. "You are not...I repeat NOT paying for a new mattress."  
"I ruined it," she said tearfully. "It's the least I can do. "  
"Mac, the mattress is ten years old, it was on its way out anyway...there were a couple of loose springs and ..." he started before a broad grin spread across his face. "Actually, I think it was all our horizontal activity that ruined it."

Despite everything, Mac managed to smile. She had to concede that perhaps their nocturnal exploits had done more damage than her early morning 'accident'.

By Saturday morning, Mac was feeling restless. Having done nothing since returning from hospital three days earlier, she needed to do something more than veg out on the sofa or nap in bed. Coming from the kitchen, she had to smile at Harm's attempt to dust her archaeological artefacts.  
"Any chance we can go for a short walk?" Mac asked, snaking an arm around his waist.  
"How short a walk?" he asked, turning in her arms.  
"Just a little one...or maybe just a little walk and sit in the park...I just need some fresh air...a change of scenery," she said, throwing in the puppy eyed look for extra effect.  
"What if we go to Langford's for lunch and sit out in their garden area?" Harm suggested. "Best of both worlds."  
Mac nodded happily. Langford's made the best ever roast pork with crackling and even though she hadn't regained her appetite she was sure she could manage that, if nothing else.

Lunch was a great success and Harm smiled every time Mac ate something. Watching her carefully, he'd noticed she'd eaten nearly nothing since recovering from her surgery and he had been quite concerned that her non-eating was emotional, rather than physical. However, watching her enjoy the pork on her plate he was happy; even though he wasn't impressed that she didn't touch the vegetables.

Fresh air, good food, a little physical activity and Mac was exhausted when they returned to her apartment a little after two. Falling asleep on the sofa, after protesting she wasn't all that tired, Mac slept for three and a half hours. Occupying himself with paperwork in his briefcase and some time on the internet, Harm kept one eye on Mac, moving towards her every time her movement caused her to moan in pain. When he'd realised she was still asleep, he would return to whatever he was doing, his focus still on her though.

After hitting Google and visiting ten different sites on ectopic pregnancies, Harm found a forum which was more support than medical. Creating the pseudonym 'cammarh', their names together spelt backwards, Harm signed up and posted the question which had been on his mind since the trauma of Tuesday; 'What can I do to help take away the pain I see in my fianceé's eyes caused by our ectopic pregnancy this week?' Hitting 'post' Harm sat back and took a deep breath; he knew there was no quick or easy fix, no simple answers, no magic wand but right now he'd give anything for someone to tell him how he could help Mac...and himself.

Not expecting answers quickly, Harm added the site to favourites before shutting down his laptop as Mac stirred once more. Realising she was waking this time, Harm was quickly by her side, caressing her face as she burst into tears.  
"Sssh, sssh, sssh," he soothed, kneeling down and trying to comfort her. "Mac, honey, ssh. What is it?"

Anything Mac wanted to say was lost in heartbreaking sobs as she pulled Harm to her and held on for dear life. For all Harm's caresses and kisses, Mac found it hard to calm herself and the problems caused by not getting enough oxygen was making matters worse.  
"Mac, come on, honey, please?" Harm begged, his face wet with his own tears. "You're going to make yourself sick, please stop. You have to breathe, gorgeous, please...breathe for me."

Soon Mac was breathing in short sharp breaths as Harm held her close and rubbed her back.  
"That's it," he soothed. "Just breathe...that's it...ssssh."

Seventeen painful minutes later, Mac was composed enough to allow Harm to shift from his kneeling position to sitting beside her so she could curl up with him. Brushing the hair from her damp face, Harm kissed her head and pulled her against him, muttering as many soothing words and sounds as he could think of.  
"You're okay, honey," he soothed as she slumped against him exhausted. "You're doing okay."  
"I'm okay," Mac finally managed and Harm allowed himself to breath.  
"Yeah, you're okay," he said, closing his eyes as he rested his head against hers.

For a while they let the silence wash over them as both tried to regroup. Eventually, Mac broke the silence.  
"Sorry," she whispered, playing with the collar of his tee. "I know you didn't sign up for 'psycho mess'."  
Harm kissed her head. "I don't think you're a psycho mess," he said kissing her once more. "I think you are devastated by the ectopic pregnancy and all it means and you have every right to be."  
"I should be able to keep it together better," she protested, pulling on his shirt.  
"Why should you?" he countered.  
"I'm a marine," she said defiantly. "I should..."  
"You're also a woman," he said gently.  
"A woman who can't have a baby...doesn't make me much of a woman..." she said as tears fell once more.  
"Mac," he whispered, before kissing her head and trying to buy himself some time. "You are the most amazing woman I know..."  
"Who can't have a baby," she interrupted dropping her head against his chest.  
"You don't know that, gorgeous," he said gently.  
"I do," she said defiantly. "I couldn't have this baby."  
"No, you couldn't," he agreed, after all, there was no other reply. "But these things happen..."  
"Yeah, to me," she grumbled.  
"To us," he corrected and his tone caused Mac to finally look up at him, "It may have been your body, Mac, but this happened to us...we made this baby and we lost this baby..."  
"Sorry," she said as her lower lip trembled.  
"So am I," he replied, kissing her tenderly. "But that doesn't mean we won't ever have a baby. Just that this one wasn't meant to be."

Mac nodded and slumped against him, her eyes closed. When did life get so damned hard?

By Sunday evening Mac seemed in better spirits and, although he was still reluctant, Harm returned to work on Monday morning. Several check in calls were made through the day but it was uneventful. Tuesday was pretty much the same. Wednesday, Mac awoke while Harm was showering for the day. As she lay there, curled into their pillows, her mind drifted back to the dream she'd just experienced. It had been a beautiful and happy dream; Harm, Mac and their little girl, Hannah, who was the image of her father,were at a huge playground. Being the only ones there, they were able to run, climb and slide on whatever they wanted. It had all been laughs and smiles; an ordinary family having an extraordinary day of fun. That was, of course, until Mac awoke and realised the painful reality – there was no little girl, not anymore, and that thought broke her heart.

With tears flowing freely and sobs muffled by her pillow, Mac pulled the covers up and tried to hide herself from Harm. Hearing the bathroom door open, she tried to control her breathing and stayed as still as possible. For a while, Harm's attention was on dressing but then he caught the reflection of the lump under the covers in the mirror.

Turning around, he watched as the quilt covered lump shook and shuddered intermittently. Padding around the bed, Harm tried to get a look at Mac's face without touching the quilt but it was a futile task.

Reaching across, he gently peeled the covers back and revealed enough of Mac's face to realise she was in distress. With her eyes still shut but her breathing erratic, Harm didn't know whether she was playing possum or asleep and having a bad dream. Quickly conceding it didn't matter as either way she was upset, Harm ran his fingers through her hair and leant over to kiss her head.  
"Mac, honey, are you okay?" he asked, rubbing her back. "Mac?"  
She didn't respond.  
"Come on, honey, can you look at me?" he asked, not too sure if she was still sleeping. Gently he shook her. "Mac?"

To play the part, Mac 'awoke' as startled as she could muster.  
"Oh, oh, Harm, what's wrong?" she asked, looking up at him.  
"Nothing's wrong with me, gorgeous, but you seem quite upset," he said gently, sitting on the bed facing her.  
Mac scrunched her face up in thought. "Bad dream," she stated as she sat up.  
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly.  
'Don't really remember it," she lied, slumping into him and relishing the warmth and comfort his presence brought her.  
"You're still trembling," he whispered as he kissed her head.  
"I'm okay," she said, closing her eyes and willing her tears away; she just had to pull herself together until he left for work.  
"I'd give anything to be able to stay home and hold you all day," Harm said, reluctant to let her go and prepare for work.  
"I'd give anything for that too," Mac agreed, and she genuinely would.  
"But I have a meeting I really can't afford to change," he said sadly.  
"It's okay," she said, pulling back slightly. "It was only a dream and as much as I would like you to stay with me, I don't need you too. I'll be fine."

And fine she was, for a while. After Harm had gone to work, and Mac had eaten breakfast and showered, she sat on the sofa with the remote. While the dream was still crystal clear in her heart and mind, she had pushed it aside and tried to get on with things. Flicking on the television, she watched a segment of the news before they went to a commercial...a commercial which starred the most gorgeous two year old girl with curly brown hair advertising some new toy. Mac's heart nearly stopped – the child was nearly a match for the one in her dreams. Quickly she turned the television off as tears cascaded down her cheeks.

Realising she may need a little more help in dealing with her emotions than she thought, Mac grabbed her cell and called Commander McCool's office, hoping to speak to the doctor herself. After being told the doctor was with a patient but would be able to call Mac at the end of the consultation, Mac hung up feeling a little better. That lasted until the doctor actually called her and the pain and misery of all her thoughts spilt out in a rambling, tearful mess. First, there was the emotional pain of the ectopic pregnancy, then there was the pain at what it meant for the future, about lost opportunities, about losing hope. Next came the hurting caused by the dream and how it had all seemed so real and the deep sting when she realised it was all a dream...

Dr McCool listened intently and tried to piece together all Mac's tearful ramblings into some cohesive story. Trying to advise Mac to breathe and try and relax, she was highly concerned when the line went dead. Technically, the disconnection wasn't Mac's fault, her cell battery had died and she dropped the cell to the sofa. Deciding she needed to clear head, pull herself together, and show the world she was made of sterner stuff, Mac pulled on her trainers. As she did the home phone rang and she answered it; it was Dr McCool.

Not wanting to be a basket case anymore, Mac politely thanked Dr McCool for her concern and apologised for her tearful breakdown before agreeing to arrange an in clinic appointment and disconnecting, leaving Dr McCool uneasy as to Mac's complete change in mood in the space of six minutes.

Wanting to be in control of herself and get out of the haze she was living in, Mac decided to visit Harriet's, hoping that some girl talk would help her, grabbing the house keys and some cash, Mac went downstairs and hailed a cab. Meanwhile, Dr McCool, concerned with the state Mac was in, called Harm's cell but could only leave a message. When Harm had finished his meeting and had checked his phone, he was alarmed with the message he heard and the urgency at which Dr McCool had insisted he return her call.

His alarm escalated dramatically after speaking to the doctor herself and immediately upon disconnecting that call he called Mac's cell but got the 'turned off /not in range' message. Dialling the home phone number, Harm's hand was shaking; such was his anxiety over the situation he found himself. When she didn't pick up he spoke to her, knowing she would hear him if she was anywhere nearby.

"Mac, pick up the phone...please, Mac...talk to me," he said, trying to keep his voice even. "Gorgeous, I just need to know you're alright...Dr McCool called me...Mac?"

Realising he wasn't going to get a response, Harm presented himself to his CO, explained the situation and was given permission to secure for the day and left with Cresswell's concern and best wishes.

The dash to Mac's apartment was the longest in his life. After breaking all sorts of road laws, Harm haphazardly parked his car in a bay at the front of Mac's building and raced up the stairs three at a time. By the time he got to the door his heart was threatening to burst through his chest and his breathing was severely laboured. Pressing one hand against the wall as he leant on it, Harm tried to compose himself. The last thing Mac needed was for him to burst into the apartment in the state he was in.

Counting down from ten, Harm drew in deep breaths and calmed himself. When composed, he unlocked the door and entered. A quick scan showed Mac wasn't to be seen, running through the living room, he checked the bedroom, bathroom and then the kitchen; his heart pounding once more as he did.  
"Mac?" he called out, giving up on the calm approach. "Mac! Where the hell are you?"

Coming back into the living room, Harm scanned the room once more before trying her cell and getting the same message. Taking a more detailed look around the place he tried to calm his nerves and figure out where she'd gone and in what state she was in when she had done it. Seeing her purse, car keys and cell sitting on or by the armchair Harm was even more concerned. She hadn't taken anything with her, she'd just walked out. Was she taking a walk or run? Had she runaway? Had things become too much? Had...had...he couldn't think beyond that point.

Meanwhile, Mac was sitting in the living room with Harriet at the Roberts', both with big mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows and a plate of triple choc cookies – Harriet's favourite comfort food combo. The conversation was light and while Harriet knew her friend had a lot on her mind, she didn't push it. One of the benefits of a good friend when you are down is that they don't expect you to be full of fun and energy. Additionally, the bonus with Harriet's comfort food combo is that it lives up to it's comforting name and not long after the mug was drained, Mac was slumped in the corner of the sofa sound asleep.

Smiling to herself, Harriet picked up a throw rug and covered her friend before collecting the empty plates and mugs and heading to the kitchen. Checking the time, Harriet decided to call Bud to see how his day was going and was surprised to learn of Harm's abrupt departure from work about an hour earlier.. While Bud didn't know the details, it didn't take a genius to realise it would have been about Mac. Disconnecting the call to her husband, Harriet quickly phone Harm's cell and found him at his loft, his search for Mac having taken him there...just in case.  
"Harm, Mac's with me," she said quietly, peering into the living room to check on the woman in question. "And she's fine."  
"She's what? Really?" he said stopping dead in his tracks. "She's with you?"  
"She is and has been so for nearly an hour," Harriet reported.  
"And she's alright?" Harm checked, leaning on the back of the armchair and allowing himself to breathe. He would never admit it to Mac but he was thinking all sorts of things; none of them nice.  
"She's asleep at the moment," she said, "She was a little teary when she got here but we've had a chat, some hot chocolate and cookies and she fell asleep. Bud said you left in a hurry."  
"Dr McCool called me concerned about Mac's state of mind and I couldn't contact her..." Harm said, grabbing his keys once more and heading back out the door. "I raced home and...well, you can imagine how I felt not finding her there..."  
"Come on over and see for yourself," Harriet said, knowing he wouldn't relax until he had seen her for himself.  
"I'm already on my way."


	12. Chapter 12

disclaimer: not mine

Due to the adrenalin of the morning and the fact she was still weakened by the surgery, Mac was sleeping soundly when Harm arrived twenty five minutes later. Ushered into the living room by Harriet, Harm watched Mac for a few minutes.  
"She's really okay, Harm," Harriet said, rubbing his back. "I promise."

Not wanting to wake her, Harm just nodded before following Harriet into the kitchen.  
"What would you like for lunch?" Harriet asked. "And I'm not taking 'nothing' for an answer."  
With Harm not really thinking about food at all, Harriet made him two salad sandwiches and poured him a glass of juice. Sitting next to him with her own lunch, Harriet patted his arm.  
"I'm so sorry I didn't realise earlier that you were looking for Mac, you must have been frantic," she said quietly.  
"Would have been better for my nerves, but it's not your fault," he replied with a quick smile.  
'Can I get you something else?" Harriet asked when Harm had made no attempt to eat.  
"No, thanks, Harriet," he said, picking up half a sandwich. "This is fine...I guess I'm just a little preoccupied."  
"Anything you want to talk about?" she said, glancing at the doorway.

Harm looked at Harriet, his eyes glistening with tears; he took a deep breath and then shrugged.  
"Harm, come on," she said gently, "Let me help you...help both of you..."  
"How do I help her?" he whispered hoarsely. "I just don't...can't...she seems so sad every time she looks at me..."  
"Maybe she's just reflecting the sadness she sees in your eyes," Harriet said, taking his hand in hers.  
"Can't help it...I look at her and my heart breaks...she's been through so much in her life ... she doesn't deserve this," he said, biting down on his lower lip, his head down.  
"No, she doesn't," she agreed. "No one deserves it."  
Harm's head shot up. "Oh, Harriet, I didn't mean to imply anyone did...just that..."  
"I know, I know," she said squeezing his hand. "I didn't take it personally. Just so you know though, Mac's doing okay. She told me she had a bad morning and was really upset but, in the whole scheme of things, she's doing okay."

After a short silence, Harm looked at Harriet. "I'm not," he admitted quietly. "You know, I went online and asked how I can help her and got various advice including holding her, giving her space, talking to her, allowing silence, talking to her about it, waiting for her to talk to me...by the end I was even more confused...and it was all about her...and I know it should be...but that morning..." Harm's voice trailed as he shook his head.  
"Keep going," Harriet soothed, knowing he needed someone to talk this through with.  
"There was so much blood, Harriet, and she wouldn't wake up...and ...and..." he stammered as his tears rolled down his cheeks. "I could save her from the fires but I thought I'd lost her in my own bed."

Harriet stood and hugged him to her, caressing his head as she tried to pull herself together, imagining the horror he must have felt finding Mac in the state she was in.

Twenty minutes later there was stirring from the living room and Harm made his way across to his soon-to-be wife. Caressing her face, Harm crouched down by the sofa and watched as Mac's eyes fluttered opened.  
"Hey, gorgeous," he whispered, fighting his emotions.  
"Hey, Harm," she said with a smile. "Did I fall asleep?"  
"Yeah," he said, raking his fingers through her hair. "How are you feeling?"  
"Sleepy," she said with a smile.  
Harm reached over and kissed her nose. "Ready for me to take you home?"  
"Where am I?" she asked before a quick look over his shoulder revealed the truth. "Oh, yeah." And then it dawned on her. "Why are you here? It's only 1420."

Trying to save Harm from more pain than he was already experiencing, Harriet came in.  
"I called him," she said, bringing some lunch in for Mac. "And he came over and had lunch with me while you slept; now it's your turn."  
"Great, I'm feeling hungry," she said as Harm helped her sit up. "Sorry, I wasn't awake to join you."  
"That's alright," Harm said, sitting alongside her. "Harriet was good company," he added, throwing her a grateful smile.

Later that evening, Harm and Mac were curled up on her sofa, covered with a blanket and watching a space documentary. Interested in the doco but feeling weary, Harm kept drifting off as Mac sighed contentedly against his chest. Concerned about her fiancé since she opened her eyes at the Roberts' that afternoon, Mac had tried to steer the conversation towards him and his feelings all evening but it hadn't been that successful. Still, she hadn't given up altogether, just waiting for the right opportunity.

That opportunity came an hour later when his mother called from Quebec.  
"How's Canada treating you?" he asked, rubbing Mac's back through the blanket.  
"Just wonderful, Harm," Trish enthused. "It's been fabulous seeing Monica again," she said, speaking of her college friend, now resident in Quebec, a friend she hadn't seen in nearly two decades. Frank had business in Quebec and Trish tagged along, not wanting to miss the opportunity to catch up with her dear friend. It had been ten great days of friends, fun, fine food and sightseeing for Trish and she was in her element. Now, they were due to fly home and had taken the opportunity to call Harm, something she had neglected during her time in Canada.

"So, how are things with you and Sarah?" she asked, after relaying all her information.  
"Okay," he said, his heart beating a little faster.  
"Harmon?" Trish questioned. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing's wrong," he replied quickly.  
"Tell her," Mac whispered, one hand rubbing his chest. "Tell her."  
"Tell me what?" Trish said, anxiously. "Harm, what's going on?"  
"Um...well, last week," he started hesitantly. "Last week, Mac and I had a bit of a problem...actually, it wasn't a bit of a problem...it was a...a..."  
"Just tell her, sweetheart," Mac said sitting up. "Would it be easier if I went into the bedroom?" Harm didn't reply so Mac got up and kissed his head before leaving him to speak to his mother.  
"Harmon, you are worrying me. What happened?" she asked. "Did you have a fight? Did you break up? Did you postpone the wedding? Did you..."  
"Mac had an ectopic pregnancy..." he blurted out. "And I thought she was dead in our bed."

Less than twelve hours later, Trish and Frank we're in DC knocking at Mac's door unannounced.

With Harm at work due to Mac's insistence at some sort of normality, Mac opened the door and was loving embraced by her future parents-in-law. Over the lunch Frank went out to collect from a nearby deli, Mac explained the details Harm may have left out and truthfully told them that while she was doing okay, she wasn't all that sure about Harm.

On Trish's instruction, Mac called Harm at work to find out what time she should expect him but didn't let on that his parents were there. Upon hearing it would be after six, Trish sent Mac to bed while she organised their dinner and while Mac wasn't all that tired, she realised many naps and good eating were going to be the keys to a full recovery.

With Mac in bed, Trish decided on a menu for the evening before dispatching Frank to pick up supplies. Once Frank departed, Trish set about cleaning the apartment thoroughly, doing all but Mac's bedroom and the bathroom as that would have entailed entering the bedroom and she didn't want to wake her. Knowing she couldn't vacuum, Trish used a dustpan and brush on the floors and mopped the kitchen floor.

By the time Harm returned the apartment was filled with the delicious aroma of his mother's spaghetti marinara. Unlocking the door and letting himself in, he found Frank asleep in the armchair, the daily newspaper spread over his chest. Heading straight to the kitchen, he found his mother peeking into the oven to check on the garlic bread.  
"Hey, mom," he said quietly, crossing the room to her. "I didn't expect to see you here."  
"Where did you expect me to be, dear?" she asked embracing her son.  
"On your way home to La Jolla," he replied, holding her a little longer than usual.  
"After yesterday's news? I don't think so," she said with a small laugh. "And before you protest you only said us coming wasn't necessary, you didn't say not too."  
Harm smiled; his mother had a point.  
"I'm glad you're here," he said, hugging her once more. "Where's Mac?"  
"Asleep," Trish said as she looked at her watch. "But dinner's ready and I did say I would wake her for it, so perhaps you'd like to wash up and wake her gently."  
"Yes, ma'am," he said, it would be his pleasure.

Opening the bedroom door, he watched as Mac's eyes opened and tried to focus.  
"Harm?" she said, rubbing her eyes. "Is it that time already?"  
"It is, gorgeous," he replied, moving over to sit on the bed in front of her. "Hello," he whispered, kissing her gently.  
"Hello," she replied, pushing up for another kiss.  
"Your parents are here," she said and Harm smiled.  
"Yes, I know, I saw them," he said, smoothing down her hair. "Dinner's ready."  
"Great," she enthused. "I love your mom's cooking.

Five minutes later, when Harm had changed and washed up, they sat around the dining table as Trish dished up huge steaming bowls of her famous spaghetti marinara.  
"Smells wonderful, Trish," Mac said, inhaling deeply.  
"It's one of Harm's favourites," she said, glad to at least be able to provide a little TLC for her boy.  
"You spoil us, mom," he said, picking up his fork.  
"You deserve spoiling," she said as she passed by them both, kissing his head as she did.  
Harm smiled at his mom gratefully and Mac reached across and squeezed his thigh. Maybe things were starting to look up.

After dinner, the conversation was light and breezy. Frank and Trish were seated on the sofa while Harm sat in the armchair and Mac sat on his lap, curled into him. They talked about the wedding plans, the honeymoon, the new house they were buying– all the positive things which were happening in their lives. When Harm yawned once too often for his mother's liking she stood up and announced it was time she and Frank got going to their hotel so they could all get a good night's sleep.

The following day, Harm went to work, Frank made use of his time in the country's capital to renew a few business contacts and Trish and Mac pottered around the apartment. Nearing lunchtime, Mac suggested they go to Langford's for lunch and Trish readily agreed. After a delightful lunch, Mac fell quiet over coffee and Trish thought maybe the walk and the food had all been a bit too much.  
"No, no," Mac reassured her when she voiced her concern. "I was thinking."  
"Anything I can help you with?" Trish asked, putting down her cup.  
"Um...I want to ask you a favour but I don't know if it's appropriate," Mac finally said.  
"Sweetheart," Trish said, reaching for Mac's hand. "Please ask."  
"A couple of weeks ago I found the perfect wedding dress and ... well, I figured I was alright doing this without a mom, god knows, I've lived most of my life without a positive mom influence...but I looked at the dress and thought of you...and ..." her voice trailed as she lost track of what she was trying to say.  
"Are you saying you'd like me to come and look at the dress with you?" Trish asked hopefully.  
"Yes, I am," Mac said quickly. "I'm just not as articulate as you."  
"I'd be honoured, Sarah," Trish said squeezing Mac's hand. "Very honoured."

Standing in the middle of Maxim's Gowns, Trish was in tears the moment Mac picked the dress she wanted from the rail. It was a simple, elegant gown which would show off Mac's figure beautifully.  
"You like it?" Mac asked, seeing her mother-in-law –to-be's tears.  
"It's gorgeous, Sarah," she said. "Just perfect for you."  
"Would you like to try it on, ma'am?" the sales associate asked.  
Mac looked to Trish and Trish nodded.  
"I would," Mac replied.

While Trish sat in the change room lounge, Mac disappeared into the large change room and stripped off. As she did she caught sight of the dressings on her stomach and stopped. Was now the time to be thinking of wedding dresses?  
"Ma'am," said the sales associate when Mac had been in there ten minutes. "Do you need some help?"  
"I'll be out in a minute," Mac said taking a deep breath.

Slipping the dress on, Mac pulled up the zipper as high as she could manage before standing in front of the mirror. This dress was perfect. Pulling the curtain back she walked out and stood on the box provided as Trish stood.  
"You look amazing, Sarah," she said, wiping at her eyes. "It is such a beautiful dress..."

Walking around Mac, Trish inspected it closely while smoothing it down in places and helping it settle properly. After ensuring the dress was perfect, she finally looked up at Mac's face.  
"What do you think, sweetheart?" she asked.  
"I love it," Mac said confidently. "I really love it."  
"Does that mean you are going to take it?" the associate asked.  
"Yes," Mac and Trish answered in unison. "Can I leave a deposit on it today?" Mac added.

Returning to the change room, Mac carefully pulled off the dress before handing it to the waiting associate. Pulling on her jeans, Mac was once more caught up with her surgery wounds. Meanwhile, Trish had handed over her credit card to the associate and asked her to put the full charge on it.  
If Mac wanted this dress then she would have it.

With the transaction finalised, Trish waited for the dress to be encased in the gown bag. Realising Mac had been a while; she walked over to the change room and pulled back the curtain slightly. Catching sight of Mac sitting on the small velvet stool looking at herself in the mirror with one hand on her stomach and tears streaming down her cheeks, Trish knew exactly what the younger woman was thinking.  
"You, my sweet Sarah, will make the most amazing bride," she said, brushing away Mac's tears. "And you will also make the most amazing mom when the time's right," she added, kissing her head.

Looking up, Mac could only manage two words. "It hurts."  
Knowing it was emotional pain Mac was referring to; Trish quickly embraced her and held her close. "I know, honey, I know."


	13. Chapter 13

disclaimer: not mine

It was in the closet of the spare room that Trish hung Mac's dress, making sure it was clear of other items and would be perfectly safe.  
"I still can't believe you bought it for me," Mac said shaking her head. "It so wasn't necessary."  
"I know it wasn't," Trish said, closing the door. "But you wanted me there as a mom and I wanted to do it for my daughter."  
"Thank you," Mac said tearfully; so glad she was getting a mom in all of this...ecstatic it was this particular mom.  
"You don't need to keep thanking me, Sarah," she said, embracing her. "Now, I think a nap is in order, it's been a very big day."  
"I'm not all that tired," Mac said, still riding the wedding dress high.  
"You might not be, dear, but I am," Trish said with a laugh. "I'm not as young as I used to be."

Squaring his things away for the day as early as he could, Harm was in the door a little before five, just after Frank had come in.  
"Ssh," Frank whispered, pointing to Trish asleep on the sofa as he ushered Harm in. "Mac's asleep in bed."  
"How is she?" Harm asked, dropping his briefcase and cover by the dresser.  
"I don't know, I've just got in myself," he replied. "Why don't you go see?"

Making his way into the bedroom, Harm found Mac still asleep. Stripping off his uniform, Harm picked up his sweats from the chair.  
"Prefer you stripped," Mac said as she rolled over to watch him.  
"Prefer you stripped too," he replied, tossing the sweats on the end of the bed before crawling in alongside Mac. "Hello, gorgeous," he said before brushing his lips against hers.  
"Hello, yourself," Mac replied, kissing him back.  
"How was your day?" he asked as she snuggled into him, resting her head on his chest.  
"Good," she replied. "Took your mom to Langford's for lunch..."  
"Let me guess, you had the roast pork," he interjected.  
Mac laughed. "How did you guess? Anyway, we had a lovely lunch and then did a bit of shopping..."  
"Shopping?" he questioned, kissing her head. "Buy me something nice?"  
"Nope," Mac replied. "Bought me something nice," she said grinning. "Actually, your mom bought it for me."  
"That was good of her, what did she buy you?" Harm asked, closing his eyes and relishing in the warmth of Mac in his arms.  
"My wedding dress," Mac said and Harm's eyes popped open.  
"She bought you your wedding dress?" he questioned and Mac nodded. "Was it the one you wanted because my mom can go over the top at times and ..."  
"It was definitely the dress I wanted," Mac said quickly, rolling over to caress his face. "I wanted your mom's opinion on it and when I was dressing again, she saw the associate and paid for it."  
"Wow," said Harm. "I told you she loved you like a daughter already."  
"I know you did," she replied, settling against him once more. "Is it okay if I love her like a mom?"  
"Definitely," he answered with a smile. "You can even call her mom, if you like."

Mac smiled to herself; that would be nice...to have someone to call mom, someone who loved her and wanted the best for her...and she would call Trish mom one day, when it felt right.

By Sunday, Trish and Frank had left for home, promising to drop everything and come back to DC if either Mac or Harm needed it. Mac had her follow up appointment with Commander Reed scheduled for the following Tuesday and Harm had made arrangements to be there. She would follow up that appointment with one with Dr McCool and had asked Harm to attend that one with her too. All being well, she'd be back at work Wednesday which suited her just fine as it would allow her to ease herself into it rather than being hit with a full week and a lot of catch up.

Commander Reed asked a lot of questions, removed the stitches and declared Mac fit to resume work if she was still wanting to once she'd finished her appointment with Dr McCool. An understanding man, he was well aware that the physical impact of surgeries, such as Mac's, were often of less consequence to the patient's wellbeing than was the psychological impact. Rarely did he allow a woman to return to work without them taking up some sort of counselling option.

The visit with Dr McCool was also a fairly positive one. It was the first time since the surgery that Harm truly believed Mac was doing as well as she had promised him she was. While she was tearful at times when talking about the loss they had experienced, she also related that it had strengthened her resolve to become a mother and to look at their options sooner rather than later. It had also allowed her to open up to others, namely Harriet and Trish and gain a sense of support she hadn't experienced in her adult life.

For Harm's part, he admitted that he didn't think he was doing as well with it all as Mac was; that while he shared Mac's vision of looking into options and ensuring they meet their destiny as parents, he was still struggling with the trauma of the day. It took a few practised questions from Dr McCool to get to the real problem. It wasn't the loss of the baby which had traumatised him, it was his belief, even if for a split second, that Mac had bled out and was dead or dying in his bed.

At that disclosure, Mac's tears fell and she stood up from her chair and went to Harm. "Do you know how much I love you?" she whispered as she held him to her. "And how very sorry I am I gave you such a fright?" Harm nodded against her breast. "And while I can't foresee the future, I promise to try and never scare you like that again."

An early dinner and an early night saw Harm and Mac curled up in bed chatting about the events of the day, the wedding, her return to work, and the possibility of them getting away for a weekend or two in the coming month just to concentrate on them and their recovery.

By midday Friday, Mac was at her desk feeling the effects of two and a half days work and no afternoon naps. Yawning for the third time in two minutes, Mac tried to focus on her computer to no avail. Her mind, and eyes, drifted to the bullpen and then in the direction of Harm's office. She hadn't seen him all day and was missing him a bit more than usual.  
"A penny for your thoughts?" Sturgis asked, poking his head in.  
"Hey, Sturgis," Mac said with a smile. "Don't think they're worth that much. Come on in."  
Sturgis sat across from Mac and smiled. "How are you doing? You're looking a little tired."  
"I'm doing okay," she replied. "I can't believe sitting here for a couple of hours can exhaust me but it does," she admitted before her eyes drifted towards Harm's office once more.  
"When's he due back?" Sturgis asked knowing full well where Mac's attention was.  
"Later tonight," she answered with a sigh.

Harm had only been absent sixteen hours having been sent to Andrews the night before to investigate an assault on a major. The major was insisting it was a corporal he had reprimanded earlier that day, however, the corporal in question had a great alibi; he was doing extra PT with the instructor as punishment for turning up late.  
"Have you got much to do here?" he asked, gesturing towards her desk.  
"No," she replied. "Not really."  
"Then why don't you call it a day and go home," he suggested.  
"I got a ride in with Bud," she said, her car playing up on her that morning.  
"Well, I have a meeting soon and it's out past your way, I could drop you off," he offered, getting to his feet.

Mac thanked him for his concern but decided she could tough out another few hours and Sturgis went on his way. Not five minutes later the General appeared at her door.  
"All caught up," he said startling her. Mac jumped to her feet as he tried to wave off the gesture.  
"Nearly, sir," Mac replied standing to attention.  
"Sit, sit," he replied, pointing to her chair.  
"Is there anything that can't wait until Monday?" he asked and Mac shook her head. "Then I give you permission to secure early."  
"Did Sturgis come and see you, sir?" she asked as the General turned to leave.  
"Yes," General Cresswell replied honestly. "But my wife has been through something similar to you a couple of times and two weeks of leave doesn't mean you are fully fit when you return to work. Six weeks later she was still grabbing an afternoon nap when she could."

Mac smiled gratefully. She hated feeling weak. She hated feeling like she was letting down the Marine Corps by napping during the day time. However, for once in her life, she loved the fact she didn't have to hide her feelings or her needs behind a false bravado.

Ten minutes later, Sturgis pulled his car out of the car park and turned east.  
"Thanks once again for those flowers you sent last week," Mac said, "They are beautiful."  
"You're welcome but I can't take credit for it, Varese organised them. I'm just sorry we couldn't get to see you and Harm," he apologised.  
"Well, you were on the Patrick Henry for ten days and Varese is in New York," she replied. "Not exactly easy to pay visits in those circumstances."  
"Still," he replied, "Flowers didn't really seem enough."

A little further into their drive, Mac steered the conversation onto Sturgis' final destination. When he told her where he was headed, Mac turned to face him. "That's nowhere near my place."  
"I know," he replied. "But I figured a little white lie wouldn't hurt."

Before Mac could reply her phone rang and she answered it, it was Harm.  
"Hey, Mac," he said, and she smiled at the mere sound of her name from his lips. "What are you up to?"  
"Sturgis is taking me to bed," she said with a yawn before she realised how it sounded to both men. "I mean he's taking me home so I can go to bed," she amended quickly.  
"Thank you for the clarification," Harm said while Sturgis laughed. "Are you okay?"  
"Yeah," she answered. "Just tired."  
"Well, I 'm glad you are going to bed then," he said before telling her how his day was going.  
"So, when can I expect you?" she asked.  
"21-2200," he answered and Mac sighed...another nine or so hours. "Sorry," he apologised when he recognised the disappointed tone of that sigh.  
"Can't be helped," she replied. "Just missing you."  
"Missing you too," he said and he did, desperately.

Mac had slept for a couple of hours in the afternoon and was back in bed asleep when Harm came through the door just after midnight. Moving around as quietly as he could, Harm wasn't surprised that Mac didn't stir until the bed dipped under his weight as he slid in beside her.  
"Harmmmm," she half mumbled, half groaned as she repositioned herself against him.  
"Love you," he whispered kissing her head. "Missed you." He kissed her once more.  
"Harmmmm," she repeated with a sigh.  
"I'm right here, gorgeous," he reassured her. "Right here."  
"Harmmmmm..."

Harm reached back and flicked on the bedside lamp so he could see her face.  
"Mac..." he said, patting her face. "Talk to me."  
"You're on my arm," she groaned, pulling the squashed limb back when he lifted up a bit.  
"Oh, sorry," he apologised, picking up the arm in question and kissing it. "Anything I can do to make it up to you?"  
"Chocolate ice cream," she replied, sitting up in bed. "With chocolate topping and some Oreos crumbled into it."  
"Would you like a blood sugar reading too or..." he started but stopped when she poked her tongue out at him. "One chocolate on chocolate on chocolate coming right up."  
"Feel free to make your own," she said, watching his boxer clad six as he departed...it was almost as good as the ice cream concoction which he was going to get her.  
"I'll just share yours," he called back and Mac laughed; 'Not likely' she thought to herself.

As Mac sat cross legged in the bed eating her favourite treat, Harm lay beside her rubbing her leg and eating the few spoonfuls she offered him. Years ago he had vowed that if he ever got the chance, he would indulge Mac with anything she wanted, the past nine months had reinforced that desire and if his beloved wanted to eat three pounds of chocolate in the middle of the night then he would do his best to make sure she did.  
"Yummmm," she moaned as she scraped the last of the ice cream from the bowl. "Delicious."  
"Can I get you anything else, gorgeous?" he asked, taking the spoon and bowl from her and kissing the remaining syrup from her lips.  
"Kiss me some more," she said, laying back in the bed.  
"Aye, aye, ma'am," he said, placing the bowl on the floor beside the bed and flicking off the light before returning his undivided attention to Mac.

Fifteen kisses and some gentle caresses under the covers and Mac sighed contentedly before slipping onto Harm's side of the bed with him drifting off to a very comfortable sleep.

It was midmorning before Mac stirred and she was sure it was only the aroma of bacon which caused her to drift from her slumber. Listening intently, Mac tried to discern whether she should join Harm in the kitchen or whether he was making his way to her. Two minutes later she had her answer as Harm came through the door with a tray for her.  
"Breakfast is served," he announced, placing the tray on a nearby table. "Your napkin," he said, shaking out the cloth before placing it on her lap once she'd sat up. "This morning you will be dining on eggs, over easy, bacon, mushrooms and whole-wheat toast. I hope it's to your liking."  
"You're amazing," she said, beckoning him closer so she could kiss him.  
"I try my best," he said with a laugh as he placed the tray on her lap.  
"Are you joining me?" she asked, looking up and fluttering her eyelashes at him.  
"I am," he said, "I'll just go grab it."

Harm's breakfast was a lot healthier – muesli, yoghurt and fresh fruit. Mac pouted when he slipped into bed with his tray.  
"What's up?" he asked.  
"Healthy...unhealthy," she said, gesturing to the two trays. "How come you didn't make me the same as you?"  
"Because you need your strength," he said, kissing her cheek. "And you deserve to be spoilt just a bit."  
"And you don't?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.  
"I'm going to wait patiently until you are up to spoiling me and then I'll make sure I get all I deserve," he said with a grin.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: not mine

The beginning of June indicated three things – the start of the sixth month of the year, two weeks to go until Harm and Mac moved into their Georgetown House and three weeks until the minister would declare them husband and wife.

Physically, Mac was fully recovered from the ectopic pregnancy and while she still had some down times and a few bad dreams, well, good ones which turn bad upon waking and facing the reality, she was doing quite well emotionally too. Harm had continued to work with Dr Robbins and now his heart didn't want to lurch out of his chest every time Mac moaned or groaned in her sleep.

They had resumed their sexual relationship after the six week mark but now Harm used condoms. It wasn't that they didn't want to get pregnant; they did, just not yet. With two life changing events happening in the coming month, Mac couldn't handle the fear associated with what could happen the next time she fell pregnant; thus, this time, she figured she could postpone the fear until a more suitable time.

Both apartments had been packed; they had sold Harm's and they were going to rent Mac's out – the demand higher in her area than his. The wedding details were finalised and both had taken a six weeks of leave, starting two days before the move and ending a few days after the first anniversary of the Hemingway Mountain inferno.

The night before moving day, Harm settled into Mac's bed for what would be the last time. From the there on in it would be their bed, and he was more than ready for it. Lying back with his arms folded behind his head, Harm waited for Mac to emerge from the bathroom, she seemed to be spending longer than necessary but he was being patient. When the door finally opened he couldn't miss the tear stains on her face and instantly he was out of bed.  
"What's wrong?" he asked, taking a step towards her.  
"Nothing, nothing," she said, waving him off. "It's all good."  
"Mac, you've been in the bathroom for 25 minutes and you've been crying," he informed her, "So you'll understand if I don't quite believe you."  
"It was nineteen minutes and if you get back into bed with me I'll tell you about the tears," she said, rounding the bed and climbing in.  
"Well?" he questioned when he was laying beside her once more.  
"I love you," she said, trying to reassure him.  
"Love you too," he replied, caressing her face. "Now, tell me."  
"I was in the bathroom and got to thinking about everything that has happened to me since I moved into this apartment ... all the good and bad..." she said, blinking back fresh tears.  
"I understand," he said. "I did the same when I packed the last things in the loft. Are you happy about the move though?"  
"Ecstatic," she replied, kissing him briefly. "This is what I had always hoped for but never truly believed was going to happen for me...for us..."  
"I always believed," Harm said, shifting closer to her.  
"Really?" Mac asked quirking an eyebrow. "After everything, how could you be so sure?"  
"Because I just couldn't fathom what my life would be like if it didn't happen," he admitted, tears filling his blue eyes. "You, my gorgeous Sarah MacKenzie, are my destiny, and while it has taken us much longer to get to this point than I ever anticipated, I am overjoyed that we have finally gotten here."

When Mac rolled on top of him their conversation was clearly finished as they began expressing their mutual thoughts and desires in highly charged physical encounters.

"Wake up, wake up," Mac said insistently, patting his face.  
"Few more minutes," he groaned into the darkness of the bedroom.  
"No, now, wake up," she said, tugging on his arm.  
"What's wrong?" he asked, opening one eye and catching the time on the clock; 5:21.  
"It's moving day," she said bouncing on the bed. "It's moving day."

Harm laughed. The look on Mac's face was akin to that of a 5 year old on Christmas morning.  
"The sun's not even up yet, gorgeous," he said, tugging her back to him. "Can't we sleep a little longer?" Mac pouted and Harm had his response. "Okay, let's get going."

Up, showered, dressed and ready to roll, Harm opened the door to go collect breakfast and was surprised to find his parents in the hallway.  
"What on earth?" he said before hugging them both.  
"It's moving day," Frank said, "We flew in last night and are here to help."  
"Where's Sarah?" Trish asked before looking over Harm's shoulder and spying her soon to be daughter-in-law. "Sarah, sweetheart, how are you?" she gushed moving past Harm to embrace the younger woman.  
"I think mom's more excited to see Mac than me," Harm groused good naturedly to Frank.  
"I think you're right," he agreed. "Feeling left out?"

Looking at the joyful expression on his fiancée's face, Harm shook his head. "Definitely not."  
Harm and Frank went to get breakfast from a nearby deli as Trish and Mac stripped off the bed.  
"Is this bed coming or staying?" Trish asked as she put the linen into the hamper.  
"Staying," Mac replied from the bathroom. "We have Harm's bed for the guest room and we get more rent on this place if it's furnished."  
"Okay," she nodded. "So, what's next?"  
Mac looked around. The bathroom was empty, the bedroom was devoid of all personal items and the closets were empty.  
"I think these two rooms are ready to clean," she said, "But we can leave that til last."

Moving to the living room, Trish started to pack the last of the items from the bookshelf. As she picked up the final book a photograph fell out and fluttered to the floor. Bending down, Trish scooped up the photo and looked at it. It took her a moment to realise the two very gypsy looking people were Harm and Mac.

Placing the book in the box, Trish headed to the kitchen with the photo in hand.  
"Sarah, when was this taken?" she asked, "Were you at a costume party?"  
It only took a glance to recognise the picture.  
"Um...no," she said. "It was taken when we were in Russia..."  
"When you found out Harmon's fate?" Trish asked and Mac nodded.  
"We were in danger and some gypsies helped us," Mac said. "Someone took the photo and sold it to us. I didn't want to pay the hundred dollars they were asking but felt it was safer in my hands than theirs. Harm doesn't know I have it."  
"Why not?" Trish asked, staring at the photo.  
"At the time, I didn't have the chance and then when we learnt about his dad I wasn't sure he'd want a reminder," Mac said with a wistful smile. She would have given anything for the result of that trip to have been different.  
"Harm and I never really talked much about that trip," Trish said, leaning against the counter. "I found it all a bit hard."  
"So did he," Mac said quietly as the men returned.  
Trish nodded; perhaps on her next visit she'd talk to her boy about the man they had both loved.

A couple of hours later, the last of Mac's things were packed into the three cars and the apartment spotlessly cleaned. While there was still a bookcase and dresser she was taking with her, Harm and Frank would collect them when he picked up his belongings in a truck they were hiring.  
"Ready to go?" Harm asked once his parents had headed downstairs and Mac was still standing in the middle of her living room.  
"Yeah," she said with a sigh. She was, more than ready, more than happy. She was just finding actually leaving a little harder than she thought. True, she was very excited about the new house, the wedding the following weekend, the way her life was going. However, this apartment had been her refuge, the place she could run to, hide in, and held a whole lot of memories – good and bad.  
"It's not like we'll never be back," Harm said gently. "You'll get to see it when the new tenants are here."  
"Won't be home..." she said quietly.  
"No, but you'll have your home with me in Georgetown," he reminded her, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "That's what you want, isn't it?" he checked, now quite concerned about her thinking.  
"Oh, definitely," she said, turning in his arms and linking her arms around his neck. "I can't wait to start this next phase of our lives together." She pushed up on her toes and kissed him. "I guess I was letting the emotion of it all overwhelm me a little."  
"Anything I can do for you?" he asked, leaning down and kissing her nose.  
"Take me home," she said before kissing him soundly.

Driving up the driveway of her new Georgetown home, Mac grinned; this was really happening. The beautiful house in front of her was hers, well, theirs, and would be their home, their marital home. She laughed at the thought. This time next week, she and Harm would be getting ready for their wedding, their WEDDING! Shaking her head she couldn't believe it; when did things start going so right?

"If you sit here all day we won't get everything moved in," Harm said through her open car window as he opened the door for her.

Mac turned around to see Harm's car behind hers, Frank's hire car behind that and the Roberts' car pulling up at the kerb.  
"Sorry," she said sheepishly before climbing out.  
"Now, come with me," he said taking her hand and walking to the front door. "I'd like you to do the honours," he said handing her the key.  
"I love you very much, Harm," Mac said, quickly kissing him as they stood at the door to their home.  
"I love you too, gorgeous," he replied. "And I promise you I am going to try my best to make this the best home you've ever had."  
"Wouldn't be hard,' Mac thought to herself but not wanting to spoil the day with the past, she just smiled. "And I'm going to do the same."

Inserting the key, Mac turned it and the door opened revealing a large empty room, one they would very soon make their own.

Before Mac could take a step, Harm scooped her off her feet and cradled her in his arms.  
"What are you doing?" she asked, gripping his shirt.  
"Carrying you over the threshold," he replied, taking a few steps into the house.  
"Aren't you supposed to do that when we're married?" she asked.  
Harm nodded. "And I will...but this is the start of our new life together, our marital home, the place we will raise our family, so I thought it was only fitting to do it today." Leaning down he captured her lips in his and it was only Frank's coughing a few minutes later that made him realise they should actually get back to the mundane things – like moving in.

Dinner, that first night, was Chinese and as Harm pulled out the boxes from the plastic bags the delivery boy had just left, frank poured the drinks and Trish put out the plates. The Roberts hadn't stayed for dinner so the only one they were waiting for was Mac. When she hadn't appeared a few minutes later, Harm went to find her and eventually did the bedroom by the master bedroom.

Wrapping her in his arms from behind, Harm leant down and kissed her neck. Saying nothing, he pulled her closer before kissing her once more.  
"I'm being silly," she said with a sniff, using her hand to wipe away her tears.  
"No, you're not," he replied, kissing her head. "It's allowed to get to you."  
"What is?" she asked, not sure if they were thinking the same thing.  
"You're looking at this room thinking it would be a perfect nursery and thinking that, in other circumstances, we would be using it for that by year's end." He tenderly rubbed her abdomen.  
"Aha," Mac replied, tears choking her.

Spinning her in his arms, Harm held her close and kissed her numerous times.  
"It will happen for us, gorgeous, I promise you," he whispered, tilting her head up.  
Mac nodded. "I'm sorry for this...it's our first day here and I'm spoiling it with all of this."  
"You're not spoiling anything, Mac," he replied, kissing her briefly. "You are being you...and I love every bit of you...this time next week we will be husband and wife, for better or worse, in good times and in bad, and we will be there for each other and get through these type of days with each other."  
"Love you," she said pressing a kiss to his lips.  
"Love you," he replied. "Now," he added, wiping the tears from her face, "Come and eat and then when mom and Frank go, you can have a bubble bath, then I'll get out your favourite massage oil and ease all the physical aches from today and then..."  
"We can christen the bedroom?" she asked pulling him closer.  
"We can christen the bedroom," he echoed. "And the bathroom...living room...kitchen..."  
"I like your thinking," Mac said with a small laugh as she led Harm down to the dining room.

Sunday through Wednesday, Harm, Mac, his parents and sometimes Harriet, spent time setting up the new MacKenzie – Rabb house. By Wednesday afternoon the house looked and felt like home, and while there were other things that would need doing, they weren't urgent. Deciding enough was enough, Harm declared an end to the moving process over dinner that night and then told Mac, his mother and Harriet that he had arranged for them to have a day at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel luxury spa. When there was a slight murmur of protest, Harm just shrugged and said it was a thank you for all their hard work and a way to start the wedding festivities, nobody objected.

Frank played chauffeur and dropped the ladies off for their 9:00 am start while Harm ran a couple of his own errands. An hour later, Frank and Harm met up at the Rock Creek Golf Course and had a leisurely day playing eighteen holes, having lunch and friendly conversation. Over a beer at the nineteenth hole, Frank decided to impart some fatherly advice.  
"I've been thinking of about what I should say to you on the occasion of your wedding," Frank began before clearing his throat nervously. "And, I came up with ten things and I'd like to share them with you."  
"I'd appreciate that, Frank," Harm said, putting down his glass. While Harm had resisted a relationship with him when he was younger, he had relished it in recent months.  
"Before I start let me say, you are a very fortunate man. Your mom and I have thought for a number of years that Sarah was the one for you. I'm so glad you both came to see that too. I believe you were truly meant for each other... Well, here goes...

One, make sure you say I love you everyday...whether it's in person, on the phone or in a note. Little gifts or flowers don't go astray either.

Two, make sure you find the time once a week to go on a date. It keeps alive the romance when life seems to overwhelm everything else.

Three, truly listen to each other...not only the words but the meaning.

Four, never go to bed angry. Forgive and move on, let it go. Admit it when you're wrong, and I know that's something you find hard.

Five, be patient with each other. You have both been through a lot in life; some days will be easier than others. Just remember how far you've come in the past year and what it was that got you there.

Six, careers are important but they are not the only thing. They may put money in the bank but they don't keep you warm at night.

Seven, advice my father gave me, the key to a happy marriage is two words – yes dear!

Eight, is another one from my father, in an argument let Sarah have the last word. Anything you add after that will be the start of a new argument – and believe me, after twenty seven years married to your mother, that extra word is just not worth it.

Nine, you will face a million challenges during your marriage, some will seem insurmountable, they're not, not if you remember to love each other above all else.

And ten, anytime you need me, for advice, help or just to vent as a husband done wrong, call me... day or night...understand?"

Harm nodded before reaching across the table and shaking Frank's hand. With tears filling his eyes, he looked at his step-father and squeezed his hand. "Thanks, Frank, I appreciate it."  
"Always remember that I love you very much," Frank said tearfully.  
"I love you too, dad."


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Not mine

The ladies day at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel had been one of complete decadence. After spending an hour in the spa's heat experience, each went their own way for a body wrap and facial. Taking time out for a scrumptious lunch, they relaxed in a private garden enjoying iced tea, platters of fresh fruit and sandwiches and great company.  
"My son certainly knows how to pick the perfect place," Trish said, reclining in her chair. "I feel so wonderfully relaxed."  
"Me too," agreed Harriet. "I haven't felt this way since... I don't know when."  
Too relaxed to bother talking, Mac just smiled.  
"I can't believe the wedding is two days away," said Harriet. "Part of me thinks it's come up really fast, the rest of me knows it's been years in the making." The added emphasis on 'years' wasn't lost on Mac or Trish.  
"It has been years in the making," Trish confirmed. "I remember the first time Harm mentioned Sarah's name...it was probably the first Christmas after they met... even back then there was something about the way he said her name which led me to believe this would always be the outcome."  
"Really?" Mac questioned.  
"Yes, really," Trish said. "However, I also believed we'd be doing it long before now."  
Mac laughed. "Yeah, so did I. I guess all that matters now is that we're actually getting married ...nothing we can do about the past."  
"No, there's not," Harriet said, she too had hoped her friends would be Mr & Mrs long before now. "I'm just so happy you two finally saw what the rest of us did."  
"I think we always saw it, Harriet," Mac said. "We just weren't in a position to get it to work...until now."

More food, more drinks, more amicable conversation and Mac decided to risk spoiling the day by her next question...she knew Harm's thoughts on it, she just needed some confirmation.  
"Harm says he doesn't blame me about the baby and that he loves me whether or not we have our own biological child," Mac said bluntly. "Do you think that's true?"  
"Yes," Harriet said quickly, Trish's 'Yes' just a second behind. "Mac, Harm has loved you forever and known about your condition just as long. He knows what he's getting ...and that's you...anything else is a bonus," Harriet added.  
"And losing the baby?" Mac asked.  
"He doesn't blame you, Sarah," Trish said quietly. "There was nothing you did or could have done to make a difference; he knows that, you know that too. It was just one of those things."  
"I know," Mac said with a nod. And she did know it; she just needed someone else to confirm it. "It's just sometimes..." she couldn't finish the thought.

"When I lost baby Sarah," Harriet began, "I was sure Bud would never speak to me again let alone love me. After all, there was a medical history I had kept secret and that may or may not have made a difference. It took some work but not only did he continue to love me, we have three more beautiful children who are a sign of that love. Harm loves you unconditionally, Mac, never doubt that."

Mac smiled but she knew Harriet's story was different to hers. They had already had a child and were subsequently blessed with three more. She and Harm had none, they may never have any.  
"Frank and I wanted a child together and tried for years to have one," Trish began quietly, revealing a story she had never shared with anyone but Frank. "Just before Harm was to turn 16 I discovered I was pregnant. My age wasn't a huge concern, I was only 37 and while it was older than was the norm of the day there were still new mothers of my age. I told Frank and only Frank because of the risks associated with it and we had planned to tell family and friends at the end of the first trimester when we were assured all was well..."  
"What happened?" asked Harriet eagerly.  
"Harm took off to Vietnam to search for his father and," she paused for a moment "...Well, I lost the baby at 11 weeks..."

Mac's gasp was audible. It had been hard enough losing a baby she didn't know existed but to lose one at 11 weeks like Trish, or at full term, like Harriet, would have killed her. Trish reached across and took her hand.  
"I can honestly say that Frank loved me more from that day on..." she said. "It was hard...it was extremely hard...in my day losing a baby wasn't discussed. You were told to get on with things. If you were lucky you had a good friend...a kind husband...other than that you buried it deep and tried to forget."  
"But you can't," Harriet said quietly. "It gets easier, it becomes a part of you, you move on but you don't forget."  
"I'm so very lucky to have a good friend and a kind husband," Mac said wiping away her tears. "And a wonderful and supportive mom..." she added as she squeezed Trish's hand.

Trish's grin spread wide as Mac failed to add the in-law part. She had told Mac she thought of her as a daughter when she bought the wedding dress but to hear the word 'mom' from her lips thrilled her to bits.

Sitting down to dinner, later than evening, Harm was smiling. While he still wasn't sure what had gone on at the spa, he knew it had worked wonders for Mac. The fact that she surprised him in their bedroom when he was unpacking some things a little earlier and made love to him with his parents still downstairs had proven that.  
"You look happy and relaxed, son," Trish said, slipping into the chair opposite.  
"I am, mom," he agreed. "Had a wonderful day."  
"Me too," Trish said, nodding. "Thank you so much for treating us, it was just so...special."  
"Mac seems to have enjoyed it too," Harm said quietly as he heard her coming downstairs.  
"She did," Trish agreed. "I think she found it very therapeutic on many levels."

Dinner was salad and marinated chicken which Frank had prepared on the barbeque. Carrying it to the table, Frank placed the platter in the centre before washing up in the kitchen.  
"Smells wonderful," Mac said inhaling deeply.  
"It's a Burnett family recipe," Trish said, handing the tongs to Mac so she could go first.  
"Do you think I could have it?" she asked.  
"I don't know, dear, I don't even have it," Trish replied.  
"Have what?" asked Frank, taking his place.  
"Mac was just asking about the marinade," Harm said, "She wanted to know if you would give her the recipe."  
Turning in his seat, Frank smiled and winked at Mac. "Sure."

Later that evening, Mac slipped into Harm's side of the bed, not bothering to walk around to her side of the king sized bed. She settled herself towards the middle, her head resting on his pillow and the covers pulled up around her.

Thinking it a bit strange, but not saying anything, Harm slid into the space she had left for him and instantly she was wrapped around him, her head on his chest, her leg slipping between his.

Kissing her head, Harm whispered his love for her before holding her a little tighter.  
"Everything alright?" he whispered, not sure what she was feeling.  
"Aha," Mac said, nodding against his chest.  
"Sure?" he questioned, kissing her head once more.  
"Aha," she repeated, kissing his chest.

Not seeing any of her usual tells relating to sadness or stress, Harm was content to just hold her and caress her as she drifted off to sleep. An hour later when a police car siren in a nearby street woke him, Harm realised Mac's grip on him had tightened considerably. She had pushed him backwards and had a starfish like grip on his body.  
"Mac, gorgeous," he whispered, wriggling slightly. "Wake up." There was no response. "Mac, honey..." Her grip tightened.

Despite his concern at her actions, he had to smile to himself, his beautiful fiancée was definitely a marine and there was no way he'd be able to get out of her grasp without doing one of them some damage.  
"Mac," he said louder, trying to shake her, when she murmured in her sleep he took it as a good sign and called her name louder.  
"What?" she grouched, not bothering to open her eyes.  
"Wanna tell me why you have a death grip on me?" he asked, looking down at her.

Opening one eye, Mac tried to focus on him and his words and then realised just how tightly she had hold of him. "Sorry," she said, releasing her hold and resettling with him.  
"Something wrong?" Harm asked, rubbing her back. "You don't seem yourself tonight."  
"Nothing's wrong," she said with a sigh. "It's the opposite..."  
"Something right?" he rephrased his question.  
"Everything's right," she said looking up at him. "Had the best day ...have you...have the house..."  
"So why are you holding me so tightly?" he asked, a little confused.  
"Don't want it to go away," she admitted honestly.  
"Never gonna happen," he soothed, kissing her cheek. "In 48 hours we'll be lying together as husband and wife and that will be forever and ever..."  
"Amen," she said with a smile as her eyes fluttered shut.  
"Mac," he called before she drifted off once more. "You sure everything's right?" he asked, still a little concerned by her behaviour.  
"Yeah, had doubts but all's okay," she said as sleep tried to claim her.  
"You had doubts?" Harm asked now wide awake. "Doubts about what?" he asked, shaking her a little.  
"Doubts about ... it all..." she mumbled.

Wanting to have a proper conversation, Harm shook her and soon her eyes opened.  
"What?" she grumbled.  
"What were you having doubts about?" he questioned sitting up.  
"Who said I was having doubts?" she countered, sitting up and facing him.  
"You just did," he explained. "I asked you if you were sure everything was alright and you said 'Yeah, had doubts but all's okay'. So, I ask again, what doubts?"

With her brow furrowing, Mac tried to clear her thoughts. Knowing there was no way of not talking this through, Mac drew a deep breath and forged ahead.  
"I know you love me," she started. "I know you don't blame me for the baby. I know you will be happy with just me if we never have a baby of our own."  
"That's right," Harm said, taking her hands in his. "Were you doubting that?"  
"On some level, I guess I was," she admitted honestly, hating herself when Harm's eyes welled up. "Not about you loving me..." she quickly clarified, "I've always believed that." Harm grimaced; while he was glad she didn't doubt his love, it was now apparent she had doubts as to the baby side of things. "But today at the spa I talked to Harriet and mom about losing the baby and maybe never having one and whether they thought you were really okay about it. They both said they were sure you were, they related their own stories that proved love can conquer such devastation and for the first time I felt content about the whole thing. It wasn't that I didn't believe you," she said, squeezing his hand, "It's just that I need to talk to other people ...women... who'd been through it ... successfully ... to fully understand that life goes on and that I am about to marry the most wonderful man in the world."

Crawling across the gap between them, Mac straddled his lap.  
"I truly love you with all my heart and I'm so ready to marry you and commit to you for the rest of my life," she declared softly as her tears fell.  
Harm smiled. "I'm more than ready to marry and commit to you for the rest of my life too," he said, kissing her shoulder. "I love you with everything I am...everything I will ever be."

When dawn arrived, Harm was awake and held onto Mac while she slept in his arms. Replaying the conversation from the night before in his head, he realised Mac had alluded to his mother and Harriet having a similar experience to hers. While he knew all about Harriet's, he knew nothing of his mother's – that would be something he'd have to ask about.

Additionally, he noted that Mac had referred to his mother as mom. Smiling, he was glad Mac and his mom were developing a close relationship. He was sure it would be a good thing for both of them.

Drifting off to sleep once more, Harm was woken by the vibrations of his cell on the bedside table. "Rabb," he said quietly, answering the call.  
"Your doorbell doesn't work and ..." Mattie began.  
"You're here?" Harm asked, easing himself away from Mac.  
"Have been on your doorstep for the past five minutes," she said as Harm shrugged on his robe.  
"You're three hours early," he said racing down the stairs.  
"Does that mean I have to stay out here that long?" she sassed.

Flinging the door opened, Harm embraced the young woman tightly.  
"It's so good to see you, Mats," he said. "I've missed you so much."  
"Missed you too," she replied kissing his cheek. "But it's not too easy getting home from Seattle, especially with the field experiences as well."  
"I know, I know," he said, grabbing her bags and ushering her inside.

Nearly fully recovered from her accident, Mattie had been offered a place at Western Washington University studying Rehabilitation Counselling. Prior to her accident, Mattie had never given much thought to a profession which involved caring for others. However, though her long recovery she had plenty of time to think about matters and decided on a career in paediatric rehabilitation. Between her studies, her own therapy, her field experiences and social life, trips east in the past year had been scarce but she did manage regular phone calls and emails and was very up to date the happenings in Harm and Mac's life.  
"How's Mac going?" Mattie asked after Harm handed her a mug of coffee.  
"She's still asleep," he said, placing his own mug on the table.  
"I figured," she said. "But what I meant is how's she going with...well, everything..."  
"She's going well," Harm replied. "It hasn't been easy but things are good."  
"And what about you?" she asked, studying him.  
"Hasn't been easy," he repeated. "But..."  
"Things are good," she finished for him and he nodded.  
"Yeah," he said with a smile. "And now we are focusing on all the positives...the house, the wedding...the future..."  
"I'm so happy for you, Harm," she said reaching for his hand. "You so deserve this happiness."

Harm smiled; he was happy for him too...finally he had everything he wanted, everything he needed, and yes, he admitted to himself, everything he deserved..


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: not mine

After waking to find she was in bed alone, and then hearing voices downstairs, Mac got up, pulled on her robe and headed towards the smell of pancakes.  
"Mmmm," she said, wandering into the kitchen. "Smells good."  
"You have a sixth sense about when breakfast's ready, don't you?" Harm teased, as he slid the last pancake onto the plate.  
"Aha," she replied, before yawning. "Morning, honey." She reached in and kissed him quickly.  
"Good morning to you too, gorgeous," he said, pulling her back and kissing her thoroughly.  
"Should I come back later?" Mattie announced standing in the doorway.  
"Mats!" Mac said pulling back. "It's so good to see you," she said embracing the younger woman.  
"It's good to see you too," Mattie said, hugging her back. "I'm so excited about the wedding."  
"Me too," said Mac. "Harriet has your dress all ready and I can't wait to see you in it."  
"I can't wait either," Mattie said, hooking her arm through Mac's and leading her out to the dining table."  
"Don't worry about me, I don't need any help in here," Harm grumbled good naturedly.

After breakfast and a lot of chatting and catching up, Mac went upstairs to shower and dress while Harm let his parents in and made a fresh round of coffee.  
"Mom and dad are here when..." he started but stopped as he saw her packing a small case. "Um...what's going on?"  
"What?" Mac questioned turning to face him. She was dressed in jeans and a blue shirt and her hair was still wet from the shower.  
"You're packing...going somewhere?" he asked, knowing they had packed their cases for the honeymoon already.  
Mac smiled at the confused and concerned expression on her husband-to-be's face.  
"I am," she said, reaching up and kissing his lips. "Have you forgotten tomorrow's our wedding?"  
"No, I haven't," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding on tightly.  
"Then have you forgotten Mattie and I are spending the night at the Roberts' so we can uphold at least one tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other?" she asked, kissing him once more.  
"Oh," he said with a smile. "That part I had forgotten. You're not leaving right now though, are you?"  
"Not until about 1400," Mac said, wrapping her arms around his waist.  
"That early?" he questioned, wanting to keep hold of her for as long as possible.  
"That early," Mac agreed. "We have to do the final fitting for Mattie and Harriet...do a run through with hair and make up...Harriet's organising a small bachelorette party ..."  
"Really?" he questioned, this was the first he was hearing of it.  
"Really," she confirmed. "Food, fun..."  
"Male stripper fun?" he asked seriously.  
"Do you think Harriet would organise a male stripper for a party in her home?" Mac asked with a smile.  
"I guess not," he admitted. "What am I going to do?"  
"Whatever you, Frank and Bud come up with," she said kissing him soundly before packing the last of her things.

When the time to leave did come, Harm was torn between feeling excited and anxious. As he stood by Mac's car he pressed one hand against her door to prevent her opening it. Once he let her go, the next time he'd see her they would be standing in front of the minister. It had taken them a decade to get this far and though he had no doubts about the following day, he was just a little nervous that if he let her out of his sight, something would go amiss.  
"I'm going to be there," Mac whispered, looping her arms around his neck as she leant back against the car. "Don't look so worried."  
"I'm not worried," he replied, leaning his forehead against hers. "Just..." He didn't know what adjective to use.  
"I will be there," she repeated, "I'll be the one wearing white at the end of the aisle this time tomorrow."  
"I'll be the one at the altar," he said, kissing her briefly.  
"Don't be late," she chided kissing him back.  
"Me late?" he said with a smirk. "There's no way I'll be late, don't want to give you any reason to change your mind."  
"Never going to change my mind," she said. "I love you so very, very, very much and tomorrow I will be your wife and we will get our happily ever after, Harmon."  
"I love you so very much, Sarah," he whispered in reply. "And I can't wait until I'm your husband."

Mac's afternoon and evening were a delight; Trish had made the journey to the Roberts' with Mac and Mattie to have a final inspection of all the dresses and to ensure everything was in order. Harriet had also invited Trish to join them for the evening's festivities which she had readily accepted. The dresses for Harriet and Mattie were dark blue in colour and something which they had agreed upon over several phone call and emails. Knee length, the summery dresses suited them both and would be wearable for future occasions, something unusual for traditional bridesmaid's dress.  
After seeing her mom in her dress, Nikki insisted on putting on her flowergirl dress. The dress was a simple floor length white dress with a dark blue sash.  
"She's adorable, Harriet," Trish gushed as Nikki danced around the room.  
"She's so excited," Harriet replied. "It's all she's talked about for weeks."  
"Me too," Trish said with a laugh.  
Once all were satisfied the dresses were perfect, they were taken off and hung in the master bedroom closet.  
"Your turn, Aunty Mac," said Nikki, pointing to the wedding gown.  
Before Mac had the back zipped up, Mattie and Harriet were in tears.  
"Just beautiful," Harriet said, straightening the sleeve.  
"Oh, Mac, it's gorgeous," enthused Mattie. "So...perfect."  
"You really think so?" Mac asked, even though she thought it was perfectly perfect herself.  
"Oh, yes," Mattie said. "Harm is going to die when he sees you."  
"Well, that would spoil things, Mattie," Trish quipped and Mattie wasn't too sure how to read her.  
"Oh, sorry," Mattie said. "I just meant..."  
"I know it was a joke," Trish said with a smile, patting her arm.

Later that evening, Harriet had set out a feast for the four ladies and the twins. AJ and Jimmy were staying overnight at a friend's place and Bud had gone over to Harm's. It was all Mac's favourites and Harriet made sure her plate was never empty.  
"If you keep feeding me the dress won't fit me tomorrow," Mac said, leaning back in her chair. "I think I've eaten more tonight than I have in the last week."  
"And no way for Harm to help you work it off," Mattie said with a giggle.  
"How would Uncle Harm help?" Nikki asked and all eyes turned to Mattie.  
"It's all yours, Mats," said Mac with a smirk.  
"How would he?" asked Michael, wanting his twin's question answered.  
"He and Aunty Mac go running," Harriet said when she realised Mattie didn't have an answer. "And do lots of exercise."  
"Oh," said Nikki, she'd been hoping it was something more – like magic.

When dinner was done and the twins were in bed, the ladies sat in the living room, drinks in hand, and chatted away. Harm was the favourite topic of conversation and each related their own Harm stories... the good, the funny ... the bad was left out completely.

Meanwhile, Harm, Frank and Bud sat around the dining table at Harm and Mac's talking over pizza and beers. Harm had just gone to the fridge for the second round of refreshments when his cell rang and the news wasn't good.  
"What's wrong?" Frank asked when Harm reappeared without the beer.  
"That was Alice Kendall, the functions coordinator at The Rose," he started. The Rose was the restaurant where they were having the reception. It had a small intimate function room and the food was exquisite. After looking at several places, they had deemed this one perfect due to its romantic atmosphere and the name...after all, their romance started in a very similarly named venue, even if neither of them realised it at the time.  
"What's wrong?" Bud asked.  
"The fire alarm was triggered accidently, it set off the sprinkler system and the whole place is waterlogged," he reported. "It won't be ready for the reception tomorrow...and the cake is ruined."  
"Oh," Bud said, "That's a big problem. You can have it at our place," he offered.  
"That's generous of you," Harm said, "But then there's the issue of decorations and food and cake – not much time for organise that and I don't want to let Mac know."  
"Why don't you see if we can have it at Langford's?" Frank suggested. "Mac loves the place; the weather tomorrow will be warm so if we could get the beer garden it would be perfect. There's still time to go and get the decorations and ..."

Harm grinned; Langford's would be perfect. There would only be about 20 of them and they could order from the menu. He was sure between the three of them they could decorate the place and do something about a cake.

Several long phone calls later and Harm had booked out the beer garden at Langford's for the evening. Usually catering for up to sixty guests a night, Harm had been happy to pay a surcharge to ensure they had it to themselves.

Additionally, they could set up around lunchtime to ensure it was ready for the reception. Grabbing his keys, he was glad he had only had one beer before the initial phone call.

Their first stop was to a party shop where they engaged the help of a middle aged woman who seemed to know a lot about wedding decorations. Walking out they had boxes of ribbons, candles, glass bowls and assorted decorations, including a range of items Harm had never known existed. Next, they stopped at the grocery store to see about a cake. After looking at all the variations in the bakery department Harm couldn't decide what would work.

"How about the one with the chocolate frosting?" Frank suggested. "Mac loves chocolate and ..."  
"She had her heart set on the one we had picked," Harm said, scanning the shelves once more.  
"Why don't you see if they can make you another one?" Bud asked.  
"At this time on a Friday night, I doubt it," Harm said with a frown before the answer dawned on him. "Chocolate on chocolate on chocolate!"  
"What?"Frank asked.  
"Mac loves chocolate. Her favourite midnight snack is chocolate ice cream with chocolate topping and crushed Oreos," he reported grinning. "So, if we can make any concoction that involves chocolate she'll love it."

Knowing the chocolate mud cake recipe Mac loved off by heart, Harm picked up the ingredients, along with a multitude of other items and headed to the check out.  
"There's more chocolate here than at a Cadbury's factory," Bud said, looking at the items in Harm's trolley.  
"And Mac will love it all," he replied with a laugh.

As the ladies ate and had fun, the men slaved away in the kitchen coming up with the perfect Death by Chocolate cake. Deciding it needed something else, Harm halved the cake and added a chocolate mousse filling before covering the cake in chocolate fudge.  
"Not quite the traditional wedding cake, now is it son," Frank said, studying the masterpiece.  
"No, it's not, dad, but we've never been the most traditional couple," Harm said with a smile.  
"What on earth...?" said Trish walking into the kitchen around midnight and surprising them. She surveyed the scene in front of her – flour, cocoa, chocolaty splodges all over the place, all over her son and husband.  
"Where did you come from?" Frank asked, moving to kiss his wife.  
"Caught a cab back," she said, still trying to work out what was happening. "Baking is not normally a bachelor party activity."

Over the next few minutes they told Trish of the happenings of the evening, their shopping spree and baking efforts. They informed her of the need to set up the garden themselves around midday and how they had planned to do it all without Mac's knowledge. Impressed with their arrangements and efforts, Trish took it upon herself to send Harm to bed and Bud home while she saw to the cleaning up.  
"I can't believe my baby's getting married tomorrow," Trish said as she hugged Harm at the foot of the stairs.  
"I'm 41, mom, not exactly a baby," Harm replied holding her tightly.  
"Regardless of your age, you'll always be my baby," she said, kissing his cheek.  
Harm drew a deep breath – no time like the present.  
"I wasn't your only baby, was I?" he questioned, draping his arms over his mother's shoulders.  
"Of course you were," Trish said with a smile. "My one and only."  
"Mom," he said quietly. "Mac told me...well, she didn't exactly tell me she sort of said something which made me think that maybe..."  
"Can you clarify that?" Trish asked, confused about what he was or wasn't referring to.  
"At the spa on Thursday..." he began and Trish nodded, she now knew what had him tongue tied. "She said you and Harriet shared similar stories about the loss of a baby...I know about Harriet's but ..."  
"But not mine," Trish finished for him and he nodded. "Sit with me," she said, and they sat on the third step.  
"Frank and I had tried for a number of years for a baby and were very excited when I found out I was pregnant. I was 37 at the time and there was a risk because of my age ..." she started to explain.  
"37 is not that old...lots of women are having their first baby after that age," Harm interrupted, his mother's hand held tightly in his.  
"Not now it isn't, but you have to remember I had you at 21. In those days that's what you did, had your babies young," she said, before taking a deep breath. "So, we found out we were pregnant and decided to keep it to ourselves for the first trimester, until we were out of the danger period."  
"But why didn't you tell me?" he questioned. He could understand not telling the world but he was her son.  
"Because, honestly, I didn't know how you'd take it," she said, squeezing his hand. "You were so obsessed about your father during that period and you and Frank weren't getting along all that well..."  
"You were 37," Harm said as the timing of it all dawned on him. "That's when I went to Vietnam."  
Trish nodded. "Yes, it was. It was a week after you'd left I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks," she said quietly, aware Frank had now joined them.  
"11 weeks," Harm said, dropping his head. "You lost the baby at 11 weeks," he repeated as tears welled in his eyes. It had nearly killed him losing a baby he didn't know existed; he couldn't imagine his mother's pain at losing a desperately wanted baby 11 weeks into the pregnancy. "It was my fault, wasn't it?" he asked, looking up at her with a tear stained face. "It was the stress of my leaving to search for dad, wasn't it?"

Trish smiled sadly; there was no real answer to that. She had never known whether there was a direct correlation between Harm's absence and the miscarriage or whether it had just been coincidental timing.

Realising Trish's lack of response would make Harm feel worse, Frank spoke. "We never blamed you," he said and Harm turned, surprised he was there. "Yes, there was a lot of stress with you gone but women miscarry every day without such stress. It was just one of those things."  
Harm closed his eyes as the new information washed over him. His parents had dropped everything to come and help him and Mac deal with their loss and yet when they had suffered their greatest loss, not only was he not home to help he never even knew.  
"I'm so sorry," he said, squeezing his mother's hand with one of his while holding the other out to Frank. "I'm so sorry."  
"It was a long time ago, son," Frank said, taking his hand. "Yes, we get caught up with the 'what ifs' from time to time but we've had a wonderful life and we have one terrific son who is getting married tomorrow, what else could we ask for?"


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: not mine

AN: Now that this story is complete and I've finished posting it elsewhere, I'll wrap it up here for Christmas - this is chapter 17 of 20.

Saturday dawned as a picture perfect summer day. The sky was a vibrant blue and there were only the gentlest of white wispy clouds scattered along the horizon. Staring out the bedroom window, his thoughts a million miles away, well, not quite a million, just as far as the Roberts' house, Harm didn't hear Frank knock or enter.  
"Your mom's been calling you for breakfast, Harm," he said before catching the look on his face. "Everything alright?"  
"Everything's perfect, dad," he said, gesturing out the window. "Just got lost in thought."  
"And that thought would be how a certain marine colonel lawyer is doing today, wouldn't it?" he asked as he wrapped his arm around Harm's shoulders and steered him towards the door.  
"Oh, that might have had something to do with it," Harm replied with a grin.  
"Well, she's doing just fine," Frank said and Harm turned to look at him. "Your mom called her," he said by way of explanation. "Wanted to make sure there was nothing she needed this morning and all she said she needed was 2:00 pm to come around very fast so she could marry you."  
Harm's grin widened. He couldn't wait for that either.

The plan for the morning was fairly simple, after some fancy negotiating from Frank, and no doubt some extra cash as well, the groom's side of the wedding party was allowed to set up the beer garden at Langford's midmorning. Thus allowing them to go home, shower and dress in ample time for the wedding. Having improved his track record in punctuality, Harm didn't want to lapse ... not today of all days.

"Further to the right," Trish said and Harm shook his head trying to clear the Mac induced fog he was experiencing.  
"Sorry, mom," he replied as he moved the flowers accordingly.  
It was a repeated pattern with the ribbons, candles and centrepiece.  
"More to the left..."  
"Sorry, mom."  
"More to the right."  
"Sorry, mom."  
"Not on that table on the other one."  
"Sorry, mom."

Frank stood in the corner and chuckled.  
"What's so funny?" asked Bud as AJ helped move some chairs.  
"I think Harm's more than ready for marriage," he said. "All he needs to do is change 'mom' to 'Mac' or 'dear' and he's got it."

After a whirlwind morning, Mac sat back in the chair smiling as the hairdresser put the final touches to her hair.  
"I'd say a penny for your thoughts, Mac, but I'm sure I already know what they are?" Mattie said with a grin, dropping into the chair beside her.

Before she could answer her cell buzzed and Mac checked the message.  
'Hey Gorgeous, You are all I can think of today. I love you more than you will ever know, more than I can express. Thank you for marrying me today, I can't wait. Love you for eternity, Harm xox'

Mattie handed her a box of tissues as her tears fell, she didn't need to read the message to know who it would be from.  
"He loves you so much," she said, turning to face her.  
"I know," Mac sighed dreamily. "I love him too."  
Mac hit reply on her phone and waited for the message screen to come up.  
'Hey Sailor, I love you so much too. I feel very blessed that you are marrying me today. Only 117 minutes to go. Can't wait. Love you infinity, Mac xxx'

Harm read the reply and grinned. 117 minutes...116 minutes and she would be in his arms. The word 'anticipation' just didn't do it. Re-reading the message he got to the 'infinity' part and pondered it for a moment. "Eternity' was their word, starting in Sydney Harbour, he had used it but she had chosen something else. Why?  
"Are you okay, Uncle Harm?" AJ asked studying his godfather.  
"Yeah," he replied looking at the boy.  
"Is that Aunty Mac?" he asked, pointing at the cell.  
"Yes, it is," Harm confirmed. "She says she loves me infinity."  
"Infinity and beyond!" AJ exclaimed using his best Buzz Lightyear voice and Harm laughed, now he got it.

They had watched the Toy Story treble with AJ and Jimmy a couple of months ago whilst they were babysitting at Harm's place and they had all been doing their best impersonations of Buzz. Once the boys were bedded down and asleep in the living room, Harm and Mac had gone to bed proclaiming their love to infinity and beyond, each one trying to go one better than the other. Harm had declared his love for infinity, Mac had added beyond and not wanting to be outdone Harm had added 'plus one', Mac had then added 'plus one' and Harm had done the same... it continued for several minutes.

Grinning, Harm hit reply as he recalled how they had ended the 'argument' in a more than satisfactory way. 'And beyond' was all he wrote before sending.

Moments later his cell buzzed and Harm knew what it would say before he read it; he was right.  
'Plus one'

At 1355, Harm stood at the altar of the small chapel at the Falls Church base dressed immaculately in his dress whites. There was no way he was going to be late and it had only been Reverend Turner's insistence that he relax that had stopped him from standing there from 1330.

Bud stood nearby talking to his eldest son who was serving as Harm's other groomsman as he adjusted the boy's tie. Bud wore his dress blues whilst AJ was in a suit of matching colour. Frank had been hovering around while his mother had given up waiting and was out in the foyer with Harm's grandmother, waiting for Mac's arrival.

Wanting this to be an intimate, family affair, the guest list had been kept to the bare minimum. Sturgis and Varese sat in the second pew of the groom's side, while Jennifer Coates and her partner, Ty, sat in a similar position on the bride's. Chloe and her husband had been invited but pulled out a week earlier as she began suffering severe discomfort in her seventh month of pregnancy and couldn't handle the drive from Ohio. General Cresswell and his wife, Dora, sat alongside Jennifer and for a moment Jennifer thought about moving a seat back but as there was no one else coming, except for the bridal party, she didn't.

"Relax, son," Reverend Turner said, patting Harm on the back. "She'll be here."

Before Harm could reply, he heard an increase of noise from the foyer and instinctively knew his bride had arrived.  
Rather than opt for several cars to transport herself and the bridal party, Mac had organised one stretch white limo.  
Mattie climbed out first, followed by Nikki and Michael who were absolutely adorable in their flowergirl and pageboy outfits. Jimmy climbed out next in a suit which matched his brothers; not understanding why he had to say with the women and not the men. Harriet emerged fifth and quickly went about straightening the clothes of her offspring, while Mattie helped Mac step out.

"You are so beautiful, Mac," she said as she adjusted her veil. "Just beautiful."

Trish and Grandma Sarah made their way across to the bride and gushed over her dress and the absolute look of love on her face.  
"You're going to make my boy very happy," Grandma Sarah said, squeezing her hand. "And I'm delighted to have another Sarah Rabb in the family."  
"Thank you, Mrs Rabb," she replied.  
"None of that nonsense, child," she admonished gently. "It's Sarah or Grams."  
"Thank you, Grams," she said quickly.  
"Now, Trish told me you have a new dress, a blue garter and borrowed Harriet's head dress, is that right?" she questioned.  
"Yes, it is," Mac replied.  
"What about the old?" she questioned and Mac shrugged, it hadn't been a conscious thought to get the traditional 'something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue'. "Lovely," Grandma Sarah said with a smile before handing Mac a black velvet pouch.

Pouring the contents into her hand, Mac saw the most exquisite antique golden locket and chain.  
"It's beautiful," she gasped.  
"This can be your something old," Grandma Sarah said.  
With Trish's help, the necklace was hung around Mac's neck and sat perfectly.  
Mattie came closer and turned it over. "It says 'Introducing Sarah Rabb'."  
"My father gave it to me on my wedding day," she explained. "And now, I am giving it to you...to keep."  
"Oh, that's very generous," Mac said, "But I really couldn't..."  
"Nonsense," she interrupted. "Today you become family and not only do you get Harm you get us all. I'm 88, dear, I'm not going to be around forever and I want to give this to you on your wedding day. After all, how many Sarah Rabb's do you think there are?"

Failing at her attempt not to cry, Mac sniffled a little before Trish came to wipe her tears.  
"Grams can be very feisty, dear, so just say yes, you'll accept it and we'll get today underway," she whispered.  
"Thank you, Grams, I'll treasure it forever," Mac said, kissing the elderly woman's cheek.  
"Go marry my grandson," she said, gesturing towards the altar before she headed into the chapel, unsteadily. Jimmy quickly took her arm and led her down to her seat, just like his father had instructed him to do.

Returning to the foyer, Jimmy fiddled with his tie as Trish passed him by to go to her seat.  
"Are you ready, Aunty Mac?" he asked as his mother fixed his tie for him.

Without a formal role in the wedding, Jimmy had been feeling left out. Never believing a bride should be given away, Mac had been more than prepared to walk herself down the aisle but looking at Jimmy's face the day Harm had asked AJ to be a groom's man, she knew she had to offer him something; and that was to escort her.  
"As ready as I'll ever be," she said with a deep breath and a silent prayer to keep it all together. She had never been as nervous and excited and anxious at the same time in her whole life.

The strains of the Wedding March drifted through the chapel and Harriet started the twins on their walk down the aisle, Mattie followed, as did Harriet. Jimmy went to walk but Mac didn't move.  
"Aunty Mac, we've got to go, Uncle Harm is waiting," he said, tugging on her arm before looking at her face. "You look scared. Are you scared?"  
"No," she said quietly. "I'm not scared...Just a little nervous."  
"Do you need to go pee? Mom always makes me go pee when I'm nervous about something," he said earnestly.  
"No, honey," Mac said with a laugh. "But thank you for asking."

Although she knew she was walking down the aisle to the most gorgeous man in the world, strikingly attired in the dress whites she adored, Mac thought she was floating. It was an amazingly surreal experience and soon she was standing next to him and Jimmy had disappeared to his seat.

"You are a vision, Sarah," Harm whispered as he leant into her. "Absolutely stunning. I love you so much," he added before kissing her deeply.  
"Dad!" AJ said a little louder than he realised. "Uncle Harm's supposed to wait til the end when the minister says he can kiss the bride."  
The small congregation laughed.  
"I think Uncle Harm's waited long enough," Bud said, patting AJ's back.

"Dearly beloved..." Reverend Turner began and though the following words were the most important Harm and Mac had ever heard uttered in their presence, they were too caught up in each other and this incredible moment of their lives to pay all that much attention.  
"Harm, it's your turn," Mac prompted when she realised Reverend Turner was waiting for her nearly husband to speak.

A quick glance towards the man and a nod from him, Harm knew he was expected to say the vows he had written. Taking a deep breath, Harm took both Mac's hands in his and took a second deep breath, hoping his voice wouldn't desert him.  
"Sarah MacKenzie," he began, his voice audible yet shaky, "Today, I consider myself to be the most blessed man in the world. Not only do I get to marry an incredible woman, I also get to marry my best friend. We started on this journey together so many years ago and there were times neither of us believed we would get here but here we stand – older, stronger and deeply in love.

I stand here, in front of our family and friends, and declare to you that I will always love you, adore you and cherish you. Your needs, wants and desires will always be at the forefront of my mind. I will spend my days and nights working on our relationship and making sure all the old habits are gone.

Above everything else, I want you, and everybody else to know, that I absolutely and completely love you and am so grateful that we are finally starting this phase of our lives together."

Harm leant in and brushed his lips against hers. "Love you, Mac," he whispered as he wiped the tears from her face. "For eternity."  
"Sarah?" Reverend Turner said and it was Mac's turn to breathe deeply and will herself to keep it together.

"Harm...on," she began, her voice breaking. Coughing to clear her throat, she took a deep breath before starting once more. "Harmon, you are the absolute love of my life. You always have been. When I am with you I feel like the person I was meant to be. Without you, it felt more like an existence than a life.

I love you...first, last and everything in between. Marrying you today is the realisation of many dreams...my best friend becomes my husband, I get the family I have craved and my future becomes our future and I couldn't be happier.

I vow to you here, in front of everyone, that I will love, honour and adore you for now until eternity."

It was Mac's turn to press up and kiss him. "Love you to infinity and beyond," she whispered kissing him.  
"Plus one," Harm whispered, kissing her back.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: not mine

A thousand kisses, congratulatory hugs, and photos later, Harm and Mac slipped into the back of the limo to make their way to the reception. Knowing they weren't expected at Langford's for another hour, Harm directed the driver to the White House. When he caught Mac's confused look he smiled.  
"Pulled a few strings and organised for the photographer to meet us there to get some shots of us in The Rose Garden. Thought it might be nice to revisit the place this all began," he said, pulling her closer and kissing her.  
"Aww, you're such a romantic," she replied, kissing him back.  
"Only with you," he said, caressing her face. "Thank you for today, I can't believe we're actually married."  
"I know," she replied. "It seemed it was never going to happen and then all of a sudden here we are, husband and wife." She lifted her hand and showed him the ring he had slid onto her finger an hour earlier.  
"Husband and wife," Harm echoed."Mr and Mrs..." he began but stopped. They'd discussed lots of things in the planning of their wedding, however, the choice of names for the marriage had missed the agenda.  
"Mr and Mrs what?" Mac asked, slipping her fingers into his hair.  
"Um...we never discussed it, did we?" he asked with a grimace, silently kicking himself for bringing the topic up. It had been the most wonderful few hours, he didn't want to mar their brand new marriage with their first argument.  
"We didn't," Mac acknowledge, inwardly smiling at her husband's discomfort.  
"Um...so...are we going to be Mr and Mrs or are you...um..." Once again Harm's articulation difficulties appeared. "I mean, either way is fine ... it's your choice, of course it's your choice..."  
"Well, husband," she said, taking pity on him. "For all employment purposes I will be Sarah MacKenzie," she declared. "However, any and every off duty moment I will be Sarah Rabb."  
Mac watched as Harm's face cracked into a broad grin.  
"Are you sure?" he questioned. "I would love you to take my name but I know how independent you are and how hard you've worked to get where you are today."  
"I'm sure," she replied. "Besides," she cooed, leaning forward before flipping the locket around her neck. "What would I do with this?"  
"Introducing Sarah Rabb," Harm read and his eyes filled with tears. "This is Grams. Her dad gave it to her on her wedding day."  
"It was Grams," Mac corrected gently. "It's now mine and I wear it proudly...very proudly. I love you very much and I'm more than happy for the world to know me as Mrs Rabb."  
"God, I love you," Harm gushed before kissing her deeply.

With security heightened at their destination, they were only allowed 15 minutes in the garden but it was long enough for them to share an incredibly special and intimate moment and have the photographer capture it. Their minds were flooded with memories of that fateful day, some 14 years previous, and it was only at the guard's urging they departed.

By the time the limo pulled up at Langford's, Mac and Harm were horizontal on the back seat, neither considering oxygen as important as their passionate make out session. A quick glance through the rear view mirror and the driver decided to raise the privacy shield and let them be.

"I guess we should go inside," Mac said almost ten minutes later as she sat up and tried to straighten her dress.

Harm grinned at her swollen lips and glazed expression; she was absolutely beautiful and he couldn't resist kissing her a whole lot more.

Eventually, it was Frank's banging on the window which ended things.  
"I'm so hungry," Mac said, as Harm helped her out of the limo. "I couldn't eat lunch and...This isn't The Rose!"  
"No," Harm said, wrapping his arms around her waist. "There was a problem with The Rose – sprinkler system activated and the place is waterlogged."  
"Oh no," she said, looking back at the building. "All the things we'd organised...the flowers ... decorations ..." Her eyes welled with tears. "The cake!"  
"I have it all under control, gorgeous," he said, kissing her cheek. "I promise you, you will love it."

With Frank holding the door opened for them, Harm took Mac's arm and led them through the establishment to the beer garden. As she spied the immaculately decorated area, her eyes filled with tears once more.

"It's beautiful," she gasped as Harm kissed her head. "How?"  
"I did it," he replied, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "Well, I did it with some help..." He gestured towards the cake currently housed in a glass refrigeration case. "And we did that too."  
"My god!" she exclaimed, "What sort of cake is that?"  
"Chocolate on chocolate on chocolate," he replied proudly. "I know it's not what we picked but..."  
"I love it," she said, turning into him. "I love the cake, the decorations, the fact you took care of everything and most of all, I love you." She kissed him soundly once more.

As they moved further into the beer garden, Varese hit play on the portable CD player she had brought with her and began to sing Etta James' classic 'At Last'. Mac smiled broadly as Harm took her in his arms, while this wasn't the song they'd chosen to dance to it certainly had the right title when describing this day and their formal union.

The food was delicious, the company was great and the evening delightful. When it came time for the first official dance, Varese stood to sing once more. This time it was Laura Brannigan's Power of Love and it was so powerful that even the diners in the restaurant came to stand and watch the performance of both the songstress and the loving couple. It was clear, even to them, that they were witnessing something special.

There were a few more dances before the wedding cake was produced and Mac's mouth watered. Smiling broadly, she had to acknowledge just how far her life had come. In front of her was the most gorgeous man who just happened to be her husband, loving family and friends, respected colleagues and now chocolate... could a girl want anything more?  
"Aunty Mac," AJ called. "You have to cut it!" he said, drawing her out of her dreaming.  
"Sorry," she said with a smile before moving into the table with Harm behind her.

Wrapping himself around his wife, Harm picked up the knife before settling his hand over hers and guiding it into the last minute concoction he'd made.  
"Did you make a wish?" he whispered as he kissed her cheek.  
"No need," she replied. "I finally have everything I've ever wanted..."

The evening faded away into the night and before Harm and Mac knew it, it was time to head off to the Ritz-Carlton deluxe honeymoon suite for the evening. Farewelling their guests was very moving, each one of them having played a role in getting them where they were tonight. It was when it came to his parents things were different.  
"Go have a wonderful life with your wife, son," Frank said, hugging Harm and patting his back.  
"Thank you for everything, dad," he replied. "I know I haven't been the easiest..."  
"That's all in the past, Harm," he interjected. "Now it's all about the future..."

Meanwhile, Mac was being smothered in an embrace by Trish.  
"I am so happy I finally and officially have the daughter I always wanted," she said, brushing Mac's hair from her face. "And I'm ecstatic that it is you."  
"I'm happy it's me too," Mac replied tearfully. "Thank you for everything you have done for me..."  
"It's been an absolute pleasure, Sarah," Trish said, wiping her daughter-in-law's tears away before she dried her own.  
"I really do appreciate it ..." she started, willing herself to keep it together. "Mom." Trish's fresh tears were enough for Mac to lose it completely and she soon found herself being comforted by her new 'mom'.

It was General Cresswell taping Harm on the shoulder, then indicating the scene playing out behind him, which drew his attention to the crying pair.

"Hey," he said, padding over to the pair and wrapping an arm around each. "This is supposed to be a happy occasion."  
"I am happy," Mac said, looking up at him with tears still trickling down her cheeks. "I was just saying goodbye to mom," she added, hoping he'd get it as she didn't think she was in any state to articulate it.

He got it. Not much Mac said got past him. Kissing Mac's head, Harm pulled her closer before leaning over and kissing his mother's cheek.

"Thank you for everything, mom," he said, rubbing her back.  
"You're welcome, son," she replied, wrapping her arm around his waist. "Now, don't forget we're meeting you for lunch at the hotel tomorrow before we head home."  
"I haven't forgotten," he said. "Now, before this gets too emotional for everyone, I think Mac and I might go."  
"Good idea," said Trish, squeezing Mac's hand.

An hour later, Mac was wrapped in Harm's arms as they swayed to the soft music in their hotel suite. Physically and emotionally exhausted, she was slumped against him, enjoying their closeness and the serenity of the room.  
"Do you want to take a spa?" Harm asked, kissing her forehead.  
"Nope," she said, linking her hands around his neck. "Don't want to do anything but this."  
"Really?" he asked, stopping their dancing.  
Mac bit down on her bottom lip and nodded. "I always wanted to spend an intimate night dancing with my husband."

Smiling, Harm took Mac's hand before twirling her around and pulling her against him once more. A night dancing with his wife, yes, HIS wife – his beautiful, gorgeous wife... his wife who was still dressed in her stunning wedding gown, sounded like a plan...there would be time for everything else later.

Later came in the early hours of the morning, long after Mac had discarded her dancing shoes, preferring to dance barefoot with her similarly clad husband. When fatigue had taken the pep out of their dance steps, Harm and Mac finally sunk into the huge spa bath. The flickering candles and the jasmine and gardenia scent heightened the romantic atmosphere as Harm leant back into the bubbles and Mac sat between his legs and rested against him, his arms snaking around her waist while she craned her head towards him to kiss him.  
"Perfect," Mac mumbled, edging around a bit more to make the kiss a bit easier.  
"Tis, isn't it?" Harm said, kissing her back. "It's been the most amazing day."  
"And night," Mac added caressing his face. "Love you so much."  
"Love you too, gorgeous," he replied as she turned and rested on him once more.

Although they were surrounded by silence, it was the most special sound Mac could think of – just Harm, herself and the sound of their love.

When the water had cooled to an uncomfortable level, Harm had Mac lean forward as he climbed out before helping his wife out. Wrapping a plush white towel around her, Harm took another towel and tenderly dried her, grinning when she reciprocated.

Blowing out the candles, Mac took a step towards the door before Harm swept her off her feet and carried her to the bed. Placing her, almost reverently, in the middle of the bed, Harm kissed her feet before slowly and lovingly making his way up her body to her lips. Finding the undivided attention of her husband almost too much to take, Mac stopped him from exploring her body further by linking her hands around his neck and drawing him to her.  
"Harm," she said with a soft, gentle lilt.  
"Yes," he replied in the same tone as he rested his weight on his arms.  
"You know I love you very much," she started with an almost embarrassed smile.  
"I do," he replied, leaning down and kissing her nose.  
"Well, I think that while this foreplay is nice..." she said, her voice taking on a sultry tone.  
"You want to get on with other things?" he said with a smirk.  
"I know we've made love before but this will be our first time as husband and wife," she continued.  
"And we've waited long enough," he replied, kissing her cheek.  
"Well, it has been 7,468,019 minutes since I met you and maybe 6,245,325 since I first dreamt of you being my husband, so I think I've waited long enough to make it a reality," she said, flipping him over in a move she had learnt in basic training.

Dropping down, Mac kissed him thoroughly and Harm's head spun.  
"Incredible," he managed when she pulled back slightly.  
"Glad you noticed?" she sassed, repositioning herself to get things underway.  
"Now we're married, are you going to tell me how you do that time thing?" he asked, anchoring his hands on her six.  
"Maybe one day," she replied, "A girl has to have some secrets."

Those were the last words uttered in full and grammatically correct sentences for the night by either of them. The ability to speak articulately disappearing as they repeatedly connected in the most intimate of ways and finally consummated their marriage in the manner both had been dreaming of for eternity.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: not mine

The ability of the newlyweds to arise in time to shower and dress for lunch with Harm's parents was compromised by circumstances. It wasn't the overnight activities which had them fatigued; it was neither wanting to get up and effectively end their wedding night. Eventually, around 1245 and after three morning encounters, Mac conceded that their time was up as Frank and Trish were expected at 1300 and, as they were on a schedule due to their return flight to La Jolla that afternoon, they couldn't afford to be kept waiting.

Still, best intentions don't always come to fruition, especially when the opportunity arises to shower with your new spouse, and it was 1334 before Harm pulled out Mac's chair in the hotel restaurant after they'd greeted his parents.  
"Sorry, we're late," Harm said, taking his place beside Mac.  
"That's okay," replied Trish. "We had planned on a 1:30 lunch."  
"I thought it was one o'clock," he said, his hand slipping into Mac's.  
"That's what we told you," Frank said with a laugh. "Thought you might be running a bit late."

Harm grinned; 'running a bit late' that had been the story of his life and there had always been a reason. However, being in bed with his wife on the day after their marriage was the best reason he had ever had.

Lunch was filled with laughs, lots of food and loving glances. Before they knew it, it was time for Trish and Frank to head off to the airport and Mac and Harm to checkout. While they were all a little emotional, it was tempered by the thought that the newlyweds would be in La Jolla in seventeen days before heading up to Hemingway Mountain for the first anniversary of the fires.  
"Thank you both for everything," Harm said, hugging his mother then father.  
"No need to thank us," Trish said. "It's been a joy and an honour to be part of this wonderful occasion," she added, kissing her son and new daughter.  
Mac hugged Trish tightly and whispered, "Thank you, mom."

It was all that was required to start Trish's tears. Wanting to avoid further tears, Frank wrapped up the goodbyes and helped his wife into their car before Harm and Mac headed upstairs to collect their belongings and check out.

Just after four, Harm pulled into their driveway and turned off the car. Climbing out, he rounded the vehicle and opened his wife's door. With Mac's hand in one of his and the bags in the other, Harm had Mac open the front door for them and then with one deft move, Mac was cradled in her husband's arms as he stepped over the threshold.  
"Welcome home, my beautiful wife," he said, leaning down to kiss her.  
"Welcome home, my beautiful husband," she replied, linking her arms around his neck.

One step into the house and Harm twirled around several times, spinning Mac with him as he went.  
"Whoa, sailor!" she said when things got a little dizzy.  
Slowly, Harm allowed his wife to find her feet but only for a moment before he kissed her soundly and her head spun once more. When Mac tried to deepen the kiss, Harm pulled back.  
"As much as I'd love to take this further, we have an hour to be at the airport," he said, referencing their flight to Bermuda where their two week honeymoon would take place.

Fourteen sun and sand filled days and romantic and sensual nights with the two of them in a secluded villa away from the rest of the world. It was a vacation they were both looking forward to with great anticipation.

Mac looked at him and paused in thought; there was something nagging at her and she wondered if she should acknowledge it or just ignore it.  
"What's up?" he asked before she could decide on her tactic.  
"Fourteen days in paradise sounds wonderful, doesn't it?" she said and Harm nodded, not too sure where she was taking this. "Ten days would be just as great, don't you think?"  
"Ten days would still be good, why? Did you have something else in mind?" he asked, rocking gently with her.  
"Our itinerary for the next few weeks is full," she explained, still locked in his arms. "We fly out tonight for fourteen days, come back here for two days before heading to La Jolla for a couple of days, Hemingway Mountain for a few days then back here and straight back to work."  
"It is very full," Harm agreed nodding. "So, what would you like to change?"  
"We fly out tonight, have ten days in Bermuda, have a week back here and then to California," she said. "I just really want to spend some quality time with my new husband in our new home...does that sound okay or does it sound stupid?" she asked, tilting her head.  
"I think it sounds wonderful," Harm said, kissing her nose. "I'd love to spend a week with my new wife in our new home."  
"Really?" she asked, a smile spreading across her face.  
"Really," he confirmed, kissing her once more.

The flight to Bermuda was uneventful with Mac sleeping for most of it, the cab ride to their resort was quiet and their moonlit stroll at midnight down to the ocean was in near silence. Standing on the cool white sand, Harm wrapped his arms around his wife from behind and kissed her head.  
"You okay?" he questioned, kissing her head once more.  
"Aha," she replied, watching the white streaks of the moon's reflection dance across the gentle waves.  
"You've been very quiet,' he observed, holding her a little closer when she shivered in the cool night air.  
"I think everything's just caught up with me and I'm feeling really tired," she replied, leaning her head back on him.  
"Well, let me get you into bed," he said, turning them around and heading back to the villa.  
"Your version of bed or sleeping bed?" she said with a chuckle.  
"For tonight's purpose, I think sleeping bed," he replied, wrapping an arm around her waist as she leant her head on his shoulder.  
"Sounds good," Mac said, slipping her arm around him and snuggling in.

On their first night Mac fell asleep quickly and slept soundly. Harm was awake by 0800 and lay with her for a while before getting up for the bathroom and to organise breakfast. It was nearing noon before Mac finally stirred and checked the bedside clock twice to ensure her internal clock was right.  
"Morning, gorgeous," Harm said as he watched her pad out to the hammock he was swinging on.  
"Morning," she replied with a yawn before crawling into the mesh sling with him.  
"How are you feeling this morning?" he questioned, holding her tightly and kissing her head.  
"A bit on the blah side to tell you the truth," she admitted, rubbing her hand on his chest. "Sorry," she added. "Not really the fun-filled companion you had in mind."  
"Don't apologise," he said, kissing her head. "This is nice too."

An afternoon of lazing in the heat in the hammock followed and while Harm ate lunch, Mac played with her food. When Harm started to make plans for dinner Mac wasn't all that interested. Both knew there was something amiss; fatigue was one thing, a marine forgoing food was something else all together.  
"Do you need me to go to the hotel pharmacy and get you something?" Harm asked, his fingers running up and down her arm.  
"Nah, I'm alright, I think," she replied with a sigh. "I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow," she said, taking his hand in hers and squeezing it.  
"You sure, gorgeous?" he questioned while trying to do some maths.

While Mac's period was highly irregular it had been better since the surgery subsequent to the ectopic pregnancy. By his calculations it wasn't due at this time but that didn't mean it wouldn't come early. Then it struck him that for a few days prior to the ectopic pregnancy Mac had been feeling off. Initially, they had put it down to the flu; her bloodcurdling scream in the early hours of the morning had put an end to that thought. Knowing they had had protected sex between the surgery and wedding day, Harm discounted the idea of her being pregnant. Maybe, he conceded, that it was only a physical response to everything that had happened, not only in the past week with the move and the wedding, and the celebrating thereof, but also everything that had happened in the past year or years. He knew that he was feeling all kinds of new and weird emotions having finally married the woman he was always supposed to be with but almost lost on occasions too numerous to count.  
"I'm sure," she replied before drifting off to sleep once more.

The following morning, Harm awoke to an empty bed and noises coming from the small kitchen. Wandering out, clad only in his pale blue striped boxers, he stopped by the door to watch his wife prepare breakfast. On the bench, Mac seemed to have the entire contents of the cupboards and the fridge and Harm was a little confused as to what she was trying to prepare.  
"Morning, Mac," he said, entering the kitchen and kissing her. "You look a little brighter today."  
"I feel a bit brighter," she said with a smile. "And I'm hungry."  
"Always a good sign," he replied, scanning the bench. "What are we trying to do here?"  
"I was going for Eggs Benedict, I know you like it," she said as his hand wandered around her back. "But I couldn't find everything I needed. So, I thought pancakes might be good with a fresh fruit compote but..."  
"Didn't have the things," he concluded for her and she nodded.  
"That's right," she said nodding. "So, so far all we have is a mess."  
"How about scrambled eggs on whole-wheat toast and a fruit platter?" he suggested, and Mac nodded. That's what she'd decided on just as he interrupted.

Before long, both were sitting at the small table on the porch enjoying their morning fare. There was already considerable heat in the day, the sky was cloudless and the perfect shade of blue to match Harm's eyes.  
"What?" he questioned, catching her gazing at him.  
Thinking it too corny to mention the sky and his eyes, Mac just smiled. "I love you."  
"I love you too, gorgeous," he said before sipping his orange juice. "What would you like to do today?" he asked, wanting her to set the pace she was comfortable with.  
"Maybe we can check out that local gallery your mom was talking about and have lunch in town," she said, wiping her mouth with the napkin. "And then this afternoon maybe just some sand and sea ...and um...tonight...sex..." she said quite shyly.  
"Sounds like a good plan to me," he said happy there was nothing too arduous in her schedule of events earlier in the day, hoping it meant she'd have energy for the night's plans.

As planned, the morning was spent at Dockyard which was a decommissioned British Naval Base. There was an artworks place, clayworks and glassworks, shops, restaurants all of a native nature but in a place which had a very homey feel.

As they headed to lunch at the Bone Fish Bar & Grill, Harm's hands were full of bags from the various stops they'd made.  
"Do you think your mom will really like the picture we picked for her?" Mac asked, looking at the postcard sized image of the tropical island sunset they had shipped to La Jolla.  
"She will love it," Harm reassured her for the third time. "She loves sunsets, she loves the tropics and she loves you – what's not to love about it?" Mac smiled but wasn't too sure why she felt she needed Harm's reassurances, but glad he was giving it anyway.

Choosing the seafood platter for two with extra fries, Mac sat back in her chair and stared out at the North Atlantic Ocean as Harm ordered their meal and two glasses of lemon iced tea. Once the waitress had left, Harm turned to face his wife to find her engrossed with the view. Then, studying her face, he realised that maybe it wasn't being mesmerised as much as being tired. Standing and rounding the table, Harm slid into the chair beside her and wrapped an arm around her, drawing her into him.  
"Beautiful view," he said, kissing her head.  
"It is," she agreed, resting her head on his shoulder. "Just perfect."  
"Has this morning been too much for you?" he asked, going for the direct line of questioning.  
"A little," she admitted. "But I'm sure a bit of lunch and a rest here will do me the world of good."  
"What exactly are you feeling?" he asked. "Just tired or flu-y or part of your cycle..."  
"All of the above," she said as she entwined her fingers with his. "Maybe I just need a good dose of Vitamin D."  
Harm kissed her head and hoped that the afternoon's time spend on the beach would give her all the Vitamin D she needed to bring her back to herself.

The beach closest to their villa was fairly secluded with a few other people visible but a fair distance away.  
"This looks like the perfect spot," Mac said, shaking out her towel and laying it on the sand.  
"Looks good," he agreed, putting down the cooler before doing the same with his towel.  
"Want to start with a swim?" she asked, taking off her sandals and allowing the white sand to run between her toes.  
"Sounds good," he replied, following suit.  
Mac stripped off her shorts and shirt to reveal a stunning black bikini that Harm had never seen before. Instantly, he was glad there was no one else around him, his physical response becoming more and more obvious.

Grinning when she saw the effect she'd had on him, Mac sauntered towards the water. Like a little puppy, Harm went to follow before he realised he was still dressed. With his eyes never leaving his wife's form, he stripped off and jogged across the sand to catch up with her, linking his fingers with hers when he did.

Swimming was a loose term for their afternoon water activities. While there was lots of splashing and movement there wasn't a swimming stroke to be seen. Pulling his wife to him, Harm kissed her tenderly as she wound her legs around him and kissed him back. Deepening the kiss, Mac wanted to take it a whole lot further but Harm seemed a little reluctant.  
"Perfect place to make love," she said, unwinding her legs and pulling off her bikini bottoms.  
"Here?" he asked, scanning the beach for other people.  
"Yep, here," she said, placing her fingers inside the band of his swimming trunks and easing them down. "You're not too shy, are you?"  
"No," he replied defensively. "Just don't want you overdoing things."  
"Then you'll have to do all the work, won't you?" she sassed, holding onto the discarded clothing with one hand and wrapping the other one around his neck as he lifted her up and began to celebrate their love.

_**AN: One chapter to go.**_


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: not mine

-final-

"Mac?"

"Mac?"

Harm's voice was soft but insistent and drew her out of her wanderings.  
"Mmmm," she mumbled in reply.  
"You okay, I thought I lost you for a bit there," he said, kissing her head and she snuggled into him once more.  
"Yeah, was just thinking about this past year and everything that's happened," she said, snaking a hand back and around his neck.  
"Been a hell of a year, hasn't it?" he said, holding her a little tighter.  
"It has," she agreed, closing her eyes once more, wanting to return to their honeymoon.  
"Watcha thinking about?" he asked when he realised she was drifting off once more.  
"Bermuda," she said in a sleepy and happy manner.  
Harm grinned; thoughts of Bermuda made him happy too and even though it was only a week or so ago, he knew there would be certain thoughts about their honeymoon that would make him smile into old age.

Rolling over, Mac pushed herself against her husband before settling down once more; she was tired, she was more than tired. Just one night she would love to sleep through without dreams waking her ... their other nocturnal activities weren't making sleep easy either. Realising his wife wasn't really with him yet, Harm pulled her closer and kissed her head before holding her until she fell asleep once more.

An hour or so later, Harm opened his eyes at the sound of unexpected noise in the cabin. Focusing on the doorway, he was surprised to see his mother standing there.  
"What time is it?" he asked, without greeting.  
"Nearly noon," Trish whispered. "We did say we'd be here for lunch."  
"Yeah, I know," Harm replied. "Sorry, just had a little trouble getting up this morning."  
Trish smirked. "Ah, the joys of being newlyweds."  
"It wasn't that, mom," he said quickly, "Well, not just that," he whispered. "Bad dreams." He nodded towards Mac and Trish understood.  
"Are they getting any better?" she whispered in reply.  
"Yeah, mostly," he said, "I think it's just with the anniversary tomorrow things are a bit ..."  
"Raw?" Trish offered and Harm nodded. "What about you?"  
"Me too," he admitted. "The nights she does manage not to have dreams I seem to wake her up with my disturbances, it's no wonder she's been so tired lately. What I wouldn't give to allow her ten hours of peaceful, uninterrupted slumber."  
"Maybe, when this weekend is out of the way, things will get back to normal," Trish offered and Harm just nodded; really, he had no idea of what 'normal' was with them.

It was another two hours before Mac awoke, still wrapped tightly in Harm's arms. Yawning and trying to stretch, she came to the realisation that it was 1356 and she was supposed to be feeding her in-laws about now.  
"Lunch!" she muttered, scrambling to sit up but Harm held her tight.  
"Lunch is ready, whenever you are," he said kissing her cheek. "Mom and dad are already here, everything's organised and all you have to do is relax."

Mac smiled and slumped against him, she'd love to be able to relax...maybe after this weekend she would be able to sleep and find true rest.

The afternoon and evening were spent with good food, walks and friendly conversations and reminisces. The night was spent with a sociable game of Trivial Pursuit before Mac headed off to bed.  
"Is Mac alright, son?" Frank asked as the woman in question disappeared from view. "She's been very quiet today."  
"This anniversary has been playing on her mind," Harm replied. "She's been quite unsettled in her sleep and she's not quite herself."  
"Is she sick?" Trish asked, propping herself on the arm of Frank's chair.  
"The day we got to Bermuda she wasn't well but picked up after that," he explained. He then went on to explain how he thought it was more emotional than physical and how that, when they were home for the few days between their honeymoon and arriving in California, she called Dr McCool to bring forward her next appointment.  
"Poor thing," Trish said sympathetically, the more she learnt about her new daughter, the more her heart ached for all that she had been through and continued to experience.  
"Yeah," Harm said, his eyes filling with tears. While he knew his wife would never want anyone's sympathy, he couldn't help it.  
"Why don't you go to bed too, Harm," Frank suggested. "Mom and I will clean up here and in the morning I'll prepare Mac's favourite breakfast – honeyed Canadian bacon with eggs, sunny side up."

Harm smiled; bacon was his only nemesis in having his wife's undivided love and devotion.

Slipping quietly into bed beside his wife, Harm waited until she realised he was there and settled herself against him, it didn't take long.  
"Love you so much," Harm whispered, kissing her head.  
"Love you too," Mac replied, holding onto his t-shirt.

The first anniversary of the SoCal fires which had devastated Hemingway Mountain and the surrounding areas dawned clear and bright. The forecast was for a mild day with the possibility of showers later in the afternoon, something far removed from the day of the fires. Mac's day started when she awoke to the aroma of honeyed Canadian bacon sizzling in the kitchen. Noting her husband was still asleep she slid out of bed and into a robe before padding out to the kitchen.  
"Hello, dear," Trish said, standing to hug and kiss her. "How'd you sleep?"  
"Okay," she said, before moving to greet Frank. "Harm was a little restless so I let him sleep."  
"I'm sure you both have a lot on your minds," Trish said, wishing they could both find some peace.

Mac smiled and nodded and Trish smiled sadly; she had some idea of what they had experienced before the fires – the near misses, the accidents, Harm's ejection into the ocean, the plane 'accidents' and all those things she knew she hadn't been told about, and yet it was the fires which had disturbed their sleep the most. This only meant one thing; the fires were the most traumatic. At first she couldn't reason why they would have been worse than when Harm punched out and was missing in the ocean and then she realised it. It was because of their emotional attachment and the fact that they were in love and nearly lost each other.

It was Frank pressing a kiss against her temple that brought her back to the present.  
"Dry your eyes, honey," he whispered, dabbing her cheeks with a Kleenex. "The kids don't need to see tears."  
"Thanks," she replied, taking the tissue. "Where'd Sarah go?"  
"To get Harm for breakfast," he replied, kissing her again. "They're both going to be alright – and so are you," he added, kissing her once more.  
"Smells great," Harm said, coming into the kitchen with one arm around his wife. "We're going to find it hard to go back to work and not have people looking after us."  
"Say the word and I'll come and look after you," Trish said, only half jokingly.  
"Thanks, mom," he said, kissing her cheek.

By eleven they were standing in the clearing off Andrews Road, there was a table set up as an altar and a few odd chairs set out. It was to be an ecumenical service of thanksgiving for the lives of those lost as well as for the survivors and all the rescue personnel and volunteers who had done their utmost during the time of crisis.

Harm stood directly behind his wife and kept his arms wrapped around her for most of the time to comfort himself more than anything. A year ago, as the fireman had driven them down the mountain, he had vowed that, given the chance, he would take hold of Mac and never let her go. Today was a physical manifestation of that vow.

Feeling a little squashed by her husband's strength, Mac moved a couple of times to try and ease the pressure across her chest and stomach. Craning her neck, one look into his eyes told her he really wasn't aware of his intense hold on her. Instead of complaining, she linked her hands with his and rested them on her stomach – hoping they'd both find it comforting and she'd be able to breathe.

Nearby, Frank and Trish were talking to Ray Morrison. It was his parents and children lost in the cabin next to theirs. It was his life which was irreversibly changed by the tragedies of that day. It was the day he became an orphan, the day he became a father without children, the day his marriage effectively ended as his wife blamed him for allowing the boys to go with his parents when the forecast had been for extreme weather.

A pat on the back from Frank, a kiss on the cheek from Trish, did nothing to appease his deep sorrow and they watched as a man so broken it showed in the stoop of his back and the hanging of his head walked away. While Ray took a seat near the altar, Trish and Frank moved back towards Harm and Mac, needing to be near them now more than ever.

About ten steps from them, Frank stopped and pulled Trish to him.  
"Can stepfather's-in–law have intuition like mother's can?" he whispered, glancing towards Harm and Mac.  
"Yes, I guess so," said Trish, looking in the same direction. "Why?"  
"I think Mac's pregnant," he said and they both turned to look properly at the couple in question, Mac still wrapped up in Harm's arms, their joined hands still resting on her abdomen.  
"Really?" Trish asked before nodding. "I had that thought yesterday and I sort of hinted around it to Sarah but there was no response. So, if they are, they don't know it."  
"Well, it will be a true miracle if she is," Frank said, turning his attention to the Anglican minister who had just stepped up to the microphone to start proceedings.

There were prayers from the clergy, prayers from survivors, prayers from victims' loved ones. There were songs of love, of hope, of praise. There was a memorial unveiled and photos of those lost clutched tightly in trembling hands. There were tears and laughs and a lot of love in the clearing off Andrews Road.

When the final song was played, U2's Beautiful Day, Mac turned around and linked her arms around his neck.  
"I love you so much, Harm," she said tearfully, releasing one hand to wipe his tears away. "So, very much. I am thankful for you saving my life here a year ago, for loving me and marrying me."  
"I love you so much, gorgeous," he replied before gently kissing her tears away. "But you should know that saving you wasn't purely altruistic - saving you was saving me. I can't live without you ... not a now, not a year ago, not five years ago. You are my everything and I know I haven't told you enough, shown you enough but I promise I'm going to spend the rest of my days ensuring you know just how deeply I love you."  
"And I'm going to do the same," she promised through her tears before pressing up and kissing her husband tenderly.

When she pulled back, Mac rested her head on Harm's chest as he wrapped her tightly in his arms and kissed her head. It was only then that Trish and Frank moved over to them, both embracing them in some sort of group hug. Taking a deep breath, Harm knew they were so blessed. Looking around at the families who had lost loved ones only heightened his awareness of how much of a blessing the fires had been to him. From nearly losing his life he had gained everything that he now knew he couldn't live without – his beautiful wife and his newfound positive relationship with his parents.

Lunch was spent quietly on the front porch looking out on the majesty of the mountain. Frank's original plan had been a barbeque, knowing Mac loved his marinade but given the focus of the day, he just couldn't bring himself to light it – even though it was gas and perfectly safe. Instead, he cooked it in the oven and while it tasted good it wasn't quite the same. Still, no one mentioned it; none of them were prepared to light the barbeque either.

After a lunch where Mac ate the meat and little else, Trish suggested a walk and Harm agreed but when Mac declined Harm went to change his mind.  
"You two go," Frank said, "I am hoping to convince Mac to play a game or two of chess."

Harm looked from Frank to Mac and when she smiled and nodded he agreed to take a walk with his mom. Within minutes they were gone from view and Frank turned to Mac.  
"Now, sweetheart, I don't expect you to play chess. I will get the set out so it looks like we've played when they return but you just rest. You're looking rather tired. Are you okay?"  
"I have a headache," she admitted. "I think it's from all the emotion of the day."  
"Can I get you something?" he offered, standing to go and retrieve the chess set.  
"Maybe just some water, if that's okay," she said, moving from the chair to the porch swing.  
"It's more than okay, Mac," he said, disappearing into the house – water was the least he could do for the woman he really believed was going to give him his first grandchild in the coming year.

Meanwhile, Harm and Trish made their way down the trail which went past the Morrison house, to their surprise they found Ray sitting in the middle of the now vacant block, a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, his service revolver in the other.

Whispering to his mother to return to the cabin and call his captain, Harm walked over to the man and sat beside him. For a long time nothing was said, but eventually Ray offered the bottle to Harm and he declined. Sure, he felt like taking a drink with his nerves on edge but someone needed to remain sober and rational and it had to be him.  
"No, thanks, Ray," Harm said, shaking his head.  
"You know, doesn't matter how much of this crap I drink, the pain is still there," he said as he tossed the bottle and its useless contents across the block.  
"Have you seen someone?" Harm asked, trying to choose his words carefully. "You know, a therapist, counsellor..."  
"Yeah, the police department has a shrink and my captain made me go a few times," he replied, his eyes now focused on his gun.  
"Helpful?" he asked, not holding much hope.  
Ray shrugged. "Do you think anyone would have helped you in same situation?"  
It was Harm's turn to shrug. "Nah, probably not."  
"You know I coulda coped losing one or two of them – but all four... how's a guy supposed to go on?" he said, shaking his head. "I have these nightmares where I get the chance to save just one of them and I can't... I can't pick which of my kids to save...I know my parents would understand but how do I choose between my boys?" The tears cascaded down his cheeks. "So even in the dreams I let them both go – I love them so much I can't pick one over the other."

Harm wrapped his arm around the disconsolate man beside him as his own eyes stung with unshed tears. He never, ever, wanted to be in that situation...never.

Looking out the window, Frank saw Trish almost running up the driveway alone and was instantly out to greet her, hoping it wasn't bad news. Almost breathless, Trish was still able to relate the goings on next door and Frank was on the phone immediately.  
"Where's Sarah?" Trish asked scanning the porch.  
"In bed asleep," Frank replied. "She was tired and had a headache."  
"Good," she said. "She really doesn't need to know about this."

The good news from Frank's call was that Captain Harris was already on his way. A colleague from the Hemingway Mountain station had called him after he'd spoken to Ray before the service concerned about his mental health, and that he should only be five, ten minutes away. As Trish stayed as the cabin, Frank walked out to the main trail to meet the captain's car. Without a house to look for it was easy to go off in the wrong direction out here.

Knowing he needed to buy some time, Harm asked about the boys and Ray started to sob.  
"They were the best kids," he said trying to fight his tears. "Lukey looked like his mother and was into baseball and even took his bat to bed some nights. His mother was always worried he'd do himself an injury but Luke didn't care. Jakey...he looked like me... my mother used to say we were two peas in a pod. He was my..." tears choked him and took his voice. "My little man...my shadow...always said he wanted to be a policeman like his daddy."

Harm wiped away the tears running down his cheeks. He had been devastated when they had had the ectopic pregnancy but to lose two precious little boys, how do you get over that? Not to mention losing your parents at the same time.  
"He must have been very proud of his daddy," Harm said, trying to control his emotions.  
"He was," Ray said with a nod. "Always wanted to be with me...now, I just want to be with them..." He took the safety off the gun.  
"There's no way I can say I know what you're going through," Harm said, resting his hand over Ray's, keeping the gun directed into the ground. "I can't imagine your pain ... your loss...I've been through a lot in my life, seen a whole lot more, and have a deep appreciation for the fragility of life... My wife and I were up here the day of the fires and I did something to piss her off and she went out for a run that morning. I went after her and couldn't find her and it made me physically ill to think I could lose her."  
"You found her though," Ray said, thinking of the woman he'd seen with him earlier.  
"I did – she was dehydrated and confused and by the time I got her back to the cabin to tend to her wounds it was too late to leave," he said quietly. "We got into the water tank and it saved us."  
"Dad was going to put in a tank too," Ray said sadly. "It was to be delivered three days after the fire."  
"If I had of known your family was in danger I would have tried to save them," Harm said, looking at the gun shake in Ray's hand.  
"Thanks," he replied forlornly. There were so many 'if only's related to the day.

Silence fell once more and Harm's gaze continued to fall between Ray and the gun. A few minutes later he heard a car in the distance and said a silent prayer that this was the backup he needed. There was little he could say to Ray to make him realise life was worth living. While he would never support suicide he could only imagine the sheer pain and desperation of the broken man beside him and how he would never be convinced that there was anything in the world left living for.

Hearing a car's engine turn off and two doors opening, Ray looked up and saw his boss and Frank approaching him. He spoke no words, cried no tears as he watched his captain walk up and take the gun from his still shaking hand.  
"It's not the answer, son, it's not the answer," he consoled as he embraced the younger man.

After a short conversation, Harm helped Ray into the car as Frank gave Captain Harris his contact details. As the car disappeared back down the trail, Frank wrapped his arm around his son. There were no words to describe how shattered he would have been had the fire claimed his son and spared the neighbours.

Trish greeted the pair tearfully and when assured both were uninjured from the encounter she finally let them go. Letting Frank tell her the story, Harm went to the one place he needed to be – with his wife.  
"She's in bed," Trish said as Harm headed for the door, knowing exactly what he was in search for.

Toeing off his shoes, Harm slid into bed behind his wife and slipped an arm around her, his hand coming to rest on her belly on top of hers. Nuzzling his face into her hair, Harm inhaled deeply as his tears ran unchecked onto the pillow. He was the luckiest man in the world – Ray's story had just proven that. As he took a few deep cleansing breaths, Harm tried to put the past behind him. Tomorrow was the start of a new year for them, the start of a new life as a married couple, the start of everything he thought he had lost a year ago.  
"You okay?" Mac mumbled sensing his discomfort.  
"Perfect," he replied, kissing her head.  
"Need anything?" she questioned, her eyes still closed.  
"Got everything I'll ever need right here," he replied closing his eyes.

And he was right. Right there, in the bed was everything he could ever want, ever need. He had his wife, her love, their marriage. And deep under their joined hands, nestled in Mac's womb, was the little seed they had created; a little seed that would rise up from the ashes and bring with it a deep sense of joy and happiness the likes of which had never been experienced before in their lives.

Once again, Mother Nature had proven that she could work miracles in desolate and barren places. That she could create life out of darkness, joy out of despair. Very similar to a very special marine, she was a formidable force who could take all that the world handed her and still radiate beauty and grace. In the years to come, Mother Nature would write its own story. It would tell of the recovery and rejuvenation of the devastated area. It would tell of rebirth and renewal and regeneration.

From the ashes, Harm and Mac would write their own story. It would be one of love and devotion, of commitment and family, of honour and respect, and, through the grace of God, it would be accompanied by the pitter patter of tiny footsteps.

******The End****

AN: Thanks for all your support and encouragement throughout this story, it has meant so much. It was written in dedication to all those lost in the Black Saturday fires here in 2009 (See Inferno for details) and to those who survived. This Christmas is the second one with empty chairs and empty hearts. There were far more many victims than those revealed in the tolls of those killed and injured. The families who have not been able to sustain such pain and heartache and have broken up add to the toll of that fateful day.

For Nathan, lost in the fires at Calignee, the loss is still with us all.

To all those who celebrate Christmas, May you all know the peace and blessings of the season.

To all those who don't celebrate, best wishes for the coming year.

_**Stay tuned for the next instalment of Life on the Farm - coming soon.**_


End file.
